Ten Steps to Peace and Quiet

Yesterday I unwittlingly found the secret to getting some peace and quiet with my pre-schoolers. The formula goes as follows:

1. Sweetly ask your husband to go pick up the kids from their Mom's Day Out program due to being "chilled to the bone" and needing a hot bath.

2. Lock all doors to the house, so as to feel safe and secure.

3. Close doors to the bedroom and the bath, to keep out all draft sources.

4. Indulge in said bath with book and whatever treats make you happy.

5. Firmly push away all thoughts niggling at the back of your mind about why your family is not home yet.

6. Enjoy the realization that there are not two (or whatever your number might be) little ones bursting into the bathroom to tell you about "school" and bringing your luxury to an end.

7. Thus cocooned, soak and indulge until done.

8. Get dressed, complete facial routine.

9. THEN discover that you LOCKED husband and children OUT of the house!

10. Sincerely apologize, and smile at the memory of peace and quiet.

I Gave Away My Hats

The title says it all. I had a call from a friend in our Bible Class and one of her friends has breast cancer. Her friend will be losing her hair in the next couple of weeks, and needed some hats.

I am so happy to pass them on. I kept a couple that were my favorites, but was able to pass on a bagful. It seemed rather like a milestone to pass them on...to not need them anymore. It is another sign of healing and God's faithfulness.

Dear God, please bless those hats. Please bless and heal the one that wears them. Give her courage for her journey; provide hope, provide reasons to laugh; develop inner joy. Please sustain her as the medicine does it work. Please hold her family and children and husband in your strong arms. Please provide for them financially as they take on this expensive task. Please bring them out of this stronger as individuals, more united as a family, and healthier, wiser, and closer to You. Amen.

DIEP Consult

Our consult with Dr. Duffy, the plastic surgeon who does the DIEP procedure for breast reconstruction, went very well.

I appreciated that our appointment started out in a conference room designed for talking, and nary an exam table in sight. I smiled when I spotted the Andes Mints on the end table. I had two. Then, after the nurse completed her paperwork, she offered us a cold drink, and they had Diet Coke. At this point, I am a very happy camper! DC and chocolate mints, hard to beat! Later on, during the actual exam, they had fabric robes, not paper! Have I found my doctor, or what?! :-)

Dr. Duffy was....what is the word? For all the chocolate and hospitality, I did not feel "schmoozed". I think he is obviously very intellegent and skilled, but he wasn't arrogant. As we discussed my various doctors, he knew of them and spoke well of them. And, as we discussed my options for reconstruction, he validated both the implants and the DIEP. As he said, he is not a "purist", but believes in educating his patients about what can be done, rather than making a sales-pitch for one or the other.

The result...a very good meeting. I am a candidate for the DIEP, and it seems that it is a situation where the immediate consequences are pretty hard--it is a tough surgery--but, in the long run, it might be the better choice. And, Dr. Duffy stated that we have not lost any ground with what we have done so far. In fact, he was extremely impressed by my other doctor's work and approach in my surgeries thus far.

The decision...well, we are giving it a little time. We want to make sure we know what insurance will do. We just want to be sure. However, I did run into a friend who worked for an oncologist for years. When I told her what we were considering, she said without hesitation that she would go for the alternative to implants. She said she has seen too many people over the years have problems. My oncologist is okay with me going with the DIEP, and it appears that we might have some extra help with the girls should we go that route. So, it appears circumstances are pointing that direction, but the verdict is still out.

I must confess that there are times that I have just considered, "Why not take the expanders out and quit here?" However, I remember how nice it was to start getting some shape back. And, I think there is some "normalcy" for the girls in having a Mom with breasts. They will already be asked if they live with their grandma (I get asked if they are my grand-daughters all the time). I would like to spare them the question of why their Mommy doesn't have a chest!

I must also confess...I am rather glad I didn't do much reading last year. Give me one consent form for my implant surgery, let me review the stats, and I am off and researching and finding...! It doesn't make me doubt last year's "choices to trust" one bit. I am hopeful though, that all this consideration and an "informed choice" will be a good one, too.

2007, The Year of Health!

This is at least our hope: that 2007 will be the year of health for us. We are letting that shape some of the decisions facing us thus far. For example, we have decided that my next surgery will be at the end of April or beginning of May. That will allow me to participate in the Relay for Life on April 20th, and also try to walk a half-marathon with a friend on April 1st. (Yes, it is really on April Fool's day...) My friend is trying to walk; my oncologist says WALK!, and this gives me/us something big to shoot for. I have no idea I can actually accomplish all 13.2 miles, but the trying should be fun (well, maybe). The training will be good, however, and it all points toward the year being about health and activity.

We are also trying hard to reduce the fat intake in the house. It is not easy, but we are working on it!

There is more to health than exercise and diet, of course. We want to be able to give back...to other breast cancer survivors, to our church, and to our family. We are trying to get Mark back to a healthy focus on his work and career. And, there is a balance and rhythm to achieve in our spiritual lives and family life, as well. Post cancer, it seems like this should be the goal...to simplify, be healthy, and be intentional and balanced. I hope we can keep that focus.

So, here's to a year of health! We wish and pray that for you, too!

Sunshine A-Shinin' Today

Today, the sun is shining! After yesterday's post, I feel it is worthy or reporting in on this. :-)

...When I was younger, I remember commenting to someone that I was glad for the weather, although I was sure that God didn't send it just for me. I cannont remember with whom I was speaking, but it must have been someone I really respected, because I still remember his comment. It was simply, "Well, you never know."

I love the encouragement in that. I love the reality that God is that huge and that personal. How many times has He moved mountains for me that I don't really know about? I know He did so through Jesus, and I don't really understand how huge that was. But I also love the idea that He loves me enough to still send the sunshine when I really need it. Will I ever really know when He has done it just for me? Probably not. Could it be that He sometimes or most times He will strengthen me until the sun shines again in its own good time? Probably so.

But for today, the sun is shining! Could it be God ready my blog? :-) Knows my heart? I believe so. Even though I just cleaned up butter that my littlest one spread on the counter and the carpet, I believe so. And, I am grateful.

PS: My littlest one is now under "house arrest." She has to stay in the same room with me the rest of the day...or at least the afternoon. And that is okay.

Things on My Heart

...as a parent and a new home owner...my advice is: carefully choose whether or not to put in a garden tub with the handles accessable to your little ones. Not only are we spending many moments chastising and shedding tears (the tears are almost ours, too, out of shear frustration), we are doing a LOT of laundry. You see, it is not only FUN to turn the water ON, but it is MORE FUN to throw things in. Several times a day.

...my sister-n-law, all the way from California was astute enough to observe that my girls always get sick with their daddy goes to conferences. Sigh. My husband, all the way from Seattle, was astute enough to observe that at least I would get lots of chances to sit back and relax as I rocked my "sickie". Translation: Brother and sister are right: I will get nothing done. Sigh.

...do you know that it has rained, iced, and snowed on a consistant basis since we moved into our new house? With white carpet? With a husband, two girls, and three dogs? Enough said. Thanks, Woolite!

...Even though I had my expanders put in back in September, I STILL find myself thinking, "This bra HURTS!" Then, I realize that I cannot take it off, it's my expanders. Ugh. Thus, my concern about implants.

...Perhaps it is the first of the year and the time for dreaming, but I am a little heart-sore that I am not contributing to my family financially after draining it last year. Then I realize that I have more upcoming surgery. An obstacle. I am blessed though, in that Mark's family is making sure we stay solvent. Also, I am blessed in that I was able to listen to a friend of mine and was inspired to hear her voice some of these same feelings...and I was challenged to consider what taking them seriously might look like.

...this is my first true "pity party" entry. At least I think it is. Will I survive breast cancer, chemotherapy and surgeries to only be defeated by parenting challenges, rain, and issues about finances and finding my place? If you are unfortunate enough to have read this, you might even find it deleted in a couple of days. But, for now, I am posting it. Pity party or not, rainy day blues or not, this is where my heart and head are today. I must close, though, as as reminder to myself: God is faithful, and did not bring me this far to drop me now!

Encouraging Experience~

My experience with my Abilene surgeon has been an extremely good one. He not only found my lump in the first place, but he got on the phone one time when I called and said that he and his office would be walking with me through my journey. He has done that, being dependable to return calls to me and answer questions as they arise.

Beyond that, he has listened to me. After my surgery, he said he wanted me to be on Tamoxafin. I questioned this and explained why (because both breasts were removed), and he agreed that it was not necessary. No need to be right, just listening and adjusting. I then got a little nervous that my input changed the course of action, and so I called my oncologist and talked with her nurse...who checked with that doctor....who thought Tamoxafin was appropriate with the info she had at the moment. I then took that conversation back to the office, and though my doctor was again ready to change as per my discussion, I then asked him to call my oncologist, with no nurse in the middle, and be 100% about this.

So....after phone tag between the two doctors, it was decided I do not have to do this medication. That is a good thing, because it has a list of side effects. Morese than that, though, my physician was willing to do the phone-tag on my behalf. I truly appreciate it.

All that is to say a couple of things, I guess. One, it paid-off for me to take part in the discussion about my health care. Asking questions and doing some phone calls and even making suggestions has spared me the Tamoxafin experience and my family the cost of the drug. Two, doctors are still out there who care and go the distance for their patients. Even at my last appointment with him, he offered to do whatever he could to help if my oncologist needed tests run or the like. How encouraging!!

Thumbs Up!

I had my six-week post-op check today, and my doctor gave me the thumbs up. I don't need to see him again for about a year. He does want me to a bone density check, but aside from that, we are back to an as-needed basis. God is good to be so faithful to bring healing. God made the body in an amazing way...that man can go in a cut things out and parts will heal back together. Our Creator God is Amazing.

They're on the list!

(Regarding my reconstructive surgery...)

Well, I found out today that there are two doctors in Dallas who ARE on "the list"--the all important insurance list.

One, Dr. Burns, is a plastic surgeon whom has worked with my current plastic surgeon. He would be able to do the traditional TRAM flap procedure, which would take some of my stomach muscle and funnel it up to my breast. Because we are doing both sides, other tissue might be used as well...i.e., from posterior sections.

Another doctor, Dr. Duffy, is also on the list. Dr. Duffy does a relatively new procedure referred to as DIEP. It goes underneath the stomach muscle to harvest tissue, thus eliminating a large portion of the complications of hernias associated with the TRAM.

So, at this point, I have the freedom to explore some options, which is a great thing for my personailty. (My affinity for options can drive my husband crazy, especially when it is a discussion about where to eat... For me, the answer must include where we COULD eat, as well as what sounds good. Poor guy.) Hopefully, in this instance, options will be a good thing.

My fear in all this is that I have some unhealthy need to continue the intensity of last year... But, I am not sure that is it. I think that the numbers of rupture...the probability of further surgery...the ongoing need to monitor the implant seems to just continue the medical saga. I am hoping that if we use tissue, the deal will be said and done, doing just the monitoring for the cancer. All the further appointments for the implant seem to just drag the situation along. Thus...the prayers for wisdom still are asked for!

Out of the mouth of babes....

"Out of the mouth of babes..."

Wednesday night at church, we saw our neighbors whom we haven't seen since before Christmas. Their little girl, age 5 looked at me, her mouth dropped open, and she looked at her dad and said something along the line of "Daddy, she has hair!!" We all validated her excitement. It was a sweet moment.

Following that, one of the teachers in the room told me of her son, who is in about 5th grade or so. Her parents our neighbors of ours also. "Hey Mom," he said, "You know Papa's neighbor...I saw her without her hat the other day. I forgot what she looked like with hair!"

Lastly, Annaleigh and I stopped at the store on the way home, despite the windy night it was. As I got her out of the car, she started laughing..."Mom, the wind is blowing your hair!" It has been a while for that simple pleasure, but I was surprised she noticed it.

I guess when kids start noticing, your hair really IS back!

Decisions and Options About Surgery

As I was reading over the consents from my plastic surgeon in preparation for my expander-implant exchange, I was rather disheartened about the rate of implant breakage. I knew the implants would only last about 10-15 years, maybe less, perhaps more. It caused me to ask some questions....Here is what I found out.

The numbers I was looking at were for implants made before 1988 (I think, though one study was written in 2000). The improved technology makes the breakage percentage less. Less, not zero, which is why I would be having check-ups very regularly (regular post-ops; 6 mo., 12, month, 24, 36, and 60 months.) The silicone gel is not known to be toxic, but if rupture would occur, it would create need for more surgery of some sort.

There IS still an option for me to have my breasts reconstructed from my own tissue. My plastic surgeon does not do that any more, but there is a surgeon at Baylor who does. It is contra-indicated for me, because we are needing to do both sides, and that is a lot of tissue. The procedure is painful, and could leave me prone to hernias. With all that said, I am still considering it pretty seriously. I am just wondering if it is a better long-run decision.

So....your prayers are appreciated as we decide which option to take!

How Would It Be Different

Sometimes I wonder how this past year would have been different for me had others not been praying for me. It is a scary thought...but one that challenges me to consider, "Do I REALLY believe in prayer....that it changes the outcome in some way?" I DO believe that, but I also wonder how the outcome was changed.

I think of my friend who often told me that I was in their girls' night-night prayers every night. I think of people who stopped me at church and said, "We are praying for you, DAILY." I think of others who would let us know that their prayers included us. I think of the prayers said over us/me by our Elders and by a godly Aunt.

As I type this, I shudder to think too much about what the past year would have been like without the prayers of others. I have felt sustained...not tossed around. I have felt loved, not alone. I think I have grown in my faith, not despaired. To think of a year of aloneness, despair, and "being tossed about like on waves" seems really dark. I am so grateful it was not that way.

I had a professor in college who said one time that when we prayed, things changed in heaven. Once a prayer was uttered, something was different. That has always been inspiring and comforting to me. I cannot offer a lot of explanations here....but I do offer my thanks, my gratitude, and my belief that this past year WAS different than it could have been because of the prayers of three little girls...of friends...of older, godly couples...of family. I hope that someday, in heaven, when it won't be scary to know the answer, I will find out just how different my path was than it could of been.

My Next Surgery

My next surgery will be happening sometime in February. It was supposed to happen in March. It is not a big deal, really, it will be a 2 hour out-patient scenario in which my plastic surgeon will take the next step in my reconstruction by removing my expanders and putting in the "permanent" implants. (They are permanent for 10-15 years, thus the quotation marks.)

It was originally scheduled for March, but then the doctor's office called me, and it seems the implant company had a flub-up with paperwork. The product itself is fine, but the FDA is insisting the company stop production on that particular implant until the paperwork is filed appropriately. Makes me a little nervous? Yes, but they insist the product is fine. Because I am doing a complete reconstruction (as opposed to an enhancement), this particular implant is suggested for me. So, Mark and I decided to go ahead.

Perhaps it because of the flu, or the stress of our move, or the stress of selling our old house, but moving the date closer makes me want to cry. March seemed so comfortable and so far away. I had a little breathing room. February, not so much. And, though it is outpatient, I will come home with drains in.

On a happier note, my sister-n-law just had her expander-implant exchange, and for the first time in my recollection, she had no major setbacks from the anasthesia!! God is good! (She also said it is pretty painful. Rats.)

However, God IS Good. This will be fine. We will get to catch our breath sooner or later. Perhaps this is the endurance phase for us, and we will come out strengthened. Lord, please be faithful to that end, and all the other wonderful, "more than can be imagined" ends that You can offer. Amen.

Flu Shot Blues

Well, it would seem that the flu shot gave me the flu. Starting Saturday evening I noticed I wasn't feeling so great, and I spent Sunday on the couch with a very sore throat and mild fever. Still have the sore throat today, but am feeling a bit rested after being a couch potato all day yesterday. I was so sorry I missed church though. They had some special activities prior to worship, and it would have been a special time.

A Little Milestone

Yesterday was a little milestone for me: my first hairCUT since I had the buzz cut back in June. No one is going to be asking for referrals to my stylist for a while, but it feels good to me! It is a small thing, but again a thing of wonder: God has created our bodies in such a way that we can kill off hair, and it will grow back again. Seeing as how He designed us that way, I wonder if this is a small thing to Him? Or, is He smiling, glad His creation has been restored? Assuming that's the case, I will smile with him.

Yesterday I also had some unexpected bleeding from my hysterectomy. So, from the beauty salon to the doctor's office. Poor Mark, it's all in a day's work...while, um....he is NOT at work. Poor guy. He did work from home for a while last night, but I will be glad for him when he gets back to being surprised to stay home.

My bleeding was just my surgery incision throwing a clot off, so it is no big deal. But, my thanks to my GP, who DOES work on Friday afternoon, and was willing to examine me even though he did not do the surgery. He even threw in some blood work to check my levels and a flu shot to boot.

Here's hoping we all will strive to be smiling with God...seeing things how HE does... this new year.