A Journey Begun

Out of the Mouths of Moms

2007-08-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes...don't you just hear just what you need to hear as you talk to your kids? Or your dogs?

There are several examples, but the other day, my littlest dog was yapping up a storm. She had water, food, and a treat...I think she just needed to be put to bed, so she could feel safe. (She is a retired breeder dog, never properly loved or socialized and has some related issues.)

"Angel, you have everything you need! Why are you fussing?"

I admit it. My own words apply to me. As I have shared in past entries, I am really praying about a way to bring in some income. At times, I am sure the Lord feels I am fussing about it. My own words caused me to stop and quiet my heart a little. We DO have everything we need. Why am I getting agitated, instead of peacefully and enthusiastically looking for the answer?

We DO need to rebuild a bit...I DO see some valid needs that some additional income would address. I DO want to serve my family with the strength and health the Lord has granted me. Yet, I am challenged by my own words, especially as I consider some of my own blogged words a couple of entries ago: part of healing is enjoying life.

Thus, my goal and what is on my heart: To stop fussing...to embrace the safety and met needs the Lord has provided...and, happily and joyfully and with excitement--not agitation--continue to explore my options. And the Lord does seem to be presenting some possibilities...but I am holding my tongue for now--which may be part of my "unhealth", but I will save my timidity and self-consciousness for another blog! But, hopefully, in the process, until I find the courage to blog about it, I will regain some ground toward joyfully problem-solving!

Carpel Tunnel Report

2007-08-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

I accomplished my nerve conduction test yesterday.

My experience: "unpleasantly ok." If you can imagine someone taking a blunt instrument (like the one they use to test reflexes) and sharply hitting you several times, that was what it felt like to me. It hurt, but was not excruciating, and it did not burn. I was a little achy afterward, and tired, but it seems like pain makes me tired, so perhaps that is just me. My left side was more painful than the right (my right side is worse, so perhaps the nerves are more clogged up). It's not hard to imagine, though, that someone who has a low pain-thresh-hold, or who has not experienced much pain, would find the test a little more severe.

There were no needles involved, which a couple of people had made me expect, but mine was done with electrical shocks. As I was laying there, I kept thinking, "Someday, history will look back and find this barbaric!" Oh the joys of being on the front-end (assuming it IS new-ish) of emerging technology! And for a little bit of irony...that evening as I channel-surfed, what did I come across but "The One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." I always HATED that shock-treatment scene! Now I know why!

The results: Of course, I have to wait. But, he was willing to say he is fairly certain my right hand does have carpel tunnel. The left side is not as bad, and he has to look more closely at the results. And, I had to chuckle...the nurse gave me my follow-up appointment and I had to say, "Sorry--that's not going to work for me." For most people, they would be out of town or getting their hair done. Me: I'm having surgery that day! But, on August 30th, three days after my surgery, we should get the results.

The treatment: Surgery is a possibility, but we don't know yet. Cock-up splints, yes--though they are unpleasant to wear at night, in my experience. If it does result in surgery, it is just a day surgery...a little snip to the tendon, and voila'--done! Not so bad, except for the cost of it.

A Pick-Me-Up

2007-08-07T07:40:00.000-07:00

There are some questions that I should probably just not ask, and this is probably one of them. But, just how bad did I look when I had cancer??

The reason I ask is this: It seems like an overwhelming majority of the people I run into have the same question and comment: "How are you? Well, you look just GREAT!!"

I know that I was bald, with no eyebrows or eyelashes, but, really now....well, okay....maybe I did look just a tad sick. :-)

I AM laughing as I write this. I love the encouragement of others and their care and concern. I love it that they noticed I wasn't looking so perky, and I love it that they notice that I look better. No, I look GREAT! Now, there's a pick-me-up! (I'm not packing my bags and entering any Ms. _________ pageants, but I will take GREAT when I get it!)

Thanks, Lord, for folks who see me and take time to care...thanks that You see me and care as well!

On a Monday Morning...

2007-08-06T08:26:00.000-07:00

It is a Monday morning....

This week I have the nerve conduction test for my Carpel Tunnel on Wednesday. I have heard two things....that it is NOT pleasant, and that it is not that big of a deal. My guess is that it depends on the amount of nerve damage...i.e., the more nerve damage the less painful. But that's just my guess. I will report in! I can say that I have been dropping a lot of things, so I am interested in seeing how my experience matches up with the test results.

We are also trying to keep reminded that I have the surgery to remove the nodule on my thyroid at the end of the month. Though I will probably spend one night in the hospital, it doesn't seem like a big deal to me. It did cross my mind the other day that the surgery is on my NECK, with some pretty major arteries in the area.... :-) , but I won't go there.

Apart from that, since I have written this far, I would now really like to say something profound. Really I would. But I just don't have it. Perhaps because it is Monday morning...perhaps because it is Monday morning AFTER we hosted our small group from church last night....and perhaps because there are lots of things to accomplish and it is only Monday morning. Fortunately, my house is clean from hosting last night, so that is a blessing! Perhaps profound and tired just don't mix!

Yet, as I think about it, perhaps it is not that I want to say something profound...this morning, I would like to HEAR something profound. There are words I would like to hope for about several situations...about my bringing income into the family, about school choices for our youngest, about my neck pain (my doctor ordered more PT rather than an x-ray or scan of some sort, which is what I would like), about....well there are just several things. It is not that I am necessarily worried, but there are times that you just want to be on the other side of a situation and hear that it all worked as you hoped.

Especially on a Monday morning.

A Blessing to Me!

2007-07-31T14:50:00.001-07:00

In my last entry, I mentioned a lady who prayed for me...that God would provide an opportunity for me to work that would place my creativity in sync with His provision. I thought that was so profound, and it touched my heart!

I feel so blessed to be in Bible study with this lady. We are in the same discussion group, and I have so enjoyed getting to know her. We first met a year ago, at Baylor, in one of the pre-admission rooms. Yes: we were both getting ready for surgery related to our breast cancer. She was relativily new to Abilene, and I honestly don't know if we would have met otherwise. She was there with her husband and their newborn, who is now just over a year old!

But now, here we are! When we met a year ago, she had gorgeous long, black hair (she is Malaysian). Now, she sports a trendy-looking short "do" as her hair is growing back in. Because of our mutual journey's, we have connected at this study, and she is such a treasure...a godly woman who voices her thoughts so elequently. She is so great at explaining why she/we would be willing to go through cancer again, and some of her ideas about that prod me to go deeper.

In fact, that is one of the reasons I think I am so drawn to her...she has gone deeply through her cancer journey and come out on the other side with peace and strength. I love learning from her and hope that I am some encouragement in return. Our study ends in a couple of weeks, and I so hope we can stay in touch. It is one of the difficulties of a large church, but I have been thinking I might need to be intentional abut this. She is just so neat!

Thanks, God, for your gift of people in our lives!

Healing Defined

2007-07-31T14:22:00.000-07:00

I guess if I choose a title, I should be prepared to truly expound upon it, but I'm not, at least right now. But, last night, at Bible study, a definition of healing was given, and I want to share that much:

The Hebrew word for "healed" as is used in Joshua 5:8: "to live, exist, enjoy life, to live anew, be well;...to...refresh, rebuild." (Beth Moore, session 8 in Believing God.)

I love that! I love that "enjoying life" is evidence of healing; I think it gives permission to feel healed at this point in time, without having to worry that tomorrow may bring something new from which I am not yet healed from. I also love that it implies that healing may go beyond what my body may or may not be doing, but rather, points to what my spirit and soul is open to receive. From that perspective, I feel healed on more than one level, because not only is my body cancer free, but I DO feel more open to receiving the gifts around me, in their many shapes and forms. Thanks, Lord, for healing!

One area I am trying to tackle now...to rebuild, and in that way complete some healing...is that of finances. As I have stated before, cancer is expensive! We've made it, and save for a little nodule removal and some carpel tunnel issues (sigh...it seems a bit defeating, I admit), I feel I am healthy enough to start addressing the ways I can contribute to rebuilding some of our cash flow.

It's a challenge...I still want to stay home with the girls, meaning...major flexibility is needed. I have been asking people to pray about it with me, and I guess that is why I post it. One lady prayed that God's creativity would provide...and another lady prayed that God would allow my creativiy and His provision to be in sync. Both of those prayers were so helpful to me! I think God can do it, and I want to ask BIG...like my friend did for me...that the answer would be something in tune with both God and myself.

So...I will keep you posted. I am watching, and have a few things I am looking at....and I am expecting something, at the right time, to show up...or at least a sense of peace if it doesn't!

Healing Hands

2007-07-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

When I recently saw the dermatologist, she decided to spray some nitro-something on the spots on my hands. To say it burned is an under-statement!

I was reacting to it as calmly as I could, but my 4 year old still noticed. "Mommy, are you okay?" I replied that I was, but that it did hurt.

As the doctor continued, Annaleigh looked at me, came around the table, and said, "Here Mommy, I will help you be brave." And at that, she put her hands on my back and left them there until the doctor was done.

Did it help? YES! There is something healing about touch, and I think more-so when it is the touch from your very own child. It was precious--a bit early in our relationship for the role-reversal thing, but nonetheless, there it was! She placed her healing hands on me, and for that, I am touched and so grateful!

A Second Chance

2007-07-25T16:24:00.000-07:00

Back in March, I had wanted to walk a half-marathon, but it didn't work out.

Now, I get a second chance! There is a half marathon here in Abilene, there is a group of people from Mark's work who might walk it and are training for it, and Mark has agreed to walk it with me!

So, barring the unforseen, I get to try again. So far, I have done a six mile walk, and walked the stairs in the Coliseum. I will do the former again, despite my joints protesting vehemently the next day, but the stairs are being replaced by walking the hills at the marathon site, as per my husband and physical therapist!

My Dilemma

2007-07-25T14:28:00.001-07:00

I am facing somewhat of a dilemma.

As I have mentioned before on this blog, I am seeing a dermatologist in Dallas for pre-cancerous cells, primarily on my hands and face and arms. She is an expert in this area. However, her staff...yikes. They are the most sober bunch...and...at the risk of being negative, not the most helpful when it comes to insurance matters. Nor do they seem to value the fact that we drive for 3 hours to see them. For example, back in June, we arrived, only to be told that insurance was not in place (which it was, but faxes were not received), and then were told, "I told you that (referrals had run out) last time you were here."

OK...first of all, the customer is always right last I knew, and if not right, at least should have friendly support as we get the situation resolved. As Mark was on the phone with our insurance person (whom we know well by now!) and being told everything was in place, my most positive husband admitted the staff exhibited little concern about the situation. Lack of caring is not an endearing quality to parents who have just driven 3 hours with 2 pre-schoolers (which is our choice, but also not a choice since we have no family in town). And in reality, we WERE right; technology had failed us.

My annoyance is not that there was an apparent problem, but that the girl merely checked to make sure she had the correct chart before announcing that the referral was not in place. That would mean, from my observation, she did NOT have to read and check things, she KNEW with a glance, and allowed us to drive 3 hours in! We have been dealing with medical issues in Dallas for over a year now, and we HAVE had calls to make sure we did not drive in unnecessarily. I understand that insurance is our responsibility, but the "I told you last time" attitude is just not acceptable. I admit, we have been spoiled by being at Baylor this past year, and such an attitude is foreign to us! Baylor has set the bar high!

We talked about this experience and the sober (i.e., un-smiling) environment with my oncologist's office. I asked if we should stay with the expert, or go somewhere where I had a better rapport and confidence in the office staff. Their reply: Stay with the expert and talk to the doctor about it. Afterall, this is the doctor's livelihood, and she needs to know if and why she might lose a patient. Fair enough.

So, what happens? The doctor was apparently extremely busy, walked in, asked how I was doing, and no...and I mean NO window was open to voice my rehearsed speech. In fact, she was in such a hurry that when she decided to spray some nitro- on my hands, she did so without any warning that it would burn like the dickens! Mark did get in a question about the availability of the cutting edge technology in her office (and it seems she is the only one who does have it), but there was not a rapport nor time to open a discussion.

So, folks, there you have it. We have cutting edge technology available to us...we are with the expert...but have seemingly little rapport with the staff or doctor to create the healing relationship. I strongly believe medicine is more than drugs and technology. There IS a healing dynamic between doctor and patient. My husband...as probably most men...would have me stay with the treatment and get over the lack of relationship. I, however, am frustrated and not really satisfied.

And that, is my dilemma!

Did I Really Mean That?

2007-07-07T08:08:00.000-07:00

At the risk of sounding...well, pious, I was reflecting this morning on a short conversational prayer I had a few weeks back. I was thinking about how God seems to have used me most when I am sick. You see, one of the first times I really felt like God used my life in general was when I was in labor with my oldest. I had suggested to my husband that we bring some praise CD's and he played them as we were working through contractions and pushing. The nurse commented that she needed to hear those songs. Later, I found out that she was the wife of a friend's friend and there were some huge marital problems. The second most profound time, of course, has been this past year. My joke is that God uses me best when I am basically incoherent!

At any rate, now that I am better--cancer free--a few weeks ago I was feeling unsure how things would play out. Could God still use me? How? I remember saying/thinking...I would be willing to go through something else if that is how I would best stay close to Him and be of use.

So this week, I am thinking--Did I really mean that? I am typing this with fingers that feel the size of sausages. They are totally numb with painful tingles, though I guess if I can feel sharp needles they aren't totally numb, are they? My shoulder hurts, I had an hour of back spasms the other day...and I am not sure how this will play out medically. For now, I have two splints to wear that help, as well as pending appointments with a neurologist (to assess the sensory issues in my hands) and with Physical Therapy. (By the way, the doctor is thinking it IS Carpel Tunnel, we just need to evaluate first.)

I guess God took me seriously, and I remember having a very sincere heart as I breathed that prayer to Him. So, I trust that this is a reminder that God has not stopped in the process of making me holy. I trust it is also a means of continuing to make me useful to others.

Even as I say that, I want to be careful about what I am implying about God. I don't claim to have all (or any) of the answers. I don't think He is mean, after all, I did offer, here! And I do think that He could have could just enabled me to have profound personal discipline...but I am not the most cooperative student in that way. I think, whether it is simplistic or not, that God is able to work within the fallen-ness and frailty of our world, and bring good--both to me and others. That is what I want to be a part of--to be part of the big picture in a significant way. And, actually, there you have it--that is about ME, not Him...though it is about Him in a round about way. Oh brother! See why I get excited to see that He has been able to use me at all?

Anyway, I guess the reason I am blogging about this is that I felt that I momentarily forgot that He is at work to make me holy. I have been hurting, and that makes me tired...and a tad grumpy. I think I need to jump back into the game--sausage fingers and all--and allow God to use this in my life. After all, I did say I would, and as I write this, I realize I think I meant it. After all, sausage fingers aren't terminal, and I shouldn't have to pull out my wig. So...Lord...let's get to work!

Carpel Tunnel, Anyone?

2007-07-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

...just wondering, because I think I have it. For several years now, I have had my fingers fall asleep while grasping things...forks at dinner time, or while typing, for example. But the other night, I woke with a burning sensation in my hand...it felt on fire! That morning, my hand was extremely week, and I could not curl my fingers into a fist. This morning, no burning, but had pain that went into my forearm. As I type...number finger tips. Primarily, the pain is in my right hand, but as I called the doctor, I realized my left hand went to sleep as I held the phone. I don't mind the falling asleep--I can shake that out and it wakes up, but the pain is pretty bad and new.

So...I have an appoint with my GP...he is out until Thursday unless I get in with one of the other doctors in the practice, but they don't really like to work that way.

Carpel tunnel, anyone?

Results from Follow-up appointment

2007-07-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

Our trip to Dallas was a good one! Though I didn't see Dr. O'Shaughnessy herself, I saw her assistant, Freda, and I love Freda too. Very thorough--not a stone left unturned with Freda, and a hug for me and my girl to boot! ( I think she would have hugged Ellabeth, too, but she had fallen asleep!)

I did have some low numbers in my lab work, but being post surgery, she was not concerned. They also had me do a chest x-ray, which was clear. My incisions and my fat necrosis are all healing nicely. There are some complications from chemotherapy and surgery which are personal in nature, and suffice it to say that we got some help for those things. Also, we had a strong recommendation regarding dermatology issues (stay with the expert!), and validation for the nodule removal on my thyroid. Sound like a long appointment? It was! I felt both a little guilty for taking so much time AND so grateful that the time was gladly and willingly given!

We also had a great time with the girls. We went to a water park geared from smaller ones in Rowlett, and then to the Gallaria in Dallas. While there, Annaleigh agreed to try our feet on ice at the ice rink. I have NEVER been on ice skates in my life, but it always has looked fun.

One thing about my daughter...once she had the skates on she was so scared she was MAD, but eventually did scoot around a little. I am so proud of her for that quality! One thing about trying...probably shouldn't test abdominal incisions 2 months out of surgery, but that didn't cross my mind until I was out there wobbling around! I didn't fall though, and I did glide just enough to let my imagination fill in the gaps about what it must be like to really skate! All in all, Annaleigh and I were proud of each other and ourselves for trying. I like that part of being post-cancer: trying things and not just wondering what they are like!

Mark and Ellabeth had a fun time, too...Ellabeth especially at the water park, though it was a bit cold. Mark said he had a good time, but I think he deserves a weekend without daddy-duty, since his highlight was catching Return of the Jedi as he packed up and I watched the girls outside at the hotel play area. Perhaps this weekend!

All in all, thanks God, for the blessings!

Oncologist Appointment this Friday

2007-06-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

Today is a rainy and even chilly day in the last of June. Know what? I'll take it!

Tomorrow we go see my oncologist, and as usual, I am excited to see her. I have some questions about my thyroid nodules...about my dermatology office...and a few other things. She will get to see my new breast reconstruction and give some feedback about what she sees (we will hope its good, since what is done is done!) I will also do some labwork and make sure all is looking good.

We are going as a family and got a great summer special on a hotel in Dallas. We are hoping the rain clears just enough to allow us to take the girls out to do some fun things, but with this deal, at least Mark and I will feel pampered just a bit.

Will share the results later!

Said I Wasn't...

2007-06-26T19:57:00.000-07:00

A couple of entries ago, I wrote an entry about the balance and tension between living and growing NOW, versus talking about what has happened in my life this past year.

Well, the girls are in Vacation Bible School this week, and one of their songs is an upbeat, stick in your mind song:

Said I wasn't goin' talk about it,
But, I couldn't keep it to myself
(No I) Couldn't keep it to myself,
(No I) Couldn't keep it to myself

Said I wasn't goin' talk about it...
But I couldn't keep it to myself,
What the Lord has done in me (clap, clap, clap!)

The thing is, I was strongly impressed several years ago to really listen to the words of the songs going through my heart and head....especially the ones that are just faintly playing in the back of my mind at first, until I pay attention and bring them forward. I really believe it is a way the Lord speaks to me...heart to heart, one might say.

I still am firmly planted with the truth that now is now...and that I don't want to have people run the other direction when they see me coming for the cancer story I have to tell. Yet, at the same time...I don't think I am done talking. I think I have some more to say, and certainly more to ponder.

A Call to Bare Arms

2007-06-26T19:18:00.000-07:00

When I first began my cancer journey, I voiced hope that the experience of wearing hats would rub off some sophistication in my sense of style. Maybe I have gained a teensy bit of what I hoped for, but not much, I am afraid.

The proof of that? I am shamelessly going about sleeveless this summer. I don't have the arms for it, and I know it. But it's hot here in Texas, and combined with the occasional hot flash...I am rebelling! The fashionista's of this world are appalled, I am sure...and if there is going to be air conditioning, I wear a sweater or jacket, so perhaps they will offer me just a bit of grace. But for day to day living...for errands to the store...I have given in. I am ignoring my flabby arms and letting others ignore or roll their eyes! But, for me, I am being comfortable!

I think the motivation behind my courage to bare arms is this: my arms are never going to get better, and I refuse to survive cancer just to swelter in summer heat! And the reason I think it is not going to get better...my lymphodema folks don't want me to lift over 5-10 pounds. Of course I do, with the girls, but as far as going in for weight training, those days are over. (Rats, right? Like I really did that anyway. Well, once in a phase in my past life.) So what's a girl to do?

My decision...I am exercising the right to bare arms and give you permission to do so to. We'll just press on toward fashion goals this winter!

Can Persistance Fly a Kite?

2007-06-24T12:03:00.001-07:00

...I ask this question because just hours before my husband left for four days, he came home with a new kite for the girls. So, guess who has been trying to fly it for them while he is gone? Yes, that would be me.

At first I was a little irritated. Being on my own with the girls is enough, let alone being handed a project that demands being put together before it can even be tried out! But, with my four year old PLEADING for me to PLEASE TRY...I decided it was probably a good message to show her that girls can put together things too. It went pretty well, until step 3. My wisdom to share about step 3: when all else fails, look on the floor for missing parts!

At any rate, we have the kite together, and though I am not sure I can claim success, I will challenge anyone who questions my persistance at trying to get the silly thing in the air for more than 30 seconds at a time! Do I have a sunburn? Yes! Have my arms gotten tired? Yes! Have I tried to analyze wind flow and direction? Yes! Have I stood on the electrical box trying to get more height? (Well, no...you have to draw the line somewhere, and I figured that being a good example in that regard was the priority.)

And, lastly...has my persistance outlasted the girls' interest? Yes! With a determination that mirror's my three year old's, I have tried and tried again. And, it has been a little fun. For the few seconds it is waving in the breeze, it is beautiful. Have the girls been by my side for those few seconds of glory? Absolutely not, or at the most, they have glanced my way.

But the experience has been thought provoking. I mean...can persistance really launch this thing, or is it the lack of wind? Is it the kite itself? Is it my lack of technique? Since my husband gets back today, I am not sure I will ever know. (If he gets it up, I am sure it will be because he is taller than me and the wind has picked up! :-) ).

Whatever the answer, I think the question could be helpful: Is my current situation one in which persistance will make the difference?

And...I guess this shows I am an optimist, because I am not sure if we ever know, at least not while we are in the "thick of things." I do think there is a place for wisdom to know when the answer is a glaring "NO!" And there are times we know we need to increase our skills or training. But apart from that, if the Lord seems to be calling us to try...or if it is of value to us...then I think persistance, the Lord's enabling, and the sense of personal satisfaction to know we hung in there are critical parts of the answer.

Can persistance fly a kite? Maybe! Just maybe!

Holiness of Soul

2007-06-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

I emailed a friend the other day, who is fighting a lung infection. As I signed off, asking the Lord's healing for her, I also asked that God would grant her holiness of soul as she endured the healing process.

Though the thought stemmed from a discussion we had in Bible study the other night, I liked the wording that flowed through my fingers. I will try to blog more about it, because I think that the concept has a lot to do with what I blogged a few entries ago, about having a "theology of cancer." It's too late tonight to do so, but perhaps it will be good to ponder on for a while!

I Know Doctors are Human...

2007-06-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

...but, yesterday, one confused Mark and me. We are happy with the outcome of the appointment, but.... Here's what happened:

Early this year, I went to see a local ENT (ears, nose, throat) doctor, primarily to start on my hearing issues (or lack thereof, I should say.) He did a very thorough exam, including ordering a sonogram of my thyroid, because of bi-lateral nodules on it. When we met to discuss the sonogram results, he explained it was very small, and we would watch it. I gave him "the look" and asked, "even with my history of cancer? It doesn't need to come out?" He was adamant. He explained that the nodule was extremely small. He said that thyroid cancer rarely spreads, and that autospies often find people with thyroid cancer, but that was not the cause of death.

I held my tongue, and knew I would just "table it" and discuss the situation with my oncologist. I don't want to be cancer-phobic, but then again, my vet's wife died last year from a mestasis of thyroid cancer. I have such confidence in my oncologist that I felt just fine putting the discussion to her judgement.

So, what happens yesterday? A follow-up appointment with the ENT. (First of all, the nurse said the chart indicated I was supposed to come in October, not June, but hey...my card said June and they had me on the books!) I said I thought I was there to follow-up on the nodules.

When the doctor came in, he looked at me and chart and said I had a nodule, and referred to the sonogram. He felt it, then asked if it bothered me. I replied that it didn't, except sometimes I see it, and it bothers me knowing it is there. He then looked at me with a compassionate look and said, "Well, we could biopsy it with a needle guided sonogram, or remove it. What would you prefer?" We said we would prefer to have it out (that's been our approach thus far--if it has potential, get rid of it!) He said that was fine, and we are now scheduled for the 27th of August.

All that to say: I know doctors are human, but why the change? Why try to convince me three months ago that even a malignant nodule that size did not warrent concern, and now invite my input and display concern about my comfort level? I talked with a friend today who kind of knows him...she thinks highly of him and knows he has a great reputation. Sigh. Human nature and inconsistancies!

I see my oncologist next week, and will talk with her. And unless this makes her uncomfortable, I guess we will proceed. After all, who needs a nodule?

Integrating "Then" and "Now"

2007-06-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

I think post-cancer life is so interesting. After a year of dealing with a cancer diagnosis, surgeries, etc., it is essentially all done. Finished! Yet, as you have often heard me say, I don't want to forget the lessons I have learned!

The challenge? To remember, but be living and learning NEW lessons NOW. To apply the lessons of last year to today's circumstances. I realized this in a Bible study I am in now, where I have heard myself comment on scripture or concepts that have been so very important to me during my cancer journey. I think that's okay...it will always be a part of who I am...but...I need to be dealing with today's challenges and finding the same strength and relevance as I did last year.

I am glad to say that it seems like "awareness is the key", at least this week! I just don't want to stagnate, nor do I want to develop into a person who "always talks about her cancer"!

The point is: God is alive and active in my challenges today, and His love and support of me has not changed. It may not be as intense as last year, but it is still true. If I look for Him, seek Him, and really "see" the dynamics and amazing people and growth in my family and myself, I don't think I will be disappointed! God didn't heal me from cancer to stay there, so I need to try my best not to!

A Father's Day Tribute

2007-06-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that it has been so very long since I posted! If you are reading this, it is amazing! But, if you are...

Just wanted to post an address where you can read a Father's Day Tribute I wrote to honor my husband, Mark. I think it is such a gift from God--the opportunity to do so, I mean. On a Sunday, we picked up a flyer called Abilene Families. I spotted a request for Father's Day stories. On Monday morning, I skipped story time at the library for the girls :-), and wrote in. In doing so, I realized it was so very late, there was probably no way it would be included, but I figured I would print off my email and give it to him anyway. That afternoon, I got a reply from the paper...they were going to print the next day, but would love to use my story!

The real miracle? I actually suceeded in taking a picture of Mark and the girls (good thing he is used to me being camera-happy!), uploaded it, and managed to attach it to an email, all in one afternoon! God is good!

Here is the address: http://www.abilenefamilies.com/abilenefamilies/0707above.html

The DIEP thus far

2007-05-04T09:24:00.000-07:00

On May 2nd I had my DIEP Reconstruction Surgery. I am still in the hospital, but doing well. It has been a much easier experience so far than my mastectomy, although I have not gotten out of bed yet. I will report back after that.

We had an especially good experience with the anesthesiologist, Dr. Hebert. His lengthy conversation with me the night before gave me the confidence to go into the surgery with a positive feeling. He was the first one to come back and check to see how I was doing. We have had excellent care by all of the nursing staff.

We did have a little scare this afternoon when they could not locate any blood flow on either flap. However, the problem turned out to be with the doppler machine so everything is fine.

I should be getting up for the first time around noon today. It's not supposed to be very pleasant but I'm feeling really good so I may be more hopeful than I should be that it won't be so bad.

Today my friend from my college days is coming to visit today, so I am looking forward to that, and I am grateful that as it appears now I will be able to visit with her instead of being rushed back into surgery to save my breast tissue.

I must admit that it felt pretty silly sitting here praying for my breasts, that I hadn't lost them, but with all that we have been through so far, all I can say is that God is good.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers. I appreciate it.

Relay for Life Recap

2007-05-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

We want to thank everyone who participated with us in the Relay for Life. It was a very touching experience to walk the survivors lap with all of the other cancer survivors and their caretakers, being cheered on by others as we walked around the track. Our team raised almost $1,000, which I consider an awesome accomplishment and the event as a whole raised $66,500.

One of my most touching moments personally was when Annaleigh (my 4 year old) said that she wanted to be on my team and has said it since the relay. A couple of people have remarked about next year's relay, so we are gearing up for that.

Thanks for your support and encouragement in spirit. Hope that you will get involved in it next year. It was a lot of fun.

Tonight, Relay for Life

2007-04-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

Since my last entry, life and lots has happened. I will catch up on that in the next few days. But, for now, I am excited to share that tonight is Relay for Life!

I am so excited! The weather will be nice, and I am here with a full head of hair! Being bald was not so awful, but it is great to have a sign of healing blowing around. It is great to be a part of this...to help raise money for the research which, I feel, saved my life and is allowing me to grow up with my girls and continue growing with my husband.

Our Relay for Life Team has raised almost 1,000. That's awesome! It's also very humbling to realize that my willingness to participate has yielded that type of result. Granted, it's not 10,000.00 but, it's also not 10.00!

Thanks, Lord, for taking a little and making a lot!

Healthy Living Update

2007-03-25T19:03:00.000-07:00

In my last entry, I said I get an A for appointment coordination. I am not scoring as high in healthy habits. Rats.

Who knew it would be so hard? (Me.) It is. Walking was going great, until spring break which broke routine...then Mark was out of town, so no leaving the girls to walk then. Also, my committment to the half-marathon....well....what with no walking the last 2 weeks, no friends going over, stretched finances...I have opted out. It feels a lot like a failure, but at least it is financially wise!

Speaking of failure, I cannot get these silly italics off!!

Anyway, I have been really nervous about the ramifications of the half marathon on my system. Ever since the removal of the skin cancer, I have felt run-down and queasy. Not sure why. I was questioning the wisdom from that perspective before the final decision today.

Confession here, too: I have gotten off of my medication regime. Spring break, skin cancer surgery...Mark gone. I'm a mess. The thing is, in my former life of being a case manager, I would get SO frustrated by my clients who would refuse to take their meds. Now, here I am. Part of the problem in this situation is that I have to re-aclimate my system to the pills, meaning more queasiness. Talk about not being a positive reinforcement!

Well, my health habits are failing, but my honesty is an A...just don't ask me about how my fat intake is going. The only consolation there is that my plastic surgeon will have more tissue to work with if I allow a few indulgences between now and surgery, though I have been instructed not to "eat my way into a breast!" My nurse has a good sense of humor!

To end on a good note, there is a possibility of a couple of 5K marathons before surgery, and the Relay for Life is going well. God opened the door for that one and I am trying to be responsible in moving forward with it. It's feeling good and right to give back!

Medical Updates

2007-03-25T19:02:00.001-07:00

As boring as it is, I will offer some medical updates...

Since I cannot get the computer to back up to my blog entries, I will risk being redundant and tell you that my skin biopsy came back malignant for squamous cell carcinoma. I have already had the lesion removed, and it was definitely pre-invasive. Thanks, Lord!

I know I told you that the colonoscopy was clear...

My hearing test yielded results consistant to my experience: the type of hearing needed for language discernment...I have NONE. I have hearing for bass notes within normal hearing range, and I have some hearing of high pitches, but none within the range used for distinguishing speech. It's at least nice to know it's not my imagination!

The good news is that there are some hearing aids that might help me. The bad news: I don't know if we can afford to build breasts and ears in the same year!

My youngest is the next surgerical patient in the family, with a 30 minute corrective eye surgery on April 4th. We thank you for your prayers. And, we are thankful that we have been able to coordinate doctors' visits: we will do her pre-op, a post-op for me, and my first "blue-light" treatment fo

A Theology of Cancer

2007-03-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

I was talking the other day to a survivor-friend's husband. I heard myself throw out the phrase, "theology of cancer." I think it is worth some further consideration...how do cancer and God fit together? How does He work within it? How can He be glorified through it? How exactly is He responsible for it and/or for healing it?

I have some thoughts about it all. And, I may even share some here. But, even as I write the questions, I think it might be more important to love the ones impacted by cancer. We'll always have speculations, never absolute answers anyway...but where there are people with cancer, love will always answer a multitude of needs.

His Care is There

2007-03-09T12:50:00.000-08:00

In our Bible study last week, we were asked to share something "amazing" that God has done in our lives. As you can easily imagine, my list was readily available and lengthy. But, I felt like I was missing something. It took a while, but finally it dawned on me. I am SO glad I remembered, because this is truly amazing to me, and I would hate to forget it....

A few weeks ago, I saw a friend that I had not seen in several months. I was sharing with her some of the difficulties I was concerned about, in terms of how cancer impacts marriage and intimacy (see previous post). She listened, identified where she could, and then with a thoughtful look on her face she shared the following.

"I hope it is appropriate to tell you this...I've been praying to know the right time, and maybe this is it. But, I have been keeping up with you through __________ (a mutual friend.) One night, in the middle of the night...like 3 -4 in the morning--I woke up. I hurt, like a pain in my chest....I just hurt. So I was asking the Lord, "What is this?" And He said, "Beverly. You need to pray for her." Not surprising, it was the morning of my surgery. My jaw dropped open, and my knees literally buckled.

My friend, whom I asked permission of to tell this story, is a very godly woman. I really admire her, and I have always learned from her...just the way she approaches life and Bible study. So, it is also not surprising that she went on with this profound insight: "I just want you to know that God was seeking people out to pray for you. I'm not sure how all that works, but He was prompting people to pray on your behalf. I just wanted you to know."

I still get chills. My friend asked me not to share her name, so I won't. But I was struck: "_____________, you hurting on account of me...that was Jesus! That's what He did for us! That's amazing...I'm so sorry you had to hurt because of what I was going through, but thank you!"

My friend wanted no credit, and I want no sense of being "special" in any way, shape or form. I share this because I think it IS amazing: I was given the huge gift of a personal reminder: that God...who created the universe....is attentive to us as individuals. That too, gives me chills.

I'm with my friend here...I don't claim to understand much about this...about His personal interaction, or why He would prompt people to pray, when it seems He could just take care of it. But, if I ever needed a personal example of how God seeks to reveal to us that He loves us...I have one now. And maybe that is the point of Him working through His people...that we have a tangible way of knowing He is awares and cares. It is humbling. Who am I to receive His attention at all, that He would wake my friend to have her pray for me?

I also share this because I love how it has taught me. When God puts people on my heart and mind, I will remember (I HOPE!) that it is His love for them that put them there. Remembering that gives me a new way to talk to those people, too: I no longer have to be embarressed, like I am saying, "Look at me, I prayed for you, aren't you impressed over how sensitive I am to the Lord?" No! Now, I love that I have a new way to think and share..."I think the Lord put you on my heart, and I just want you to know that He was acting on your behalf. I think He wants to remind you that He loves you!"

I love that framing of my friend's experience. I love that it highlight's God mercy and compassion and love. And as I think about it, I write about it to those who read my blog...well, because, ...I think God wants to remind you that He is there and caring for you, not just me.

A TV Moment

2007-03-09T12:31:00.000-08:00

All of us have probably had a "TV moment" in real life. With all the reality shows on now (which I don't watch...I've just never gotten into them), that probably is easier and easier. But, I'm talking about those times that you find your life looking just like the Cosby Show or a commercial.

When we were in Dallas a few weeks ago, I had mine. It was a Charlie's Angels moment (and not because of my plastic surgery!). Picture not the hair (remember I was bald just a few months ago), but a parking garage. DIdn't the best scenes always take place there?

Now picture my three year old, running away from me. Because of a game they play at dance, I can usually get her to stop by telling her to "freeze." Because of the situation though--a dim garage, multiple cars, and a loose child--I yelled at her: "FREEZE!"

As my voice echoed off the concrete, I looked around to see if anyone happened to be there, because suddenly I felt like Jackilyn Smith. I was curious if I sounded authoritative to anyone else but her (and usually she's not impressed!). Disappointingly enough, no one was there to hear me sounding like an Angel from the past. There was no one frozen in mid-stride with their hands raised, wondering what they did. Too bad. It sounded kind of cool.

There is nothing profound here...and by the way, my daughter DID stop! Guess if I need a night-time job, I could always....well maybe not. I'll never have the hair to go with the voice.

Colonoscopy result

2007-03-06T13:31:00.000-08:00

We headed to my colonoscopy test this morning at about 6:30. The building was easy to identify...it was the only one with lights on! There was one person in front of me, and me. Talk about a contrast to a Dallas experience!

The colonoscopy went fine. I had heard it was easy, and that the worst part was the drink beforehand. My sources were accurate. The test was unremarkable and Fleet's ginger-lemon soda is almost unbearable. In fact, I threw up part of the 3 a.m. dose, but it stayed down long enough to do its job. One would think that with all the technological advances in 2007---I mean, I DID lay there and watch the scope of my colon on the television screen---that someone could come up with a more palatable preperation for the test! Ugh!

All that said, my colon was clear! Yippee! I was very surprised, actually. I seriously thought I would wake up in the hospital with part of my colon gone. But, the Lord is good, and my colon has been protected. The doctor will see me in 3 years due to my family and personal history. But for now, all is well!

All IS well, but there I am afraid there was evidence of my sedation afterwards. Mark took me to IHOPS for breakfast after we took the girls to school. He dropped me off while he ran to Target for pull-ups. The waitress came to take my order, and I could NOT, for the life of me, tell her what I wanted. I tried, I really did, but then ended up pointing at the picture and saying, "Oh, you know what I am trying to say!" Later, I spilled my Diet Coke on the floor...I sat it down on the table, and phlewp...it was on the floor. If that wasn't bad enough, I had another failed attempt at conversation with another waitress as we left. I just could not make a coherant sentence to save my life. I am glad I wasn't there to here the discussion when I left!

But for all of that, I still want to end by saying,
Thanks, Lord!

Skin biopsy result

2007-03-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

I received my biopsy report from my dermatologist's office today. It is cancerous, but not too far developed. So, we are a little disappointed (although not surprised) but choosing to be grateful for the early detection.

The treatment is called MOHS surgery, where they surgically address the area, take the sample to their lab, and continue surgery and slide examinations until everything is clear. Though the actual surgery takes about 10-15 minutes, we will be in the office anywhere from 3-6 hours while the slides are looked at. Up point-free wireless in the office!

Updates

2007-03-05T06:42:00.000-08:00

Just a few updates...

Our recent trip to Dallas was good. I was so glad I was able to arrange for a couple of appointments for the day, because both were relatively short.

--We went to a pediatric lab to assess my youngest's vision, and she demontrated better than the norm for her age! We are so happy about that! She will still have some corrective surgery in April, but we were happy for her good news.

--My dermatology visit was well worth it, I think. The doctor confirmed that the spots on my hands appear pre-cancerous, and she will treat them as such. She biopsied one new area, and we should find out this week what the lab results are. She did not anticipate it being a melanoma, which is great. The discussion of potential cancer was a little stressful to me, moreso than in the past, and I think it was the absense of the cheerleading crowd who have "been there/done that". That's okay though...it was a good reminder of what other's experience, and fortunately, I don't think this will be a big deal.

I am grateful to be in Dallas, once again, though, because it seems she has a relatively new treatment system which will allow for the entire skin to be treated all at once. As far as I can tell, this is not available in Abilene. I am going to do some calling to verify this--no reason to travel if we don't have to!

I do ask your prayers for Annaleigh, though. On the way home, we discussed the biopsy on my arm and what/why. When I used the word "cancer", she responded, "And you might die?" Oddly enough, she said it very matter-of-factly without seeming to be upset about it. I told her that I think that we are doing everything early so that I won't die from this, but how one day...when I am old...BUT, first, I want to rock her babies after she finds a man who loves Jesus and gets married. She seemed okay with this. I was just a little surprised that she had made the connection between cancer and dying, because we have not talked much about that aspect. But, she is a bright little girl. However, I do appreciate your prayers for her peace of mind as she processes these thoughts about death and heaven and someday being without her Mommy.

--Tomorrow (3/6) is colonoscopy day. Yippee. I AM grateful, though (I keep reminding myself). I really am. Any chance to catch something earlier than later, if there is something to catch...it is a great thing. So, today, nothing but clear liquids. Ugh. So, if I am a wee bit grumpy today....well....you might pray for my family!

Decision Made

2007-02-26T13:35:00.000-08:00

We have made our decision regarding my breast reconstruction. We have decided to go with the DIEP. If you are interested in the details of the surgery itself, you can google "Dr. Duffy, Dallas, DIEP" and get the mechanics of it.

Although this is not the easist surgery, we do have a peace about it and feel like it is a good solution for the long-run. We have had two women, both in the medical field, validate our choice. It is always encouraging to hear others voice wisdom--from their experience--about our choices.

The surgery is scheduled for May 2nd, barring any unforseen obstacles.

My observation: God created an entire man in one day, from dirt. All we are trying to do is re-create some breasts. I think it is much more difficult for us, than Him. God is amazing.

Half Marathon Update

2007-02-24T10:11:00.000-08:00

With some fear and trepidation, I am committing myself to the half marathon I mentioned a while back. It is April 1st, in Dallas. My friend that inspired me is cheering me on, though she cannot participate this time. So, my totally unathletic self is taking the challenge...and practising (I think the athletic term is "training."). Yikes! All I know is that it helps me meet the goal of walking daily to have this huge goal ahead of me.

So...I will be reporting in. This morning, I walked 6 3/4 miles (three times around ACU), and to and from campus (which might up it to 7), in 1 hour 50 minutes. Not too bad. I think I should get extra credit for the wind, but that's just my humble opinion. The half marathon is 13.2 miles, so I'm about half there.

I think it will be interesting to see whether I have any "profound insights" as a novice walker. This morning my mind was all over...trying to the math of times and distance in my head, praying for folks here and there, thinking I should have scriptures to memorize while I was walking...wondering what I would do when I got home, visualizing the marathon day.

Nothing profound at all. I did get to throw a baseball back over the fence to a team warming up. I had to chuckle...the girl that asked me to get it for her had NO idea what she was asking of me to bend over and pick it up! And being the non-athlete I am, I threw it way past her, oops. At least it went over the fence!

Relay for Life Update

2007-02-24T10:01:00.000-08:00

It seems like the Lord is making the way for my (and I use that word with a sense of surreal-ness) Relay for Life Team. So far, there are, including myself, 6 of us. And that is with ladies just responding immediately...no arm twisting or pleading on my part! I have an interested 7th, and we will talk Sunday. I not sure any of us consider ourselves real fundraisers, per se, but as a Team Captain, I think at this late notice, a committment to go walk, do what we can (even if we just donate ourselves and a few dollars), that is more than they had without us!

The team has room for up to 15 people. The team keeps a person on the walking track from 7 pm Friday the 20th, to 7 a.m. Saturday the 21st. So...if you are local and an early morning person and want to do a lap about 5 or 6 a.m, let me know.

Also, if you are a survivor...PLEASE come join us in the victory lap at the beginning. More information to follow on that.

Ash Wednesday

2007-02-21T19:05:00.000-08:00

This past Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. Although our church does not practice the ceremony of Ash Wednesday per se, our preacher sees the value in it and has talked about it the last two years (at least). For those not familiar, it is the beginning of Lent season, and to really simplify it, it is a time in which we identify with the death of Jesus so that when we can better identify with His resurrection. It is a reminder not only of Jesus' death, but of the death in this world, and our own death to come.

Last year, our preacher began our Ash Wednesday service by stating, "You are going to die." I remember, because it was the first church service I attended after hearing my lump was malignant. I could see the humor in the timing...I did not take it as prophetic...but still...it was a bit eerie.

This year, Ash Wednesday felt a lot better. It is still a bit unsettling to hear the words, "You are going to die," but it felt better. And, as I shared with my minister after the service, the message in Ash Wednesday is in part, the lesson of cancer.

Cancer is the reminder that we are terminal. For many of us, we get to take the message as a gift, and not an immenent happening. We get to take the reminder and "live with it"...fully, with purpose, and hopefully with joy. Thanks, Preacher Mike, for helping me remember.

Relay for Life

2007-02-20T11:49:00.000-08:00

I stopped by the local cancer center this morning and picked up a packet of information about our local Relay for Life. It is put on by the American Cancer Society to raise awareness and funds for cancer research.

Honestly, I just wanted to sign up to walk. What I was handed was a packet of information about being a team captain. Teams are made of 10-15 people (though you can have less than 10), and persons are asked to raise 100.00 as a participant.

Yikes! I really just wanted to walk and contribute my 25.00 entry fee.

Yet, I still remember standing in front of Baylor Medical and realizing how many people had been faithful to do the work put in front of them. How men and women had been responsible to use their talents to work against this disease, and how I had never done anything, but was benefitting from it.

The relay is on April 20 and 21st. I need to have a team put together by March 5th. I am not sure I can do it....it is way out of my comfort zone...but....I am standing here as a breast cancer survivor due to others along the way who were also likely at times out of their "zone." So, your prayers are coveted as I consider this, and if you are local and reading this and want to be a part, PLEASE let me know!

Salmon recipes anyone?

2007-02-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

Directly related to my previous post, I am looking for salmon recipes. My oncologist says that will help with joint stiffness as well.

I have never been a fish eater, so I am a little at loss for how to proceed. Last night, I made a Salmon Chowder out of cookbook my sweet mother-in-law gave me. I was doing well until I was chopping up the fish and discovered they leave skin on those things. Ick! Made it a little hard to enjoy the soup after scraping the meat off. (I prefer to be as far removed as possible to the fact that what I am eating was once a living, breathing creature.) Overall, it was good, but next time I asking the butcher if HE will skin it!

So...salmon recipes anyone?

And God Created Fish

2007-02-20T11:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life brings us to a point where we say things that we never expected to say. For me this week, it has been (drum roll...), "I am grateful for fish oil."

Like I said, it surprises me too.

But, in my last visit with my oncologist, I mentioned to her that my joints were really stiff. She explained that it was the sudden drop-off of estrogen, and presribed taking fish oil tablets twice a week. I have, and they have helped.

Pretty amazing...who would have "thunk it"?

More Than I See

2007-02-20T11:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, a friend asked my permission to refer to me in a Bible Study she was teaching. I thought it was great that she considered something about my cancer journey to be helpful, and I readily agreed. We then went on to discuss some of the blessings that I see as a result of last year's experiences.

Then, as I was walking this morning, I considered something. Everything that I discussed with my friend was something that I can SEE. Yet, the apostle Paul, in Ephesians, refers to God being able to do immeasurably beyond all that we can ask or imagine. He also mentions, in that same book, that the "rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms" are watching and learning of God's wisdom as they watch the church.

What struck me was this: For every blessing that I can see...for every good thing that God has brought out of my cancer...there is more going on. There is more good than I can even IMAGINE that God is likely weaving together out of this situation. With His creativity, perhaps He is even using me to teach a heavenly ruler something about His ways.

That is an awesome thought. And it is a challenge. It makes me want to be obedient and have a good attitude even when I don't see the good. I think it makes the church's response to difficulty a vital component in what is going on--not only in our world, but in His immediate world. It also makes me hopeful. When things don't make sense, or don't work out as I think they should, I can trust that God is at work...beyond my imagination...being true to His character....and forming both myself and things "in the heavenlies" into what He desires.

I know it is a mystery. But, I am glad to serve a God bigger than myself...a God who is about doing things that are immeasurably more.

The Gift of Morning

2007-02-18T18:32:00.000-08:00

I have stated often on this blog that my breast cancer has been a gift in many ways. Recently, it seems to have brought me yet another blessing.

If you know me at all, you probably know that I am NOT a morning person. I think it is hereditary. Seriously. My brother also claims that morning is HARD for him. And though I don't remember my Mom struggling with mornings, I do remember that once she retired, it was not uncommon for her to still be in her robe around 10 a.m. It is not that I haven't WANTED to be a morning person, it is just that I have found it incredibly impossible. ( Naturally, I married into a family of morning people. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law BOTH get up and excercise before people in China are up for morning devotions. And they are HAPPY about it!)

What does this have to do with my cancer journey? Just this: My oncologist wants me to walk thirty minutes a day. The best time, of course, is the dreaded "morning". It is best, because it is most consistant. And with the charge being to "walk daily," consistancy is pretty important.

So, with the new year and new resolutions, I began to try, but not in the mornings. I was "off and on." Finally, I emailed a friend who told me she had been walking with another friend, and I boldy asked to join them. They welcomed me in. And, I have been walking, IN THE MORNING, starting on 3 weeks now.

The thing is, I am now waking up on my own. When we went to Austin this past weekend, I got UP, on my own, and went and used the treadmill. HAPPILY! I can't explain it, but somehow, it has "just happened." Finally, "morning" is my friend. (I must confess that driving to the gym where we walk is a bit frightening...I should NOT, and I repeat, I SHOULD NOT really be allowed to drive before a cup of tea, but I don't have to go very far...)

To some, this might not be a big deal. But, as a NOT morning person who has always wanted to be one, this new found time in my day is a gift. And, it is a gift that will help keep my cancer at bay. That is also a gift. So...to my friends who welcomed me in, and to God who is able to bring good out of bad...Thank you!

Of Kids and Confusion

2007-02-18T18:07:00.000-08:00

I try to keep my story about the girls to a minimum here, but Annaleigh made me laugh yesterday...

Mark had a conference in Austin, and the girls and I were fortunate enough to be able to attend with him. While eating breakfast at the restraunt, Annaleigh, my four year old, dropped a piece of toast in her lap. "I'm having a bad day," she said with a pitiful voice. Being the brilliant Mom I am, I said, "Honey, we have the whole day in front of us, and things have to get better, right?" She slunk further into the booth and despondantly replied, "Maybe my teeth might fall out." I hope laughing at your child qualifies as good parenting.

Still makes me laugh! God, thank you for little girls!

And, I do thank Him for them, even though some aspects of being a parent are best expressed in the phrase a friend of mine used: "mind numbing". Such is the case with a CD my 3 year likes to listen to. And listen to. And listen to. And, as we were listening to some "fee-fi-fiddly-i-oh's" today, I began to comment to my husband that it is sweet that there was a time in which children's music was so sweet and non-sensical. In the middle of my conversation, I heard myself say, "WAIT a minute. Just who WAS Dinah and why was she blowing a horn in the kitchen, anyway???" And thus we found ourselves backing the disc up a song or two.

My discovery...parenting IS mind-numbing. Dinah is apparrently a train. Dinah is also apparrently a cook. The train blows the horn; the cook gets sung to...fee-fi-fiddly-i-oh. Two separate songs, blended together in the fog of motherhood. Oh.

Words of Wisdom

2007-02-12T07:19:00.000-08:00

We are still pondering and praying and asking for prayers for wisdom regarding my reconstruction. It's tough...there is such a drastic contrast in the surgeries, and the outcome is unknown territory either way.

As I was visiting with a lady I have so much respect for because of her spiritual life...she is an amazing, godly woman in my eyes...she shared that she had recently read the following...

HUGE paraphrase here: When you have sorted through everything, and prayed without ceasing, God's will is what is left.

I am not even sure what that means, but as I ponder it and try to apply it to simpler situations, it makes sense. I think. :-)

Breast Cancer Support Group

2007-02-12T07:18:00.000-08:00

I have only been to one breast cancer support group meeting in the entire time of my journey. It is not that I have anything against them, but I didn't particulary feel that I needed one, due to the immense amount of support that I had rise up around me. However, I did attend one a couple weeks ago.

Some may want to stop reading right here, because the topic of the meeting was "Intimacy in Marriage, During and After Cancer." And, I suppose it really is a topic that lends itself toward "Too Much Information!"

So, I will generally say that it IS an issue. There are parts missing, parts replaced, and hormones missing that have been synthetically replaced. That is even not to mention the whole shifting of roles between partners, i.e., from patient/caregiver (which for us included a lot of icky-looking wound care) back to husband/wife. And although that very willingness for the partner to become caregiver richly deepens the marriage, there is still a shift to be made.

All that said, the meeting was helpful. There was good information shared, and there was good support. It seemed like the ladies there were really neat, and really interested in hearing each other's stories and concerns. I had read in a book someone that purposely attended support meetings after her cancer journey because that was her way of giving back. I can see that. I would like to attend again, Perhaps it is a great way to give back, and I would surely gain something in the process.

Up Coming Appointments

2007-02-12T07:07:00.000-08:00

March is lining up and should prove to be an interesting month....

---I will have my consult with a dermatologist regarding some pre-cancerous spots that emerged during my treatment. Again, this is a blessing out of my cancer journey. I feel fortunate that I am getting the opportunity to address my skin in a pre-cancer stage!

---I will also get to do a colonoscopy in March. I DO feel grateful, because normally I would have to wait another 9 years. But, because my father had colon cancer, my oncologist wants me to check things out. That will be here in Abilene, and I have heard good things about the doctor I was given. Makes me a little nervous, but I have been told the worst part is preparing for it!

---I am also doing a consult with an ear/nose/throat doctor regarding my ears. For those who know me, you will not have a problem accepting the idea that I may be 41, but my ears are 65! Actually, an audiologist told me that I had the hearing of a 65 year old about 10 years ago, meaning...well....you can do the math. And, if you think I am joking, just call the house....because my 4 year old will likely answer the phone because I don't hear it! Early life skills training in this household!

---We are also doing some consults regarding my 3 year old's vision, and likely doing some surgery for her. Again, this is good...we have found a doctor who thinks she can help her one eye stop rolling up so high. Not fun, but hopefully when she is a mom, she will appreciate it!

Bone Density Test

2007-02-12T06:55:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry for these little gaps in my blogging....here are a few short updates. God is good, and things are going well.

My GYN wanted me to do a bone density test to establish a base line since I have had the hysterectomy. Apparrently, my body had a jump start on things with my induced menopause from the chemo, and I had 3 spots already showing some bone defiency. Once again, I am blessed to have caught it early. I am not in full osteoporosis yet, and hopefully with the medication, I will be able to avoid that.

I do worry about our elderly in America, though. When the pharmacist gave me my medication, she smiled and said, "Your total is 42.03." I smiled back, and said, "Oh. I guess they gave me a year's supply since I take it only once a month." "No," she said, "that's for ONE pill. Without insurance, it's 100.00." Yikes! What do our older folks do, on fixed incomes? I know we are blessed though...that question is not even an issue in many places of the world, where healthcare is so minimal that it is frightening, and old age is a luxury. Yet, I know our older friends must struggle, and that makes me sad.

Ten Steps to Peace and Quiet

2007-01-31T13:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I unwittlingly found the secret to getting some peace and quiet with my pre-schoolers. The formula goes as follows:

1. Sweetly ask your husband to go pick up the kids from their Mom's Day Out program due to being "chilled to the bone" and needing a hot bath.

2. Lock all doors to the house, so as to feel safe and secure.

3. Close doors to the bedroom and the bath, to keep out all draft sources.

4. Indulge in said bath with book and whatever treats make you happy.

5. Firmly push away all thoughts niggling at the back of your mind about why your family is not home yet.

6. Enjoy the realization that there are not two (or whatever your number might be) little ones bursting into the bathroom to tell you about "school" and bringing your luxury to an end.

7. Thus cocooned, soak and indulge until done.

8. Get dressed, complete facial routine.

9. THEN discover that you LOCKED husband and children OUT of the house!

10. Sincerely apologize, and smile at the memory of peace and quiet.

I Gave Away My Hats

2007-01-30T10:53:00.000-08:00

The title says it all. I had a call from a friend in our Bible Class and one of her friends has breast cancer. Her friend will be losing her hair in the next couple of weeks, and needed some hats.

I am so happy to pass them on. I kept a couple that were my favorites, but was able to pass on a bagful. It seemed rather like a milestone to pass them on...to not need them anymore. It is another sign of healing and God's faithfulness.

Dear God, please bless those hats. Please bless and heal the one that wears them. Give her courage for her journey; provide hope, provide reasons to laugh; develop inner joy. Please sustain her as the medicine does it work. Please hold her family and children and husband in your strong arms. Please provide for them financially as they take on this expensive task. Please bring them out of this stronger as individuals, more united as a family, and healthier, wiser, and closer to You. Amen.

DIEP Consult

2007-01-30T10:26:00.000-08:00

Our consult with Dr. Duffy, the plastic surgeon who does the DIEP procedure for breast reconstruction, went very well.

I appreciated that our appointment started out in a conference room designed for talking, and nary an exam table in sight. I smiled when I spotted the Andes Mints on the end table. I had two. Then, after the nurse completed her paperwork, she offered us a cold drink, and they had Diet Coke. At this point, I am a very happy camper! DC and chocolate mints, hard to beat! Later on, during the actual exam, they had fabric robes, not paper! Have I found my doctor, or what?! :-)

Dr. Duffy was....what is the word? For all the chocolate and hospitality, I did not feel "schmoozed". I think he is obviously very intellegent and skilled, but he wasn't arrogant. As we discussed my various doctors, he knew of them and spoke well of them. And, as we discussed my options for reconstruction, he validated both the implants and the DIEP. As he said, he is not a "purist", but believes in educating his patients about what can be done, rather than making a sales-pitch for one or the other.

The result...a very good meeting. I am a candidate for the DIEP, and it seems that it is a situation where the immediate consequences are pretty hard--it is a tough surgery--but, in the long run, it might be the better choice. And, Dr. Duffy stated that we have not lost any ground with what we have done so far. In fact, he was extremely impressed by my other doctor's work and approach in my surgeries thus far.

The decision...well, we are giving it a little time. We want to make sure we know what insurance will do. We just want to be sure. However, I did run into a friend who worked for an oncologist for years. When I told her what we were considering, she said without hesitation that she would go for the alternative to implants. She said she has seen too many people over the years have problems. My oncologist is okay with me going with the DIEP, and it appears that we might have some extra help with the girls should we go that route. So, it appears circumstances are pointing that direction, but the verdict is still out.

I must confess that there are times that I have just considered, "Why not take the expanders out and quit here?" However, I remember how nice it was to start getting some shape back. And, I think there is some "normalcy" for the girls in having a Mom with breasts. They will already be asked if they live with their grandma (I get asked if they are my grand-daughters all the time). I would like to spare them the question of why their Mommy doesn't have a chest!

I must also confess...I am rather glad I didn't do much reading last year. Give me one consent form for my implant surgery, let me review the stats, and I am off and researching and finding...! It doesn't make me doubt last year's "choices to trust" one bit. I am hopeful though, that all this consideration and an "informed choice" will be a good one, too.

2007, The Year of Health!

2007-01-30T10:04:00.000-08:00

This is at least our hope: that 2007 will be the year of health for us. We are letting that shape some of the decisions facing us thus far. For example, we have decided that my next surgery will be at the end of April or beginning of May. That will allow me to participate in the Relay for Life on April 20th, and also try to walk a half-marathon with a friend on April 1st. (Yes, it is really on April Fool's day...) My friend is trying to walk; my oncologist says WALK!, and this gives me/us something big to shoot for. I have no idea I can actually accomplish all 13.2 miles, but the trying should be fun (well, maybe). The training will be good, however, and it all points toward the year being about health and activity.

We are also trying hard to reduce the fat intake in the house. It is not easy, but we are working on it!

There is more to health than exercise and diet, of course. We want to be able to give back...to other breast cancer survivors, to our church, and to our family. We are trying to get Mark back to a healthy focus on his work and career. And, there is a balance and rhythm to achieve in our spiritual lives and family life, as well. Post cancer, it seems like this should be the goal...to simplify, be healthy, and be intentional and balanced. I hope we can keep that focus.

So, here's to a year of health! We wish and pray that for you, too!

Sunshine A-Shinin' Today

2007-01-21T12:13:00.000-08:00

Today, the sun is shining! After yesterday's post, I feel it is worthy or reporting in on this. :-)

...When I was younger, I remember commenting to someone that I was glad for the weather, although I was sure that God didn't send it just for me. I cannont remember with whom I was speaking, but it must have been someone I really respected, because I still remember his comment. It was simply, "Well, you never know."

I love the encouragement in that. I love the reality that God is that huge and that personal. How many times has He moved mountains for me that I don't really know about? I know He did so through Jesus, and I don't really understand how huge that was. But I also love the idea that He loves me enough to still send the sunshine when I really need it. Will I ever really know when He has done it just for me? Probably not. Could it be that He sometimes or most times He will strengthen me until the sun shines again in its own good time? Probably so.

But for today, the sun is shining! Could it be God ready my blog? :-) Knows my heart? I believe so. Even though I just cleaned up butter that my littlest one spread on the counter and the carpet, I believe so. And, I am grateful.

PS: My littlest one is now under "house arrest." She has to stay in the same room with me the rest of the day...or at least the afternoon. And that is okay.

Things on My Heart

2007-01-20T12:13:00.000-08:00

...as a parent and a new home owner...my advice is: carefully choose whether or not to put in a garden tub with the handles accessable to your little ones. Not only are we spending many moments chastising and shedding tears (the tears are almost ours, too, out of shear frustration), we are doing a LOT of laundry. You see, it is not only FUN to turn the water ON, but it is MORE FUN to throw things in. Several times a day.

...my sister-n-law, all the way from California was astute enough to observe that my girls always get sick with their daddy goes to conferences. Sigh. My husband, all the way from Seattle, was astute enough to observe that at least I would get lots of chances to sit back and relax as I rocked my "sickie". Translation: Brother and sister are right: I will get nothing done. Sigh.

...do you know that it has rained, iced, and snowed on a consistant basis since we moved into our new house? With white carpet? With a husband, two girls, and three dogs? Enough said. Thanks, Woolite!

...Even though I had my expanders put in back in September, I STILL find myself thinking, "This bra HURTS!" Then, I realize that I cannot take it off, it's my expanders. Ugh. Thus, my concern about implants.

...Perhaps it is the first of the year and the time for dreaming, but I am a little heart-sore that I am not contributing to my family financially after draining it last year. Then I realize that I have more upcoming surgery. An obstacle. I am blessed though, in that Mark's family is making sure we stay solvent. Also, I am blessed in that I was able to listen to a friend of mine and was inspired to hear her voice some of these same feelings...and I was challenged to consider what taking them seriously might look like.

...this is my first true "pity party" entry. At least I think it is. Will I survive breast cancer, chemotherapy and surgeries to only be defeated by parenting challenges, rain, and issues about finances and finding my place? If you are unfortunate enough to have read this, you might even find it deleted in a couple of days. But, for now, I am posting it. Pity party or not, rainy day blues or not, this is where my heart and head are today. I must close, though, as as reminder to myself: God is faithful, and did not bring me this far to drop me now!

Encouraging Experience~

2007-01-18T15:19:00.000-08:00

My experience with my Abilene surgeon has been an extremely good one. He not only found my lump in the first place, but he got on the phone one time when I called and said that he and his office would be walking with me through my journey. He has done that, being dependable to return calls to me and answer questions as they arise.

Beyond that, he has listened to me. After my surgery, he said he wanted me to be on Tamoxafin. I questioned this and explained why (because both breasts were removed), and he agreed that it was not necessary. No need to be right, just listening and adjusting. I then got a little nervous that my input changed the course of action, and so I called my oncologist and talked with her nurse...who checked with that doctor....who thought Tamoxafin was appropriate with the info she had at the moment. I then took that conversation back to the office, and though my doctor was again ready to change as per my discussion, I then asked him to call my oncologist, with no nurse in the middle, and be 100% about this.

So....after phone tag between the two doctors, it was decided I do not have to do this medication. That is a good thing, because it has a list of side effects. Morese than that, though, my physician was willing to do the phone-tag on my behalf. I truly appreciate it.

All that is to say a couple of things, I guess. One, it paid-off for me to take part in the discussion about my health care. Asking questions and doing some phone calls and even making suggestions has spared me the Tamoxafin experience and my family the cost of the drug. Two, doctors are still out there who care and go the distance for their patients. Even at my last appointment with him, he offered to do whatever he could to help if my oncologist needed tests run or the like. How encouraging!!

Thumbs Up!

2007-01-18T15:17:00.000-08:00

I had my six-week post-op check today, and my doctor gave me the thumbs up. I don't need to see him again for about a year. He does want me to a bone density check, but aside from that, we are back to an as-needed basis. God is good to be so faithful to bring healing. God made the body in an amazing way...that man can go in a cut things out and parts will heal back together. Our Creator God is Amazing.

They're on the list!

2007-01-17T13:44:00.000-08:00

(Regarding my reconstructive surgery...)

Well, I found out today that there are two doctors in Dallas who ARE on "the list"--the all important insurance list.

One, Dr. Burns, is a plastic surgeon whom has worked with my current plastic surgeon. He would be able to do the traditional TRAM flap procedure, which would take some of my stomach muscle and funnel it up to my breast. Because we are doing both sides, other tissue might be used as well...i.e., from posterior sections.

Another doctor, Dr. Duffy, is also on the list. Dr. Duffy does a relatively new procedure referred to as DIEP. It goes underneath the stomach muscle to harvest tissue, thus eliminating a large portion of the complications of hernias associated with the TRAM.

So, at this point, I have the freedom to explore some options, which is a great thing for my personailty. (My affinity for options can drive my husband crazy, especially when it is a discussion about where to eat... For me, the answer must include where we COULD eat, as well as what sounds good. Poor guy.) Hopefully, in this instance, options will be a good thing.

My fear in all this is that I have some unhealthy need to continue the intensity of last year... But, I am not sure that is it. I think that the numbers of rupture...the probability of further surgery...the ongoing need to monitor the implant seems to just continue the medical saga. I am hoping that if we use tissue, the deal will be said and done, doing just the monitoring for the cancer. All the further appointments for the implant seem to just drag the situation along. Thus...the prayers for wisdom still are asked for!

Out of the mouth of babes....

2007-01-12T09:45:00.000-08:00

"Out of the mouth of babes..."

Wednesday night at church, we saw our neighbors whom we haven't seen since before Christmas. Their little girl, age 5 looked at me, her mouth dropped open, and she looked at her dad and said something along the line of "Daddy, she has hair!!" We all validated her excitement. It was a sweet moment.

Following that, one of the teachers in the room told me of her son, who is in about 5th grade or so. Her parents our neighbors of ours also. "Hey Mom," he said, "You know Papa's neighbor...I saw her without her hat the other day. I forgot what she looked like with hair!"

Lastly, Annaleigh and I stopped at the store on the way home, despite the windy night it was. As I got her out of the car, she started laughing..."Mom, the wind is blowing your hair!" It has been a while for that simple pleasure, but I was surprised she noticed it.

I guess when kids start noticing, your hair really IS back!

Decisions and Options About Surgery

2007-01-11T14:05:00.000-08:00

As I was reading over the consents from my plastic surgeon in preparation for my expander-implant exchange, I was rather disheartened about the rate of implant breakage. I knew the implants would only last about 10-15 years, maybe less, perhaps more. It caused me to ask some questions....Here is what I found out.

The numbers I was looking at were for implants made before 1988 (I think, though one study was written in 2000). The improved technology makes the breakage percentage less. Less, not zero, which is why I would be having check-ups very regularly (regular post-ops; 6 mo., 12, month, 24, 36, and 60 months.) The silicone gel is not known to be toxic, but if rupture would occur, it would create need for more surgery of some sort.

There IS still an option for me to have my breasts reconstructed from my own tissue. My plastic surgeon does not do that any more, but there is a surgeon at Baylor who does. It is contra-indicated for me, because we are needing to do both sides, and that is a lot of tissue. The procedure is painful, and could leave me prone to hernias. With all that said, I am still considering it pretty seriously. I am just wondering if it is a better long-run decision.

So....your prayers are appreciated as we decide which option to take!

How Would It Be Different

2007-01-09T18:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder how this past year would have been different for me had others not been praying for me. It is a scary thought...but one that challenges me to consider, "Do I REALLY believe in prayer....that it changes the outcome in some way?" I DO believe that, but I also wonder how the outcome was changed.

I think of my friend who often told me that I was in their girls' night-night prayers every night. I think of people who stopped me at church and said, "We are praying for you, DAILY." I think of others who would let us know that their prayers included us. I think of the prayers said over us/me by our Elders and by a godly Aunt.

As I type this, I shudder to think too much about what the past year would have been like without the prayers of others. I have felt sustained...not tossed around. I have felt loved, not alone. I think I have grown in my faith, not despaired. To think of a year of aloneness, despair, and "being tossed about like on waves" seems really dark. I am so grateful it was not that way.

I had a professor in college who said one time that when we prayed, things changed in heaven. Once a prayer was uttered, something was different. That has always been inspiring and comforting to me. I cannot offer a lot of explanations here....but I do offer my thanks, my gratitude, and my belief that this past year WAS different than it could have been because of the prayers of three little girls...of friends...of older, godly couples...of family. I hope that someday, in heaven, when it won't be scary to know the answer, I will find out just how different my path was than it could of been.

My Next Surgery

2007-01-08T06:13:00.000-08:00

My next surgery will be happening sometime in February. It was supposed to happen in March. It is not a big deal, really, it will be a 2 hour out-patient scenario in which my plastic surgeon will take the next step in my reconstruction by removing my expanders and putting in the "permanent" implants. (They are permanent for 10-15 years, thus the quotation marks.)

It was originally scheduled for March, but then the doctor's office called me, and it seems the implant company had a flub-up with paperwork. The product itself is fine, but the FDA is insisting the company stop production on that particular implant until the paperwork is filed appropriately. Makes me a little nervous? Yes, but they insist the product is fine. Because I am doing a complete reconstruction (as opposed to an enhancement), this particular implant is suggested for me. So, Mark and I decided to go ahead.

Perhaps it because of the flu, or the stress of our move, or the stress of selling our old house, but moving the date closer makes me want to cry. March seemed so comfortable and so far away. I had a little breathing room. February, not so much. And, though it is outpatient, I will come home with drains in.

On a happier note, my sister-n-law just had her expander-implant exchange, and for the first time in my recollection, she had no major setbacks from the anasthesia!! God is good! (She also said it is pretty painful. Rats.)

However, God IS Good. This will be fine. We will get to catch our breath sooner or later. Perhaps this is the endurance phase for us, and we will come out strengthened. Lord, please be faithful to that end, and all the other wonderful, "more than can be imagined" ends that You can offer. Amen.

Flu Shot Blues

2007-01-08T06:06:00.000-08:00

Well, it would seem that the flu shot gave me the flu. Starting Saturday evening I noticed I wasn't feeling so great, and I spent Sunday on the couch with a very sore throat and mild fever. Still have the sore throat today, but am feeling a bit rested after being a couch potato all day yesterday. I was so sorry I missed church though. They had some special activities prior to worship, and it would have been a special time.

A Little Milestone

2007-01-06T09:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a little milestone for me: my first hairCUT since I had the buzz cut back in June. No one is going to be asking for referrals to my stylist for a while, but it feels good to me! It is a small thing, but again a thing of wonder: God has created our bodies in such a way that we can kill off hair, and it will grow back again. Seeing as how He designed us that way, I wonder if this is a small thing to Him? Or, is He smiling, glad His creation has been restored? Assuming that's the case, I will smile with him.

Yesterday I also had some unexpected bleeding from my hysterectomy. So, from the beauty salon to the doctor's office. Poor Mark, it's all in a day's work...while, um....he is NOT at work. Poor guy. He did work from home for a while last night, but I will be glad for him when he gets back to being surprised to stay home.

My bleeding was just my surgery incision throwing a clot off, so it is no big deal. But, my thanks to my GP, who DOES work on Friday afternoon, and was willing to examine me even though he did not do the surgery. He even threw in some blood work to check my levels and a flu shot to boot.

Here's hoping we all will strive to be smiling with God...seeing things how HE does... this new year.

It Must Mean Something...A Good Something That Is

2006-12-29T13:54:00.000-08:00

I just read our church's e-mail update letter, and I am OFF the prayer list! Whoo-hoo!! God did it! I think I have been on it since February or March of 2006. I have suggested, or at least intended to suggest, that they could take me off for a while, but they sweetly said they would keep my name there. They were right...there is nothing wrong with being lifted before the Father.

On the other hand, though, what a good way to start the new year...OFF the prayer list! (Now, if our lives start to crumble at our feet, we will know why, haha...but I choose to believe the Lord is more faithful than that, and that He did not sustain us for a year to let us fall now.)

So...to all of my Highland Family who have prayed for me this past year: THANK YOU! May God honor your prayers and petitions for others as He has done for me and my family. How humbling that realization is. THANK YOU Highland Family.

As Time Goes By

2006-12-29T09:48:00.000-08:00

To be profound, "Mercy, where does the time go?!"

Since I have blogged last...

---I have essentially recovered from my double mastectomy
---Been fitted for garments for lymphodema flare ups (I have had a few)
---Had a hysterectomy (all pathology reports were clear, and it was a very easy surgery for me)
---moved into our new house
---done a couple rounds for cold and flu viruses with the girls and myself
---had another friend with a "scare" from her mammogram, but it turned out benign
---had the priviliged blessing to hear that my sister-n-law's scans show her to be cancer free!
---experienced Christmas with joy and a new sense of peace
---completed my cancer collage
---continued to see the grace of love of God through His amazing people...folks being with us at the hospital, food, care, concern
---begun to process what this next year might feel like as this cancer journey takes a different turn, leaving the cancer "signs" and beginning a journey of health and prevention

The latter is most likely what my blog will reflect on the next few entries at least. What will it be like....how will I find healthy motivation to maintain my walking regimine and fat restrictions? What will it be like to walk through the church Atrium and not be stopped by people who are wanting to know how things are going? Will I REALLY be grateful for hair again, or will I move from bald directly to fussing about bad hair days? Will I use my energy and time well, now that it has started to return? What will living with a purpose look like for me....can I suceed at living well?

Lots to ponder as we enter this new year...but praise be to our Father, we will enter it (or so it appears!) standing and smiling. Thanks be to our God!

Under Construction

2006-11-03T09:03:00.000-08:00

As I sit down to blog, I find that talking about breast cancer is one thing. Talking about my new breasts are another. Yikes!

Breast cancer was funny, in that when I found out and started sharing the news about the malignancy, most conversations included my listener making a covert glance to my chest. A little uncomfortable for me, but understandable. The other possibility was seeing a glint of determination in the other person's face, i.e., "I will not look, I will not look.." Funny, but I appreciated it. Both responses were fine...it was a blessing to be inquired about, so it didn't really matter...I just found it amusing.

On the other hand, I really don't talk about my reconstruction that much. I think in part because my flat chest says it all. As the expansion process takes place, I think that will speak for itself, too.

What I find interesting, is that I am really excited to go from flat to my new size (I chose a C-cup). (Thereby proving my point of this entry...probably most of you are now thinking, "That's enough...too much information here!) I did not think it would make that much difference to me, but it does. It feels better to have some curves again, even if they are saline. Life would be okay without them, but I am grateful for this process of restoring my looks.

(By the way, speaking of funny...I had to chuckle at the sweet girls at Kohls' department store last night. Unfortunately, Ellabeth threw up in the middle of their aisle, right in front of the junior sections. All over herself and Mark. And the floor. They called maintenance, but meanwhile, one girl came over brandishing paper towels and a spray bottle. She walked slower and slower the closer she got, stopping several feet away. Another girl gallently stood at attention marking the spot until maintenance got there. I was in the middle of trying on some clothes, so I COULDN'T do anything. When we checked out (I felt a little obligated to buy, at this point!), we were apologetic, and they were so kind, assuring us it didn't matter. Their smiles and attitude might have had something to do with the guy pushing the mop bucket to the appointed place, I am not sure. All I can say is that there is something sweet and hilarious in watching teenage girls trying to be sweet while they are totally grossed out.)

Yesterday's Appointment

2006-11-03T08:44:00.000-08:00

In my last post, I failed to comment about God's creation and probable intent for creating pets for us to enjoy and care for...I think He was purposeful in doing so.

________________

Yesterday we went to Dallas to see my plastic surgeon, and again, we were impressed with the Baylor folks. The doctor was not alarmed at all with me waiting 3 weeks to see him. He said everything was soft and I would be okay. My Bible study group was praying for no scarring, so that is an answer to prayer!

Annaleigh got to be in the room with me, and as she was watching him "fill me up", she said, "bigger...bigger...bigger..." Dr. Carpenter chuckled and said something along the line of, "These days, that is what plastic surgery is all about." Pretty funny. I thought to myself, "Yeah...I bet you keep your cancer patients and cosmetic patients scheduled on different days, too!" But, I kept it to myself.

_____________

We also got to see my oncologist yesterday. At the risk of being redundant, I love her!!! I was not sure what to expect since this was my first follow-up visit. But, they were very thorough, taking the effects of chemotherapy very seriously. I always enjoy Dr. O'Shaughnessey, in part because she is such a strong person, but also because she has a sense of humor. She will laugh with me, i.e., about more hair on my chin than on my head.

I love her too, because we can have a light moment, and then move to a discussion about the difficulty in handling thoughts about recurrance. This was her comment: "Your low fat diet (35 grams a day) and walking (30 minutes per day), ARE your medicine. It is BETTER than chemotherapy." It was powerful and empowering, all at once. Not easy, but, empowering!

So, here's to new diet and excercise!

Pet Blessings

2006-10-30T17:28:00.001-08:00

One of blessings in my cancer journey has been my pets. We have three Maltese: Mikey, Wesley, and Angel. Yes, at times they have been extra work, but we have an excellent groomer who has become a friend, and she has kept them when the going has gotten rough.

As crazy as it sounds, I think Mikey knew my lump was malignant when I came home from my very first lumpectomy. I could see it in his eyes. Before you discount it, let me share that in a breast cancer research magazine, there was a report that dogs are sniffing out cancer with accuracies of 88-99%. So, perhaps something smelled amiss, and it translated to his eyes, but I hope I don't forget the look on his little face when we got home. It was true canine concern.

And, not to make light of my husband and girls, my puppies have been my favorite resting buddies. No squirming, snoring, or kicking. They hit the bed and are out for count until I am ready to get out. They are a warm snuggle and a breath of life beside me...fuzzy companionship! During my chemo, sometimes it was nice to just lay there quietly and stroke their fur, enjoying the silky texture.

Then there was the photo-shoot with my precious pooches. That just make me smile. Once I got better from my masectomy, a couple of them needed some medical attention. There was something healing in being able to care for them...in being on the caregiver end.

Related to my pets, but not about my pets directly, was a huge blessing that happened on the day we left for my surgery. Our groomer had come to pick up the dogs, and noted that our back gate was open. The mowers had been there the night before, and I guess it didn't get closed properly. We still had 2, but Mikey had decided to take himself for a walk.

And, walk he did. Around the corner--actually three corners--and across a major boulevard to campus. Without a word, my groomer and her husband took out looking as soon as we realized he was gone. They happened to catch just enough people to show them the way. Eventually, they caught up with him, and he bolted--into a drainage area of a new pond the university is building. Our groomer says she did her best "Steve Irwin" impression, and dove in after him. They both returned to our house, covered head to toe in mud. Literally.

While I am still a little miffed at my ungrateful, independent fur-kid, I am deeply touched by the picture of what my groomer-friend did. She sacrified her comfort, lost a shoe, and jumped into the grunge to save our puppy. I think it is a great example of what Jesus did when He came to earth to rescue us.

I cannot imagine how I would have felt leaving for surgery with Mikey missing, and am so grateful I did not have to. I am also so grateful that I don't have to figure out what to do with the mess of my life when I am pondering the life-questions that cancer bring. Jesus jumped into the picture, rescued me, and is taking me home. I am safe...muddy at times, but safe!

Bunco for Breast Cancer

2006-10-30T12:38:00.000-08:00

Last week, I got to participate in a night of Bunco for Breast Cancer. A co-worker of Mark's invited me, and we had a great time. I even rolled 4 "buncos"!

About 8500.00 was raised that night, along with extra for free mammograms.

It was such a fun evening, and I appreciate being invited...and hearing the stories of the ladies who shared that evening...and the money being raised for research...and the care and concern interfaced with it all.

Thanks to everyone! You have help boost my spirits and my hope.

Locks of Love Night

2006-10-30T12:10:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry to be lagging behind in blogland! Things are going well, so there is less time to sit and write.

An update on my time with the High School and Middle School girls when they met about Locks of Love. As we gathered and waited to begin, I got more and more nervous. I am a LONG way from being "high school cool"! In fact, even in high school, I wasn't even "high school cool"--I was just "me". But, that is a different discussion.

I told my story, and as I spoke, I took off my hat, and passed around a picture I had taken with my bald brother (our "twins" picture), and one I took with Annaleigh in that same sitting. I then thanked them, not only for the encouragement they already were to me, but as a parent, how I could imagine the gratitude the Mom's and Dad's would have for this gift they were considering giving.

Then I talked about the practicalities...that hats get knocked off, blown off and even hugged off. I passed around my synthetic wig and told how it moves when I itch my head, and how it came with instructions to not panic when I washed it, because it would look ruined. (Not so with real-hair wigs). I mentioned the costs we guestimate we have incured medically this one year, and how it is not hard to imagine that parents of childsren with long term illness could not afford the level of wigs Locks of Love provides.

I also shared my thoughts that hair is just how we are supposed to "be". It is how God intended us, and sometimes disease takes it away. By donating their hair, they were helping restore what God intended for these kids...and they also were helping to restore some things these kids lost when they lost their hair, such as courage and esteem. I mentioned, too, the relational barriers I thought they were helping to break down, so that both the kids and their friends could express/receive the gifts the kids have. I left them with the challenge of praying "big" for the kids who would receive their hair.

I am not sure how inspiring it all was, but I can say that the girls were attentive and polite throughout my time with them. I was impressed! And, I am choosing to trust God with the outcome of my efforts and words. They are an offering to Him to use. I hope He does...that would make ME feel good, but I am trying to get my eyes off myself and just let Him work and me cooperate.

A Small Part of God's Intention

2006-10-22T10:05:00.000-07:00

I spent some time this morning looking at the Locks of Love website as part of my preparation for speaking with the girls at church on Wednesday night. On the site is a gallery of both the donors and recipients (with their permission). Two things struck me. 1) How young some of the donors are, and 2) How beautiful these kids are with their hair.

Some of the before and after pictures are really striking. Looking at them reminded me of some of my thoughts at the first of my cancer journey; mainly, that sickness and disease is not part of God's original design. He intended wholeness and health; he intended kids and people to have hair (I am not talking hair style choices here, though I admit I hope my girls don't go there).

At the same time, I know, believe, and am confident that God looks at our heart, not our hair. The spirit and character of these kids...my kids...MYSELF...is what matters. I believe scripture teaches that, and I am in a refresher course on the topic myself. Yet, there is something about bald kids that is just not right. Seeing their photos, both the starkness of their hair loss and the beauty of their new hair drove that home to me. Don't get me wrong, please! These kids are beautiful without their hair, too. But, seeing them with their new hair seems "right." Like it is "supposed to be". And, I think that is in part, not just our culture, but because God intended it that way.

I think I will start my talk with the girls at this point. God created us wth hair. Sometimes disease takes it away. By helping these kids restore their hair, they also help restore their spirit, courage and esteem that God also originally intended us to have. I hope I can help the girls see that their contribution of hair is not just for the sake of "vanity", but in some way, they are helping these kids experience life as God intended it.

If you want to take a look at the website yourself, it is www.locksoflove.org

Living in Response to the Truth

2006-10-20T18:08:00.000-07:00

There are lots of directions one could go with this title. Perhaps this is less profound than a lot of them, but I may have stumbled onto something...

In thinking about, and talking with Annaleigh about her unwillingness to eat lunch with her friends at Mom's Day Out (also referred to as school), I posed two scenarios to her, based on what she has said to us. Do you think you don't want to eat because 1) It is too busy and you just don't enjoy it, or 2) You miss Mommy and are worried about being away because I have been sick? At that, she said she was worried about me and hugged me and patted my back.

This was what I told her, in turn: "Annaleigh, Jesus says that the truth will set us free. Mommy is not sick right now. I have been, but right now, I am not sick. So, I think that frees you to eat lunch with your friends...you can go and have fun and participate with your friends, because the truth is, right now, I am OK! We should live like that."

Yes, I know she is only 4. Yes, I really said that to her. Yes, it was probably more profound to me, than to her. And, yes, I should probably just tell her teacher, "If she doesn't want to eat, that is okay, but she must sit with the class."

But, like I said, I think I stumbled onto an important principle...it is time that we start processing the truth: right now, I am OK! I am cancer free! And, it is important to live life in response to that, not sadness of what has or hasn't been, or fear of what might be. Today, the truth is that I am fine, and we should live like it!

How I am Doing

2006-10-18T22:55:00.000-07:00

I do apologize for this gap between posts, and now numerous thoughts. Life is getting back to normal, and thus back to busy. Thanks for still checking in!

After visiting with my plastic surgeon last week, and then visiting with a friend whose wife went through a double mastectomy, I have adjusted my expectations about healing time. That seems to be helping me to do better, even though the consensus seems to be 2-3 months before feeling really okay. When I heard that, I was able to stop waiting to feel like I wasn't hurting so much and decided to just go out and "do." I think for the most part that has been an aid in my healing, though sometimes at the end of the day I can be really sore and really tired.

I was supposed to go back to Baylor yesterday, but as Mark and I discussed our schedules and its demands, it seemed the better choice for my family to put it off until later. So, I canceled and will be going back on October 31st. The only thing that makes me a little nervous is the doctor's comment that scar tissue tends to build up when there is too much time in between expansions, thus making the expansion more painful...but...what to do? Sometimes, family just needs to come first!

______

Often times people ask about how the girls are doing. Thanks so much for that! I think they are doing okay. It seems that they rolled with the punches for the longest time, and now that we are edging out of the surgery, there have been a few bumps. For instance, I think that Annaleigh saw her school/Mom's Day Out as a great thing while I was post-surgery. Now that I am stronger, she is seeming to struggle with having to go, and while she is there she will not always participate and does not want to eat her lunch or snacks, because she wants to eat with mommy and daddy. Yet, her teachers are working with her beautifully, and she is participating more and being happy more often while there.

Along the same lines, Annaleigh heard someone on TV use the term "breast cancer". "You had breast cancer, Mommy." "Yes, honey, I did, but it is all gone now." (Yippee, I can say that!) I was a little surprised to hear her say that, but she is a bright little girl and I have tried to be open and honest, so I shouldn't have been. Like the situation at school, it makes me a little sad that she is having this experience, but I am determined to keep on finding the silver linings...like the fact that she will learn early on that life is to live...that we run TO God in trouble, not away...that we are to be God's hands and feet to those who hurt.

Come to think of it, if I, myself, can learn all of that, this experience will not have been wasted.

Three H's

2006-10-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

Over the past several weeks at our church, a gentleman named Randy Harris has been speaking on Wednesday nights. Last week, in the context of "What in the World is God Doing", he addressed the times in which we don't understand how an all-powerful, loving God can allow really hard things to happen. Things such as cancer, Katrina, children's deaths.

I appreciated that he did not pretend to know the answers, yet did offer some helpful words:

Humility: As we see things happen, it is NOT our place to assume we understand or can presume to assign God's motives in allowing hard things to happen. It is misplaced arrogrance on our part to pretend to know what and why and how God is at work. There are times we cannot know, do not know, and do question "what in the world is God doing". Sometimes, there is just not an answer.

Hallowed-ness: Suffering is a sacred place. It is personal, intimate...it is a place where masks are stripped off and hearts and souls exposed. It is also a place where God is at work, and people are seeking answers. As others allow us into their worlds of suffering, we must recognize that we are stepping onto holy ground of the soul.

Hope: Though there are answers we don't have, we choose to believe what we understand to be true: that God is still in control...He is still working toward an end in which all that is evil will be finally and completely defeated, and that at some point, those who believe (not to be equated with those who never question or doubt) will experience the heaven He promises because Jesus' work on the cross was "enough".

Randy did a great job addressing this hard area, and likewise, did a great job tonight discussing how God uses ordinary people (again...what in the world is God doing?). And though I am really giving such a condensed version of what I understood him to say, the discussion was so relevant I wanted to note it here. Perhaps others might find it helpful as well.

That's "using my head!"

2006-10-18T21:59:00.000-07:00

I am so excited, because today it became official: I will have the opportunity to share with some High school and Middle school girls at my church about my experience being bald.

The girls are participating in a program called Locks of Love. It is a service project in which they will grow their hair out for the next year and then cut it and donate it for wigs to be made for children with medically induced baldness. I thought it so neat and called the youth office to express my thanks. Then, I offered to come visit with the girls, just to thank them and share my bald estate with them, in hopes it would make what they are doing become more real and personal.

So, over the next week, I will be collecting my thoughts. I appreciate all prayers for that process, so that perhaps I can say something truly helpful. I am trusting the Lord will give me words and ideas to that end, and I am truly excited that I can use my baldness to help! I love it when I get to see the Lord use something hard to a good end!

If you are interested, you might want to check out the Locks of Love website: www.locksoflove.org (if not org, then try net. Sorry about that!)

The Nordstrom Experience

2006-10-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I marched my non-Nordstrom-experienced self through their doors and discovered that in high-end departments stores, they have real-live musicians, not Musak playing over loudspeakers. I think the pianist might have even been wearing a tux, I am not sure. But, the music was impressive and beautiful. It almost intimidated me from going to the spa, but since they had my check card guarenteeing my spot, I wasn't going to skip it.

And I am glad I didn't. It was rather fun, being "high-end" for a day! The furniture was plush, the fixtures expensive, and the atmosphere calm and serene (they did have "canned" music piped in there.) The bed I layed on for the waxing was cushy and heated, and they served my friend water in a glass-glass. No styrofoam there!

I was also impressed with the girl who did my wax job. She was professional and made me feel very comfortable with my bald head and bearded chin! She worked for almost an hour getting my face cleaned up...which, by comparison...my regular hair stylist usually waxes me just prior to my hair cut, generally a 10-15 minute job!

I was also touched. As we chatted, the technician shared with me that she had had a friend who had had breast cancer, and that she is a volunteer with the breast cancer society. She has not been called upon, but she has offered to do skin care classes for breast cancer patients, and was disappointed that she did not have any information with her. Really sweet!

One thing I found "interesting" was that I had a sense of "been there/done that" when she pulled on the rubber gloves and turned on the bright light that shined on my face. It didn't ruin it for me, but I had to remind myself that this was not a medical setting!

As we left, my friend asked me if I thought I would make this a regular part of my Dallas trips. While I would love to, it is not feasible budget-wise, but it was fun. I am just trusting that I don't re-grow the beard that sent me there in the first place!

Getting back to beauty regimens...

2006-10-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

I am a LONG way off from having to get my hair cut, but somehow or other, the hair on my chin and eyebrows is growing back with a vengeance. So, I made an appointment for tomorrow, after my visit with the plastic surgeon, to have my chin waxed and eyebrows done. I could do it here in Abilene, but would have to have the girls with me. So, in a gallent effort to save my hair salon from two pre-schoolers, I am sacrificing and doing it Dallas. At the mall. At "the spa" at Nordstroms. The place the girl at Baylor recommended. It is pricey of course, but I am hoping that being a more upscale place will make it less likely to have a technician whose experience is on their kid sister! (Baylor Medical DOES have a spa on campus, can you believe it? It is just that they are booked for tomorrow. Rats!) It is reminder that before I know it, I will be back to hair cuts and the like.

I have heard all along that my hair will probably grow back thicker and fuller, but I assumed that would be on my head! That I have more hair on my face than under my hat is just wrong. Funny, but wrong. In fact, I was opting for a sense of humor about it until I took a good look in the mirror. Scary--in a Redbeard type of way. (Guess that was Bluebeard, but you get the drift!) I then looked at my husband and inquired kindly as to why he had not mentioned this. Imagine the sheepiest of sheepish looks. "Uh...I was going to say something....but I didn't notice until at church." Lovely. :-)

Back Where I Belong

2006-10-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

Today I went back to church. During worship, with Annaleigh sitting between Mark and me (Ellabeth had childcare), I felt like I was back where I belonged, and it felt good. Really good. Thanks, Lord, for the healing process. With patience and His mercy, time brought me to today. Mark had to work this afternoon, and while he was gone I also felt a lot more like "Mom" too (cleaning and disciplining, as opposed to resting and trying to make sure no blood is shed). That was also a good feeling.

Good feelings can be short lived...Ellabeth threw up this afternoon and has been running fever. We are going to the doctor, not for the vomiting, but for evidence of another ear infection. All more than you want to know! The sweet thing is that Ellabeth has let me rock her. Not normal for her, which may just prove how sick she is, but nevertheless, I savored the time spent with my little one in my arms.

I go back to the plastic surgeon on Tuesday. A friend is taking me, and I think we will have a fun time. I am curious what he is going to say about me still being so uncomfortable, i.e., having pain and burning. I am learning to live with it, which is perhaps what my experience will be, but I am still curious as to his reaction.

May God bless your week, and sustain you while patience, His mercy, and time take you where you want to be.

Opening Page

2006-10-07T09:53:00.000-07:00

Following up from what I mentioned in my last post, Ginger put my picture on her opening page. You can see it at www.gsnaps.net

Thanks, Ginger, for your support and interest, and may God continue to protect your recovery from breast cancer.

Happy Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2006-10-05T18:24:00.000-07:00

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month and so far three different people have "celebrated" with me in three different ways:

--a friend dropped by with a cute pair of breast cancer socks for me. I know she thought it a small thing, but it made me smile and blessed my heart that she thought of me!

--I got an e-mail from the photographer working with me on my cancer collage. She asked permission to post one of pictures on her site in conjuction with the month. I was honored and of course said yes! I am not sure where it is on her site, but her web address is www.gsnaps.net if you want to look.

--Mark bought me a giant cookie decorated for BCAM. Annaleigh carried it to me singing, "Happy Birthday to Mommy!" I tried to explain that this was a "Happy boo-boo's go away cookie" but she stuck with the birthday theme. Works for me!

I appreciate the thoughtfulness of all these I just mentioned, as well as all who have supported me with cards and prayers these past months. I also appreciate the funds raised through all the efforts made during this awareness month. Without the research, who knows what my story would be? Because of all the research, it is truly a reason to celebrate awareness! Thanks!

Some Things I Don't Know

2006-10-05T17:54:00.000-07:00

...I don't know what is going through my 4 year old's mind, especially when she puts the portable phone in my glass of ice water.

...I don't know when the doctor said my expanders would be attached to steel discs, but apparrently they are. When I told him I felt like I had steel plates smashed into my chest, he said, "You do." But neither Mark, nor I, remember being told that. Perhaps that was ommitted so he could also avoid telling me this procedure might hurt and might keep on hurting. The energizer bunny version of reconstruction, I guess. :-)

...I don't know how Saturn can fix our ignition so the key doesn't stick, and now the only key that DOES work is the one that DIDN'T work before they tore it all apart. Furthermore, the copy of the non-working key that didn't work before they fixed it still doesn't work. And, I guess it goes without saying that the key thad DID work before they fixed it, now sticks. Go figure.

...I don't know how many more calls I can make before Saturn either begins blocking our number or begins answering me on a first-name basis. :-)

...I don't know where Annaleigh learned to quote Genesis 1:1, but she recited it perfectly the other day. Pretty impressive, but I wish I could take credit for teaching it to her!

...I don't know the mysteries of God, but I continue to see Him at work in our family and through our church family. I am so grateful.

...I don't know where to begin with thank you notes, or how I will find words to truly express my gratitude for the way people have touched my life deeply through my breast cancer journey. I want to do something creative, but not dorky. :-)

...I don't know "what is up" with my persistant thirst and dry tongue since surgery. No matter how much I drink, I seem to always crave more. I am grateful, though, that I can drink water again, which was not an option (according to my stomach) during chemotherapy.

...Lastly, I don't know the current price of portable phones, but I guess I am about to find out.

Out -n- About

2006-10-01T18:49:00.000-07:00

Out and about...
2 steps forward, one step back...
White + red = strawberry blonde?

This weekend I have finally gotten out a little. Our Bible class went to May Farm, which is a local petting farm with goats, llamas, sheep, a pig, birds, rabbits, chickens, donkeys, etc. Mark and I had the goal that I would go, and I did. It was really fun, though I am still pretty cautious. Last night I was pretty sore, though, and when we got home, I HAD to rest. But, it was a goal met!

This morning, Sunday morning: yikes. Our family didn't do so well, though it was not a complete defeat, either. I cannot explain it, but I was overwhelmed about returning to church, so last night I opted not to go. I think it is because I am still in pain, and the thought of visiting with lots of people and trying to figure out whether to be honest about it or cheerful--or cheerfully honest--when instead I am feeling kind of like crying for the persistance of the pain...it just seemed too much. (Let me hasten to add that up until this current situation, talking with the people at church has been tremendously strengthening! I have loved it!)

Well, anyway, Annaleigh did NOT want to go to church without Mom. Dad insisted Annaleigh go...and there was the proverbial locking of the horns, with a bit of 4 year old stubbornness thrown in. So, I chose to compromise. I rode into church with them, and then drove myself (the first time since surgery) to Starbucks, and went back to the church parking lot and read and then did some Bible study. It was pleasant, though the entire context of the morning's upset, pain, and not being in church rather robbed the experience of being thoroughly wonderful.

In Annaleigh's defense, though...to a 4 year old, it must seem that Mom's boo-boo and absence from church has been FOREVER. Throw in the fact that she has a cold, and who hasn't felt awful in the morning with a cold, even when over the worst of it? Add in all of the things she cannot verbalize...well, a bit of a melt down seems reasonable, especially considering how happy she has been throughout this entire journey. It is all I can do to NOT say, "poor baby!" In reality, I think that phrase is rightfully extended to my husband, who is trying to manuever through breast cancer within a household of 3 females, even if 2 are pre-schoolers!

On another subject, a friend noticed that my hair is growing back. I thought my hat was askew, but she could tell from what was peeking out from the sides. I lifted up my hat and asked her what color it was looking like...lots of white, with some red. Strawberry blonde? We'll see.

So, overall: I am definitely better, but still hurting (about a 3 on the pain scale). There are some moments in which I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and other moments I definitely know I am in the here and now, pain wise. Three steps forward, two back, but still moving ahead!

For My Girls...

2006-09-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

The other night when I couldn't sleep, I started to think about things I hope the girls can learn from my health situation.

There are several things, but one of them is that I hope our experience helps them choose well when they marry. While I wish them all the giggles and tingles and romance in the world, there is a lot in marriage that has nothing to do with romance, and far fewer when it comes to cancer.

My husband has amazed me. He has cleaned out the tub when my hair fell out, seen me with no eyelashes, few eyebrows, and baldness, yet still calls me beautiful. He has sat through several surgeries and helped me come out of anasthesia--not a pretty sight. He has put his work to the side to attend doctor's appointments--and he loves his job. Work is not something he seeks to escape but instead fills him...he has sacrified a lot. He has never once looked at the checking account and blamed me. He has tended to the girls, and driven to the store when I craved something specific. He has "stripped drains" and changed bandages...definitely nothing romantic there!

Yet, all he has done and who he has been over the past 8 months IS romantic. He has proven his committment and love on a deeper level than most ever need to. I hope I have the presence of mind to tell the girls about who their father has been for our family. I hope it will raise the bar and give them wisdom when they make choices about their own mates.

Thanks, Honey, for who and what you have been for me and for the girls.

_______________________________

Today: I still feel like I have a steel wire cinched too tightly around my chest, but I didn't feel like I had to take a pill until after lunch. I only took one, but feel a second is coming my way. Overall, though, I am better. Not too wise...I picked up Annaleigh so she could help start the washer. Dumb. Also, today: Annaleigh is sick. Ellabeth has had a runny nose, ear infection, and general crud, but has passed the torch to her big sister. So, it has been Annaleigh and me today at home. Nice to have her company, but a crummy reason to have it.

First Expansion/Second Follow-Up

2006-09-27T09:16:00.000-07:00

One of the hard things about being a Mom is toast. To me, cold toast is just dry bread. Yuck. I know that one day soon, I can have all the toast I want, sigh. I want to have my babies AND eat my toast, too!

_____________________________________

Yesterday I met with Dr. Carpenter, my plastic surgeon. He took out my last two drains and said I am healing like a champion. I told him I am still have pain...that I feel like I have 2 steel plates smashed into my chest, and he said, "You do!" He also reminded me that I am not that far out from surgery, that the removal of the drains would help a lot, and that over time, it would get better. He urged me to not give up yet! Then, he started the expansion by injecting 120 cc's on each side. I am still hurting and having a burning sensation, but I can tell the removal of drains has helped. Encouraging!

_______________________________________

A couple we go to church with, and who are leaders in our small group at church took me to Dallas yesterday. It was a great day. We got there early and had breakfast, and they prayed over me before my doctor's appointment. Then they treated me to lunch at one of their favorite restraunts. I had a panini that was delicious, which was served with homemade chips. Yum!

I was also touched and bosltered up throughout the day as they shared some of their life story with me. She is a brain cancer survivor of 20 years, as well as a post-polio survivor. They understand the stresses...they have learned the lesson of taking joy in today and not borrowing worry from tomorrow.

So, yesterday was a gift to me in many ways. Today my pain is less, and the depression I was struggling with a couple days ago is beginning to fade. Thanks, Lord.

Breast Cancer Survivor Chokes on Cookie

2006-09-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

Figures, doesn't it? :-) Mark finally let me out of the house today to join him at an ACU luncheon, and I must be rusty on eating and talking at the same time. Just as I was visiting with a lady about how the point of life is to PREPARE for eternal LIFE, not preserve this one, the cookie went down the wrong way. I was and am fine, no Heimlich manuevers required, but it was rather comical.

On a more serious note, the lady I was visiting with has a lot of credibility with me. Her daughter was involved in a van crash over a year ago, which claimed the life of one of the young boys at our church. The group was returning from a youth conference in the metroplex. Her daughter seriously broke her leg, and though she has recovered quite well, she still has some pain.

One of the things we talked about is how easily fear can creep in. For her, it can be releasing a family member to travel on the highway. For me, it is recurrance. It is easy to chit-chat about the realities and our belief about heaven; it is another thing to combat fear with that same faith. We both are determined to not live in fear, but it doesn't mean we each don't have to take a deep breath now and then. I so appreciated my short visit with her.

This afternoon, thoughh, I didn't have to combat fear...I had to combat boredom. I am in between books, and after a while, TV is only so interesting. On top of it, neither of the girls napped today. Finally, Annaleigh said, "I know, lets put on music. That's my favorite!" So, we put on a children's gospel CD, and she and Ellabeth danced away. It was the end of my boredom...watching Annaleigh interpret the music and implement her dance class moves, and watching Ellabeth do her best to imitate. I just wish the performance would have started BEFORE I made the desparation call to my husband. He answered just as I was threatening one of the girls with discipline if she kicked at her sister. "Hi honey," he says. I am so glad he can recognize our happy household. Sigh.

Things got better with the dancing, and then Mark did get home and loaded up the girls to go reclaim the house key he left the rental car key chain. (Yep, we have our car back and Saturn paid for half the expense of the repair since it was so close to warrenty.) Then, my sweet mother-n-law called to check on me from rainy Alaska...she and my father-n-law are cruising away up there, and having a rainy and cool, but good time. Shortly thereafter, a friend brought a meal.

Life could be much worse and dull, huh? At least I didn't make local headlines over the cookie incident!

Decisions, Decisions

2006-09-21T15:35:00.000-07:00

I admit it: this mastectomy business has stolen some of my courage about my hysterectomy. Perhaps my doctor was right...perhaps spring is better.

However, my doctor's office called me today and we discussed dates. They can get me in on December 7th. I confessed my current "waffling". She understood. Mark and I are supposed to talk over the weekend, and let them know on Monday.

Decisions, decisions...with two drains in, nonetheless!

She Has Touched My Heart

2006-09-21T15:06:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I found myself especially blessed by an author:

During each of my chemotherapy treatments, I made a habit of treating myself to a book. During my last two infusions, I read a new-to-me author and enjoyed her a lot. The last one was a fun book about menopause, but it touched more than my funny bone. Chemotherapy induced menopause for me, and it seems my internal thermostat is never regulated for long. Although this is Christian comedy fiction, it was so helpful to me to read about the menopause experience and "normalize" my symptoms, especially my crankiness (as well as be inspired to hold my tongue in those less than glorious moments!)

So, I wrote the author and thanked her. And, she wrote back!

I have been honored and blessed by this lady. I anticipated, at most, a form-letter response, but she wrote me personally. She also offered to send me a couple books she thought I would enjoy. I was overwhelmed...how sweet!

But, she has gone beyond that. She has emailed me since...she took my name to her church and they have prayed for me at choir practice. She wrote the author of one of the books she is sending for an autographed bookplate. She has prayed for me, sent me scripture, and read this blog. I am humbled and amazed.

Because I have made a habit not to mention others' names on this blog for fear of embarressing them, I will stay true to that habit (but you can ask me in person :-)!
But I wanted to share this story...it is a great example of an unexpected blessing and expression of God's care for me. It is a great story of the body of Christ on a larger scale, yet ministering to each other, individually. And, I know I have said this repeatedly, but it has again made this journey a rich one. I am truly humbled. Not to be self-depreciating, but who am I that this person has let me into her heart and prayer life? No one special, but I am touched that she has.

Pathology Report

2006-09-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

They ran pathology on the tissue they took during the mastectomy. It was all CLEAN! Praise God and Yippee!

Mastectomies: Ouch!

2006-09-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

Whew! Even as I sit down to blog, I am still not real up to writing. This mastectomy has been harder than I anticipated. Even so, I am over the hump of the surgery itself: finished with the antibiotic, had a good check up with my surgeons who were pleased with how things are looking, down to 2 drains, and using Advil for pain relief. So, upward and onward!

I want to say a public thank you to our Bible Class! They have been fabulous in helping us out with meals, childcare, and house cleaning!

I also want to applaud all the night-time nurses out there. Mine was Tammy, and she was wonderful. I think it takes a special spirit to tend to patients at night with gentleness and attentiveness. I got up for the first time after surgery in the middle of the night, about 3 a.m....Tammy helped and made me feel like I had accomplished an impressive feat, rather than checking her watch with a raised eyebrow!

A "WE" Blessing

2006-09-09T19:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I notice the "small" things...perhaps even to the extent that I might read more into something than was intended. Perhaps I did so in this situation, but I don't think so, as I have seen this person's heart several times.

But with that in mind, let me share that I was extremely blessed the other day by a friend who used the word, "we". As she and I talked about my upcoming surgeries, she commented that hopefully the mastectomy would not be so bad, but the hysterectomy....well...she knew several who had gone through it, and "we" would have to be careful to really plan for it well.

Such a small word, but I was very touched: "WE" would have to plan. I was not alone. She was joining with me as this part of the journey loomed ahead (just as she has joined in from the beginning.) My heart was touched--this is a person who knows how to come alongside others.

Just two little letters...what a big blessing of strength and courage they give.

Such a Sweet Idea!

2006-09-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

One of the rich parts of my cancer journey has been to see the neat ideas others have about how to minister to others. For some, it is words. For some, it is sending cards or gifts. Others have called. Some have sent pictures encouraging my attempts in art. Our girls have been cared for. People have used their administrative and organizational skills to coordinate meals and housecleaning. Others have demonstrated their servant's hearts in being available for anything. There have been cooked meals and dogs taken care of.

You can see why my journey has been incredible, humbling, and a blessing despite the circumstance.

About a week ago, I was the recipient of three ladies' creative ministry idea. They called and arranged to bring a tea party to me and the girls. I had been in Bible Study with one of them, but the others I did not know as well. In fact, I had to ask their names, twice. (Can I claim chemo brain?) But, they knew of my cancer and upcoming surgery, and wanted to come. They have done this for several women, and I assume they work off of the prayer list at our church.

So, on a Friday afternoon, they arrived: picnic basket with china tea cups, cookies, sippy cups for the girls, napkins, hot water in a thermos, tea bags, and a pitcher of Kool-aide! We enjoyed it all, and it was such a blessing to have them around my table and get to know them better. And, my 4 year old, the socialite, enjoyed being front and center...and was so sad when they left.

I love their creativity, and the sweet Spirit they share, and I do mean the capital "S". That they are making themselves available to be used of the Lord to bless others is evident. Though I did not know them well, it was comfortable. Though I didn't quiz them, I suspect I am right when I say they have committed these tea parties to the Lord...for Him to use them to bless others. And He did.

What a challenge I am receiving as I receive the ministries each of you offer me. I hope to be an tool He can use, too. Thank you all for using the gifts the Lord gave you!

Outcome on Car

2006-09-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like the situation with the car is one in which I get to exercise my faith in God's provision. Rats. Yep...my 'druthers are for a quick and easy fix here. I am not big on physical exercise, and guess I am not huge on spiritual workouts either...though I am getting better about that!

As Ellabeth and I walked home (we had walked Annaleigh to speech therapy and then to campus) she started singing her Bible class song, "Deep and Wide." I had to smile. Yes, God's love and riches are deep and wide. He can do this. I cannot. Literally. But He can. His love and riches are vast...He can do immeasurably, beyond all we think or can imagine. I have seen it before, and I am certain we will see it again.

Thanks for the Mammogram!

2006-09-08T07:24:00.000-07:00

My title is THE title of a book given to me by one of Mark's cousins. She was so sweet to help us with the girls while we met with the surgeon, and then went above and beyond in sharing this book with me.

By Laura Jensen Walker, "Thanks for the Mammogram" is a humourous reflection on the author's journey with breast cancer. She was diagnosed on her first anniversary, participated in experimental research that meant that she received very heavy doses of the chemotherapy and thus, was VERY sick, and her journey ended with her car being stolen out her driveway while she and her husband attended the very last appointment with the reconstrucive surgeon. With that ending, Laura says she could laugh or cry, and they chose laughter...it was just so absurd.

I enjoyed the book a lot. Laura is very inspiring and her attitude is great! And beyond that, I have to smile at the blessing of God's timing in letting me read this now. Because, yesterday, our car was stolen. JUST KIDDING! But, yesterday, our car did break down. Just three days before we have to drive to Dallas for surgery. Just a few days after I had a meltdown about the price of cancer and the state of the union in our checking account.

So...with God's provision in all things, He armed me with the book, with surprise encouragement (more later about that), and with safety as I was able to get the car (and the girls) within walking distance of campus (Mark's work). We will find out today whether the outcome will mean more stretching of my faith in God's financial provision, and if we will be renting a car to drive to Dallas!

During the whole escapade yesterday, I kept thinking about Laura's story. This is absurd...but I can laugh or cry, and I choose laughter! I choose gratitude (it could have happened miles away from campus, or worse yet, in Dallas.) I choose faith. God will provide.

Helpful words

2006-09-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was visiting with Annaleigh's dance teacher, telling her Annaleigh would be absent next week. As we talked, she shared that her Mom had had the same surgies I am facing, for the same reason. Another breast cancer survivor! I loved the way her Mother referred to the parts being removed: "it's all just a cancer factory; get rid of it!"

I appreciate the way those words are "fighting words". So far, I have been approaching all of this with an attitude of acceptance...of peace...believing it is the best and right choice for me. Yet I still felt a little passive...a little "accepting of what is going to happen to me" as opposed to this being another way to destroy the cancer. Not sure if that makes sense, but I hope it makes a little.

Perhaps the reason those words were helpful is that the flip side of the "prevention" word is the "re-occurrance" word. The R word has made me a little anxious. It seems a bit scarier than chemotherapy for sure. During chemo, I was under the care of a great oncologist, and it is "now". "Now" I under control and I believe all is well. The future holds the unknown and uncontrollable. It is a trust factor...it is applying the lessons I have learned thus far about God's presence, faithfulnes and victory. It is remembering that we are all terminal, and that each day is meant to live and live well, not waste.

Fear makes it easy to forget all of that, whereas "destroying a cancer factory" is an attitude of control, choice, and victory. Thanks God, and thanks Miss Laura, for those words.

Strange Timing

2006-09-04T12:25:00.001-07:00

I was sitting on the couch last night with Mark and Annaleigh. Something caused me to rub my eye, and it just didn't feel right. I had to ask: "Are my eyelashes gone?" The answer from both was "Yes." Annaleigh was matter-of-fact; Mark was somewhat saddened. I accepted it with a sigh. They will grow back.

It is the strangest timing. Now that I am done with treatment, they fall out. I look the worst, but am in the best place. Go figure!

Follow-up and Pre-surgery discussion

2006-09-03T14:36:00.000-07:00

I had my one month follow-up regarding the hemmorhage in my eye last Thursday, and my doctor said the blood had re-absorbed, and it looked fine. He will see me in one year! Yippee!

That same day, I saw my gyn here in town. He wanted to check my ovaries before my surgery, to make sure they did not need to come out at the same time as my mastectomy. He could only see one, but it looked fine. I am in good shape as far as that goes.

Regarding my hystorectomy, which we had discussed on the phone about doing in November...he said he was concerned my body would not be ready for it. I have a 4 year old, so I argued: "But I WANT to!" He explained my body has to be able to respond to infection. I said, "But I want to! I want to be done with all of this and enter 2007 with all the big stuff done.!" He said spring would be better. I said, "But my oncologist didn't seemed concerned." Like I said, I have learned from a 4 year old, haha!

We finally decided that we...he or I or both...would talk with my oncologist about surgery in November. He won't do it without her okay. That seems fair to me...even though I want to!

Surgery Date

2006-09-03T14:10:00.000-07:00

I discuss this a couple of entries earlier, but I have my bi-lateral mastectomy on September 11, 2006. We are supposed to get to the hospital at 6 a.m., and from what I glimpsed on the nurse's computer screen (devious, aren't I??), I am on the schedule for 7:30. The surgery is allotted 5 1/2 hours (again, a little glimpse to the computer).

Amazingly, they anticipate me only being in the hospital one...ONE..night. I looked at my surgeon twice, and squeaked out, "ONE? Can't I have TWO?!" She said it was best for my recovery...persons do best who get up and moving, and who do not get infections. Hospitals are the worst place to be to for infections. "But I have a 2 and 4 year old!" She just smiled. My reconstruction surgeon said I might get a second night if I am still queasy. I am too honest to "fake it"...a second night would be no fun if I am feeling guilty. Guess it won't be too fun if I am still queasy, either. Sigh...

So, this week is the week of details, and the week of "lasts". I am okay...a bit saddened, a bit anxious...but still choosing to land at gratitude: for my doctors, for science and research and all of its advances, and for my husband, who is sticking by my side and still calling me beautiful. Bless him!

I am also grateful for friends with hugs, friends who call, and friends who are volunteering support and help and meals. I am grateful for family, who have helped and who will keep the girls at nighte during my surgery, and for Grandma Kaysha's best friend, who will keep the girls during the day.

While I am thinking about such things, let me say, "Kudos to my surgeon's office." While I was at my brother's, they called Mark. Dr. Knox's staff had noticed that I was going to be at Dr. Carpenter's office on the 24th, and would I like to take care of my pre-admit testing that day, thereby saving a trip to Dallas? How great is that? (Pretty great!!)

So...this week we prepare. Packing, filling prescriptions, readying the house. Probably lots of things I cannot think of right now. But, I am grateful...on the calender is also two days in which the girls will be in their Mom's Day Out class. That will be a huge help. Plus, this Thursday is Ladies Night Out from our Bible class at church, and on Friday (I hope), is a friend's vocal recital, and on Saturday, it looks like Mark and I will get to go out by ourselves. Lots to be thankful for amid the details! Thanks, God!

My Brother and I

2006-09-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in the last entry that I got to go see my brother. I am so happy about that, because I had really wanted to do so, but did not think it would happen. He is 17 hours of driving time away, in Quincy, Illinois. There seemed no way to squeeze in that type of trip in between my treatments (which were two weeks apart). I truly believe someone prayed about that for me, because the odds of me coming across the 97.00 round trip fare are just too slim!

Annaleigh and I went from the 17th-22nd, and had a great time. My sister-in-law, who has always been a good friend, did a great job celebrating Annaleigh's birthday by getting little angel food cakes, buying her a couple of neat gifts, and taking her to a place called "Going Bonkers". It is a place exclusively for kids of all ages...mesh climbing tunnels, ladders, slides, bouncing areas, and a swing. I at first let Annaleigh go up by herself, and I think she was a bit lonely...she went to one area and bounced a while, then came back down. I decided it was time to take cancer-lessons in hand, and I donned my turban and went and played! We had a fantastic time, despite the bruised knees! One memory in particular is laughing with Annaleigh as we played with (and fell off) the swing. We both busted out laughing. It was special comradre!

The time with my brother was also very good. It was the first time I had gotten to talk to him since his cochlear implant, meaning that for the past several years, communication--in person, during our visits--had been mostly impaired. It was so neat to just be able to be heard by him! Great technology!

My brother and I also did 2 things: we took a 45 minute motorcylce ride to Hannibal, MO, which was just plain fun! It smelled good...country pastures and all...and felt great with the wind blowing through my...um...helmet. I actually decided being bald on the back of bike is the way to go...no little wisps of hair beating your eyeballs to death!

We also...my bald brother and I...got our twin pictures taken. I called the photographer the day before and told her what I was doing. She was right on board, totally not disturbed at the idea of photographing a bald woman and her brother! She got some great shots, with Annaleigh in some of them, and I hugged her when we left. The funny thing: when I got home, I realized that our package deal included a 10x13...that is a lot of bald!

I also got to see my niece and nephew. Kelsey we helped move to her dorm; Dane was home after his summer job. Both are great young people, and my nephew...who was a baby when I was in college...picked me up from the airport. It was great to see them and I am proud of who they are!

I am so grateful Annaleigh and I got to go. It felt right...to embrace family during this time.

I'm Back!!

2006-09-03T12:47:00.000-07:00

If there is anyone reading this is at all, THANK YOU for still checking back in to see if I would ever post again! Since my last entry, I have had Annaleigh's 4th birthday party, flown to Illinois with Annaleigh to see my brother and his wife and kids, met with my surgeon, accomplished pre-op procedures, had my last treatment, finished our photo's for my cancer collage, had my follow-up exam by the retinal specialist, saw my gyn about my hystorectomy, and had Meet the Teachers night at the Mom's Day Out program both girls will start next week.

Now the debate...write about all this in one entry, or split it up? Here's a quick over-view:

About birthday parties...we rode horses and had birthday cake in the covered riding arena. We were blessed by comfortable weather and good friends, and the kids had a great time!

About Illinois... we flew, but only after going via 5 different roads and 1 plus hours of being lost. But, we made it to the airport that was only 10 minutes away from our hotel with a luxurious 30 minutes to get checked in and to the plane! Finding I-35 is EVERYTHING when it comes to finding Dallas Love Field! Like the commercial, though...plane tickets: great deal; hotel room the night before: reasonable; having your little girl hold your hand as you run through the airport and then look up at you and say, "Mommy, you're my best friend": PRICELESS!

About my surgeon: He is my reconstruction doctor and his name is Dr. Carpenter. His name makes me chuckle. (Had I had radiation, my doctor would have been Dr. Au, as in ow!) Dr. Carpenter reports that the current quality of expanders and implants are so good, they are in my best interest. So, no moving tissue from one part of my body to the other to create new breasts. Thus, much shorter surgery, less pain and less chance of infection. The downside: no tummy tuck. Rats!

Last treatment: It was on the August 25th, and true to my nature, I took pictures. I had my picture taken with Dr. O'Shaughnessy, and with the girls in the infusion chair. I look pretty wiped out, but was grateful to have them with me for that last, special day.

My surgery: On September 11, 2006, I will have my mastectomy. (The "twin towers" will be falling!) Dr. Knox, who did my re-incisional and node biopsy will remove my breasts; Dr. Carpenter will build them back up again.

So, that is the short version...I will go into details in other posts.

Visualizing It Isn't Helping

2006-08-09T14:44:00.000-07:00

In a common thread with my last post, I AM at peace with my upcoming surgeries. I believe my doctors when they say it is preventative, and my attitude is, truly, "sign me up!!" But...

Yet, when I think about the actual removal of my breasts...when I imagine them being placed in a metal bowl and discarded...well...I don't feel so great about it. It is a moment when "visualization" and "imagery" is less than helpful.

So...I guess for once the answer is honestly: DON'T THINK ABOUT IT! Focus on the positive, on the years to come, and on my beautiful girls and wonderful husband in front of me. Keep a sense of humor...about what it will be like to pick out parts (and I thought a wig was hard!), and what will happen if I spring a leak (my nurse said I would be sent home with a saline solution until further reconstruction takes place.) I can just see me watering the fresh produce at the grocery store! HA!

At any rate...I am okay, as long as I don't let my mind's eye conjure up unwanted images.

By the way, speaking of beautiful children and grocery stores, the girls and I just got back from shopping. When we checked out, the grocery clerk invited and helped Annaleigh to do the actual check out, making the machine read and beep at all our stuff. Perhaps something like that happens anymore only in Abilene, Texas, but it made me smile and gave me a great day. How fun!

War or Peace?

2006-08-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting that my cancer journey holds a certain tension. On one hand, I think and talk in terms of fighting my cancer. I want to do everything I can...prayer, optomism, chemotherapy, surgery, exercise, diet...to beat the cancer that has tried to grow inside of my body. I want to cooperate to fullest extend to beat this thing.

On the other hand, I talk and think in terms of cancer being a gift. It is not a gift I may have had the wisdom to choose, and as my friend says, it is a harsh gift, but it is a gift, nonetheless. Mark and I have been given the opportunity to be reminded to value life, love our girls, and see the small--yet huge--acts and items of beauty and love around us. I have described my journey as one that is rich, and that I would not necessarily turn the journey down if it were offered again. I believe that is true.

So, am I at war or peace with my cancer? Both. Despite the vast contrast, both.

The Nurses Were Right

2006-08-04T12:09:00.000-07:00

Regarding the blood I mentioned a couple of entries ago, I believe the nurses were right. I have had no bleeding today, so am trusting all is well.

Today is the third day after my Taxol treatment. This unpredictable drug is at least consistant...I am wiped out, a little queasy, and generally blah. But, I expect to be much better tomorrow. I have to say the contrast has run through my brain today: Jesus rose on the 3rd day (or as we put it for the girls, "Jesus JUMPED from the grave")...Taxol takes me down.

Tomorrow is a new day!

Fly Me to the Moon

2006-08-03T09:23:00.000-07:00

I forgot to share this fun blessing...

On the way home from my last treatment, Mark and I stopped at Macaroni Grill for a bite to eat. A waiter was helping another table...he was singing to their little girl! Perhaps because I was "on drugs", I boldy asked our waitress if he could come fill my tea and sing to us, too. She said she thought so and went to talk to him. (At this point, Mark is trying to slip under the table.)

The waiter came over, filled my tea, and sang to us. His choice: "Fly Me to the Moon." It was GREAT!!! He had a fabulous voice, had great personality, and the song was so fun.

So, now Mark and I have "our song". And, we have a great memory. Thanks, Macaroni Grill waiter!