Out of the Mouths of Moms

Sometimes...don't you just hear just what you need to hear as you talk to your kids? Or your dogs?

There are several examples, but the other day, my littlest dog was yapping up a storm. She had water, food, and a treat...I think she just needed to be put to bed, so she could feel safe. (She is a retired breeder dog, never properly loved or socialized and has some related issues.)

"Angel, you have everything you need! Why are you fussing?"

I admit it. My own words apply to me. As I have shared in past entries, I am really praying about a way to bring in some income. At times, I am sure the Lord feels I am fussing about it. My own words caused me to stop and quiet my heart a little. We DO have everything we need. Why am I getting agitated, instead of peacefully and enthusiastically looking for the answer?

We DO need to rebuild a bit...I DO see some valid needs that some additional income would address. I DO want to serve my family with the strength and health the Lord has granted me. Yet, I am challenged by my own words, especially as I consider some of my own blogged words a couple of entries ago: part of healing is enjoying life.

Thus, my goal and what is on my heart: To stop fussing...to embrace the safety and met needs the Lord has provided...and, happily and joyfully and with excitement--not agitation--continue to explore my options. And the Lord does seem to be presenting some possibilities...but I am holding my tongue for now--which may be part of my "unhealth", but I will save my timidity and self-consciousness for another blog! But, hopefully, in the process, until I find the courage to blog about it, I will regain some ground toward joyfully problem-solving!

Carpel Tunnel Report

I accomplished my nerve conduction test yesterday.

My experience: "unpleasantly ok." If you can imagine someone taking a blunt instrument (like the one they use to test reflexes) and sharply hitting you several times, that was what it felt like to me. It hurt, but was not excruciating, and it did not burn. I was a little achy afterward, and tired, but it seems like pain makes me tired, so perhaps that is just me. My left side was more painful than the right (my right side is worse, so perhaps the nerves are more clogged up). It's not hard to imagine, though, that someone who has a low pain-thresh-hold, or who has not experienced much pain, would find the test a little more severe.

There were no needles involved, which a couple of people had made me expect, but mine was done with electrical shocks. As I was laying there, I kept thinking, "Someday, history will look back and find this barbaric!" Oh the joys of being on the front-end (assuming it IS new-ish) of emerging technology! And for a little bit of irony...that evening as I channel-surfed, what did I come across but "The One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." I always HATED that shock-treatment scene! Now I know why!

The results: Of course, I have to wait. But, he was willing to say he is fairly certain my right hand does have carpel tunnel. The left side is not as bad, and he has to look more closely at the results. And, I had to chuckle...the nurse gave me my follow-up appointment and I had to say, "Sorry--that's not going to work for me." For most people, they would be out of town or getting their hair done. Me: I'm having surgery that day! But, on August 30th, three days after my surgery, we should get the results.

The treatment: Surgery is a possibility, but we don't know yet. Cock-up splints, yes--though they are unpleasant to wear at night, in my experience. If it does result in surgery, it is just a day surgery...a little snip to the tendon, and voila'--done! Not so bad, except for the cost of it.

A Pick-Me-Up

There are some questions that I should probably just not ask, and this is probably one of them. But, just how bad did I look when I had cancer??

The reason I ask is this: It seems like an overwhelming majority of the people I run into have the same question and comment: "How are you? Well, you look just GREAT!!"

I know that I was bald, with no eyebrows or eyelashes, but, really now....well, okay....maybe I did look just a tad sick. :-)

I AM laughing as I write this. I love the encouragement of others and their care and concern. I love it that they noticed I wasn't looking so perky, and I love it that they notice that I look better. No, I look GREAT! Now, there's a pick-me-up! (I'm not packing my bags and entering any Ms. _________ pageants, but I will take GREAT when I get it!)

Thanks, Lord, for folks who see me and take time to care...thanks that You see me and care as well!

On a Monday Morning...

It is a Monday morning....

This week I have the nerve conduction test for my Carpel Tunnel on Wednesday. I have heard two things....that it is NOT pleasant, and that it is not that big of a deal. My guess is that it depends on the amount of nerve damage...i.e., the more nerve damage the less painful. But that's just my guess. I will report in! I can say that I have been dropping a lot of things, so I am interested in seeing how my experience matches up with the test results.

We are also trying to keep reminded that I have the surgery to remove the nodule on my thyroid at the end of the month. Though I will probably spend one night in the hospital, it doesn't seem like a big deal to me. It did cross my mind the other day that the surgery is on my NECK, with some pretty major arteries in the area.... :-) , but I won't go there.

Apart from that, since I have written this far, I would now really like to say something profound. Really I would. But I just don't have it. Perhaps because it is Monday morning...perhaps because it is Monday morning AFTER we hosted our small group from church last night....and perhaps because there are lots of things to accomplish and it is only Monday morning. Fortunately, my house is clean from hosting last night, so that is a blessing! Perhaps profound and tired just don't mix!

Yet, as I think about it, perhaps it is not that I want to say something profound...this morning, I would like to HEAR something profound. There are words I would like to hope for about several situations...about my bringing income into the family, about school choices for our youngest, about my neck pain (my doctor ordered more PT rather than an x-ray or scan of some sort, which is what I would like), about....well there are just several things. It is not that I am necessarily worried, but there are times that you just want to be on the other side of a situation and hear that it all worked as you hoped.

Especially on a Monday morning.

A Blessing to Me!

In my last entry, I mentioned a lady who prayed for me...that God would provide an opportunity for me to work that would place my creativity in sync with His provision. I thought that was so profound, and it touched my heart!

I feel so blessed to be in Bible study with this lady. We are in the same discussion group, and I have so enjoyed getting to know her. We first met a year ago, at Baylor, in one of the pre-admission rooms. Yes: we were both getting ready for surgery related to our breast cancer. She was relativily new to Abilene, and I honestly don't know if we would have met otherwise. She was there with her husband and their newborn, who is now just over a year old!

But now, here we are! When we met a year ago, she had gorgeous long, black hair (she is Malaysian). Now, she sports a trendy-looking short "do" as her hair is growing back in. Because of our mutual journey's, we have connected at this study, and she is such a treasure...a godly woman who voices her thoughts so elequently. She is so great at explaining why she/we would be willing to go through cancer again, and some of her ideas about that prod me to go deeper.

In fact, that is one of the reasons I think I am so drawn to her...she has gone deeply through her cancer journey and come out on the other side with peace and strength. I love learning from her and hope that I am some encouragement in return. Our study ends in a couple of weeks, and I so hope we can stay in touch. It is one of the difficulties of a large church, but I have been thinking I might need to be intentional abut this. She is just so neat!

Thanks, God, for your gift of people in our lives!

Healing Defined

I guess if I choose a title, I should be prepared to truly expound upon it, but I'm not, at least right now. But, last night, at Bible study, a definition of healing was given, and I want to share that much:

The Hebrew word for "healed" as is used in Joshua 5:8: "to live, exist, enjoy life, to live anew, be well;...to...refresh, rebuild." (Beth Moore, session 8 in Believing God.)

I love that! I love that "enjoying life" is evidence of healing; I think it gives permission to feel healed at this point in time, without having to worry that tomorrow may bring something new from which I am not yet healed from. I also love that it implies that healing may go beyond what my body may or may not be doing, but rather, points to what my spirit and soul is open to receive. From that perspective, I feel healed on more than one level, because not only is my body cancer free, but I DO feel more open to receiving the gifts around me, in their many shapes and forms. Thanks, Lord, for healing!

One area I am trying to tackle now...to rebuild, and in that way complete some healing...is that of finances. As I have stated before, cancer is expensive! We've made it, and save for a little nodule removal and some carpel tunnel issues (sigh...it seems a bit defeating, I admit), I feel I am healthy enough to start addressing the ways I can contribute to rebuilding some of our cash flow.

It's a challenge...I still want to stay home with the girls, meaning...major flexibility is needed. I have been asking people to pray about it with me, and I guess that is why I post it. One lady prayed that God's creativity would provide...and another lady prayed that God would allow my creativiy and His provision to be in sync. Both of those prayers were so helpful to me! I think God can do it, and I want to ask BIG...like my friend did for me...that the answer would be something in tune with both God and myself.

So...I will keep you posted. I am watching, and have a few things I am looking at....and I am expecting something, at the right time, to show up...or at least a sense of peace if it doesn't!

Healing Hands

When I recently saw the dermatologist, she decided to spray some nitro-something on the spots on my hands. To say it burned is an under-statement!

I was reacting to it as calmly as I could, but my 4 year old still noticed. "Mommy, are you okay?" I replied that I was, but that it did hurt.

As the doctor continued, Annaleigh looked at me, came around the table, and said, "Here Mommy, I will help you be brave." And at that, she put her hands on my back and left them there until the doctor was done.

Did it help? YES! There is something healing about touch, and I think more-so when it is the touch from your very own child. It was precious--a bit early in our relationship for the role-reversal thing, but nonetheless, there it was! She placed her healing hands on me, and for that, I am touched and so grateful!

A Second Chance

Back in March, I had wanted to walk a half-marathon, but it didn't work out.

Now, I get a second chance! There is a half marathon here in Abilene, there is a group of people from Mark's work who might walk it and are training for it, and Mark has agreed to walk it with me!

So, barring the unforseen, I get to try again. So far, I have done a six mile walk, and walked the stairs in the Coliseum. I will do the former again, despite my joints protesting vehemently the next day, but the stairs are being replaced by walking the hills at the marathon site, as per my husband and physical therapist!

My Dilemma

I am facing somewhat of a dilemma.

As I have mentioned before on this blog, I am seeing a dermatologist in Dallas for pre-cancerous cells, primarily on my hands and face and arms. She is an expert in this area. However, her staff...yikes. They are the most sober bunch...and...at the risk of being negative, not the most helpful when it comes to insurance matters. Nor do they seem to value the fact that we drive for 3 hours to see them. For example, back in June, we arrived, only to be told that insurance was not in place (which it was, but faxes were not received), and then were told, "I told you that (referrals had run out) last time you were here."

OK...first of all, the customer is always right last I knew, and if not right, at least should have friendly support as we get the situation resolved. As Mark was on the phone with our insurance person (whom we know well by now!) and being told everything was in place, my most positive husband admitted the staff exhibited little concern about the situation. Lack of caring is not an endearing quality to parents who have just driven 3 hours with 2 pre-schoolers (which is our choice, but also not a choice since we have no family in town). And in reality, we WERE right; technology had failed us.

My annoyance is not that there was an apparent problem, but that the girl merely checked to make sure she had the correct chart before announcing that the referral was not in place. That would mean, from my observation, she did NOT have to read and check things, she KNEW with a glance, and allowed us to drive 3 hours in! We have been dealing with medical issues in Dallas for over a year now, and we HAVE had calls to make sure we did not drive in unnecessarily. I understand that insurance is our responsibility, but the "I told you last time" attitude is just not acceptable. I admit, we have been spoiled by being at Baylor this past year, and such an attitude is foreign to us! Baylor has set the bar high!

We talked about this experience and the sober (i.e., un-smiling) environment with my oncologist's office. I asked if we should stay with the expert, or go somewhere where I had a better rapport and confidence in the office staff. Their reply: Stay with the expert and talk to the doctor about it. Afterall, this is the doctor's livelihood, and she needs to know if and why she might lose a patient. Fair enough.

So, what happens? The doctor was apparently extremely busy, walked in, asked how I was doing, and no...and I mean NO window was open to voice my rehearsed speech. In fact, she was in such a hurry that when she decided to spray some nitro- on my hands, she did so without any warning that it would burn like the dickens! Mark did get in a question about the availability of the cutting edge technology in her office (and it seems she is the only one who does have it), but there was not a rapport nor time to open a discussion.

So, folks, there you have it. We have cutting edge technology available to us...we are with the expert...but have seemingly little rapport with the staff or doctor to create the healing relationship. I strongly believe medicine is more than drugs and technology. There IS a healing dynamic between doctor and patient. My husband...as probably most men...would have me stay with the treatment and get over the lack of relationship. I, however, am frustrated and not really satisfied.

And that, is my dilemma!

Did I Really Mean That?

At the risk of sounding...well, pious, I was reflecting this morning on a short conversational prayer I had a few weeks back. I was thinking about how God seems to have used me most when I am sick. You see, one of the first times I really felt like God used my life in general was when I was in labor with my oldest. I had suggested to my husband that we bring some praise CD's and he played them as we were working through contractions and pushing. The nurse commented that she needed to hear those songs. Later, I found out that she was the wife of a friend's friend and there were some huge marital problems. The second most profound time, of course, has been this past year. My joke is that God uses me best when I am basically incoherent!

At any rate, now that I am better--cancer free--a few weeks ago I was feeling unsure how things would play out. Could God still use me? How? I remember saying/thinking...I would be willing to go through something else if that is how I would best stay close to Him and be of use.

So this week, I am thinking--Did I really mean that? I am typing this with fingers that feel the size of sausages. They are totally numb with painful tingles, though I guess if I can feel sharp needles they aren't totally numb, are they? My shoulder hurts, I had an hour of back spasms the other day...and I am not sure how this will play out medically. For now, I have two splints to wear that help, as well as pending appointments with a neurologist (to assess the sensory issues in my hands) and with Physical Therapy. (By the way, the doctor is thinking it IS Carpel Tunnel, we just need to evaluate first.)

I guess God took me seriously, and I remember having a very sincere heart as I breathed that prayer to Him. So, I trust that this is a reminder that God has not stopped in the process of making me holy. I trust it is also a means of continuing to make me useful to others.

Even as I say that, I want to be careful about what I am implying about God. I don't claim to have all (or any) of the answers. I don't think He is mean, after all, I did offer, here! And I do think that He could have could just enabled me to have profound personal discipline...but I am not the most cooperative student in that way. I think, whether it is simplistic or not, that God is able to work within the fallen-ness and frailty of our world, and bring good--both to me and others. That is what I want to be a part of--to be part of the big picture in a significant way. And, actually, there you have it--that is about ME, not Him...though it is about Him in a round about way. Oh brother! See why I get excited to see that He has been able to use me at all?

Anyway, I guess the reason I am blogging about this is that I felt that I momentarily forgot that He is at work to make me holy. I have been hurting, and that makes me tired...and a tad grumpy. I think I need to jump back into the game--sausage fingers and all--and allow God to use this in my life. After all, I did say I would, and as I write this, I realize I think I meant it. After all, sausage fingers aren't terminal, and I shouldn't have to pull out my wig. So...Lord...let's get to work!

Carpel Tunnel, Anyone?

...just wondering, because I think I have it. For several years now, I have had my fingers fall asleep while grasping things...forks at dinner time, or while typing, for example. But the other night, I woke with a burning sensation in my hand...it felt on fire! That morning, my hand was extremely week, and I could not curl my fingers into a fist. This morning, no burning, but had pain that went into my forearm. As I type...number finger tips. Primarily, the pain is in my right hand, but as I called the doctor, I realized my left hand went to sleep as I held the phone. I don't mind the falling asleep--I can shake that out and it wakes up, but the pain is pretty bad and new.

So...I have an appoint with my GP...he is out until Thursday unless I get in with one of the other doctors in the practice, but they don't really like to work that way.

Carpel tunnel, anyone?

Results from Follow-up appointment

Our trip to Dallas was a good one! Though I didn't see Dr. O'Shaughnessy herself, I saw her assistant, Freda, and I love Freda too. Very thorough--not a stone left unturned with Freda, and a hug for me and my girl to boot! ( I think she would have hugged Ellabeth, too, but she had fallen asleep!)

I did have some low numbers in my lab work, but being post surgery, she was not concerned. They also had me do a chest x-ray, which was clear. My incisions and my fat necrosis are all healing nicely. There are some complications from chemotherapy and surgery which are personal in nature, and suffice it to say that we got some help for those things. Also, we had a strong recommendation regarding dermatology issues (stay with the expert!), and validation for the nodule removal on my thyroid. Sound like a long appointment? It was! I felt both a little guilty for taking so much time AND so grateful that the time was gladly and willingly given!

We also had a great time with the girls. We went to a water park geared from smaller ones in Rowlett, and then to the Gallaria in Dallas. While there, Annaleigh agreed to try our feet on ice at the ice rink. I have NEVER been on ice skates in my life, but it always has looked fun.

One thing about my daughter...once she had the skates on she was so scared she was MAD, but eventually did scoot around a little. I am so proud of her for that quality! One thing about trying...probably shouldn't test abdominal incisions 2 months out of surgery, but that didn't cross my mind until I was out there wobbling around! I didn't fall though, and I did glide just enough to let my imagination fill in the gaps about what it must be like to really skate! All in all, Annaleigh and I were proud of each other and ourselves for trying. I like that part of being post-cancer: trying things and not just wondering what they are like!

Mark and Ellabeth had a fun time, too...Ellabeth especially at the water park, though it was a bit cold. Mark said he had a good time, but I think he deserves a weekend without daddy-duty, since his highlight was catching Return of the Jedi as he packed up and I watched the girls outside at the hotel play area. Perhaps this weekend!

All in all, thanks God, for the blessings!