Testing, Testing

Just as an FYI, this Friday morning, I will have a brain MRI and a liver scan. I am bit nervous...about the confining nature of the MRI, and the outcome of the scans (my mother died of liver cancer.)

I will let you know the results.

Mission Accomplished

Yesterday, I accomplished my maltese pictures, and yes, I had a good time. The photographer was great, and my groomer indispensable. The puppies were tired out before we were done, but we got some good shots, I think. If you are interested in seeing them, let me know, and I will share the password to the online proofs.

Though this was about "fun", I also discovered it went deeper. In some ways, it was about overcoming. It was about keeping the upper hand about cancer and my baldness. Though I doubt my ability to word this well, let me just say that at times, I find myself glancing in the mirror and thinking, "hideous!" And, at other times, the thought runs through my head, "but, this isn't my fault. I haven't done anything wrong." I think it is interesting...I think back to the passage in Genesis, where Adam and Eve recognized they were naked, and hid. Me and my naked head...though it is not my fault, and not the result of my sin, sometimes those aforementioned thoughts still flash through my mind as if it were.

In that light, having my portrait done was a way to say, "This has happened to me, but it will not get the best of me...the baldness will not shame me...Jesus is still present, and my spirit and heart are okay. Though there may be evidence of a fallen world in my body, I have not fallen; Jesus is with me, and I will come out on the other side of this intact. The essence of who I am is changing for the better, and I am stronger than this situation...I am more than my baldness; more than my body."

The other point of yesterday is simple. I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget the richness, the people, the lessons, the blessings. I have been blessed IMMENSELY through this situation of breast cancer, and I want to remember. The pictures will tell part of the story, they will keep me reminded.

All of that is to say, though I am not sure I have said it well, "Mission Accomplished!" --on more than one level.

What I Plan for Fun

When I first found I had breast cancer, I read in several places that it is important to have fun, and schedule some small goals during treatment. Tomorrow, is my first "fun" goal. I am having my picture made (with wig, hats, and bald) with my three Maltese.

Since becoming a Mommy, I have put my three fur-friends much to the background, so I am looking forward to this (I have already done Mommy-daughter pictures). To make it more fun, the original idea was to dye the three pooches breast-cancer pink. My groomer, who is wonderful in more ways than one, had to burst by bubble about that. She says the dye really does not come out. Since she has been slaving away at our pets' coats for about 2 years now, I figured I ought to honor her denial with grace, which I did. To compensate, she is going to find a big pink bow for our little female, paint her toenails pink, and accompany me to the sitting. In the meantime, I have gathered various props...pink flower petals, bandana's, make-shift pink bow-ties for the boys. And, when I spoke with my photographer, she--who is also a breast cancer survivor--got on board with the fun, and offered to change the puppies pink digitally. Who knows the final outcome of the day, but I think we will have a fun time.

The second fun goal is attending a family reunion in the Denton area. With God's grace, my sister-n-law will be there, along with lots of little cousins for the girls. It will be an off week for my treatment, so I should be in good shape. Fun stuff. Thanks, Lord, for Your creation of humor and fun!

Not On My Own

I have had several people ask about how this past weekend has gone. On the fourth day of my anti-nausea regime, Mark had to go out of town. I was rather nervous, and for the sake of the safety of the girls, I was very open in asking for assistance. Everything went well. In fact, I felt really well this time, with only minor "ick" feelings. I do confess to going and laying down during the sermon on Sunday morning---I just bottomed-out. But, other than that, and now that I am past that, I am doing well.

I WAS really apprehensive about this time in which Mark was gone. But, as seems to be true to my experience thus far, I found that God provided above and beyond for my care. I had a friend come spend the day (x 2); another friend spend the night (x 2); two friends surprised me and came and cleaned my house; my mother-n-law called consistantly to check in; and today, yet another friend watched the girls while I ran to Walmart (so much easier minus 2!). I am amazed, and yet I am learning I should not be, as I watch God take care of my needs.

As I told my friends who surprised me with house cleaning, they--and this experience--gives me courage. It sounds odd, even to me, why someone cleaning my tub makes me feel like I can be brave about my journey, especially as I await the question and answer about further surgery. But, it does. To encourage...to enable courage? Yes. I didn't consult Webster, but in my book, it's true.

Resources

I want to share a few resources I have come across. Three have been given to me; one my Mother-in-law and I discovered the other weekend.

--The first is a book that was given to me on the day of my re-incisional biopsy and node biopsy: Jesus Calling, Enjoying Peace in His Presence, by Sarah Young, Integrity Publishers, 2004. This book is a collection of short, extremely readable thoughts shared from the author's journaling and meditation as she read scripture. Many days, this book has held a message I needed, just for that day. Scriptures are included at the end of each entry. I think it is just excellent!

--One day, the girls and I were sitting around the house when the doorbell rang. It was a delivery person with a wonderful gift from Mark's Aunt (I claim her, too!). Put together by an organization called Choose Hope Inc., the basket was one of several items such as clothing, jewelry, mugs, etc. Part of the proceeds go to cancer research. You can find them at www.choosehope.com

--Another gift from our Aunt is a book entitled Praying Through Cancer, Set Your Heart Free from Fear, a 90 day devotional for Women, by Susan Sorenson and Laura Geist, W Publishing Group, 2006. This book is exactly what the title says it is, and again, has held some timely messages for my day. (The key to the "90 days" is that this is the typical time frame of treatment.)

--Last but not least, when my mother-n-law and I were shopping on the square in downtown Denton, we came across some Cancer Care Cards. The one I loved was of an essentially bald little figure with the scripture, "The very hairs of your head are all numbered," Matthew 10:30. The irony of it made me laugh out loud, and anything that makes me laugh gets "two thumbs up!" They list the following website on the back of the cards: www.cancercarecards.com Again, a portion of the card sales goes to the fight against breast cancer.

These resources have all been a blessing to me. I hope they are to you, or to someone you are looking to bless, too.

Celebrating Halfway

I go for my fourth treatment tomorrow. It will be a fun day, with two friends who have been down this path. It will also be my last treatment of the Adriamyacin and Cytoxin recipe. Then, on to Taxol. Thanks to everyone who has prayed me through this first half of my treatment. It is hard to believe I am halfway done!

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I often find myself making the unnecessary observation to my husband that "cancer is expensive." At times, that is a bigger stresser than the illness itself. I am NOT soliciting funds, just stating facts. For example, each treatment cycle involves six different medicines to offset the chemotherapy. And, one of those medicines involves 3 pills that are a smidge over 30.00 a piece after insurance. (There are persons I know who have run into much more expensive medications, i.e., 1500.00 per pill, so that helps me not go too far into the pity party.) Along with the stress is a bit of guilt as well...it is my illness, afterall, that is costing my family so much.

The thing I find ironic about the financial pressure is that I have a very distinct memory of being in junior high English class and having the discussion about "what would you do if you found you had only 6 months to live?" (Why that was assigned to the English curriculum, I don't know!) At any rate, I remember the thoughts...traveling to see family; traveling to see the world, etc.

I would like to say that I have advanced in thought since 8th grade. And I have, to the extent that I certainly did not expect to travel to Europe when I found my lump (though I would make the sacrifice and go, should someone send me, haha.) On the other hand, that long ago discussion helped to form me. There are some decisions I have chosen to afford, like the Mother-Daughter pictures, because "afterall, this is cancer." But there are some things that I find myself sincerely wishing, and well...it will just have to wait. For example, I would love to see family, but they are at a minimum, 17 hours away.

So, thus, I am finding that 8th grade mentality does not factor in the facts of cancer: small windows of time in which one feels good enough to travel, and the fact that financial resources primarily go to medicine and doctor bills. It is a bit frustrating, feeling like I have to wait to apply the lessons I am now learning--i.e., the importance of family and spending time with them TODAY.

But, another lesson I guess is all about trust. So, I guess I will have to apply that too, and wait patiently to see family. And, maybe in time, Europe.

A Swingin' Good Time

This evening, Mark, the girls, and I went to the park. It was 89 degrees when we left at 9 pm, but there was a wonderful, steady breeze. Ellabeth and I primarily swung on the swings, and Annaleigh and Mark covered the rest of the park.

It was a beautiful evening, and I was thankful...for the moment, for the weather, and for my hat staying on! My pink hat--Annaleigh's favorite--did not fail me, even when the wind was rather strong!

This weekend we will have the privilige of seeing Mark's family. It is the first time I will see my mother-in-law since my surgeries, treatment, and hairloss. Though we might have an emotional moment or two, I think the girls will keep it all light-hearted and fun. I am looking forward to seeing her!

My energy and stomach are both fine for the trip, too. That is a blessing! I seem to be having some relatively minor symptoms of the chemotherapy, but this has been a great evening...I will blog about those another time.

Thanks, Lord, for parks, little girls, husbands, swings, breezy summer evenings, sunsets, and the realization that "this moment" is a wonderful gift!

Laughing at Myself

It finally happened. I forgot I was bald.

This morning had been a long morning. I had taken Annaleigh to her first ballet class (too cute!), then we went to pick up Mark at the library, then we went to the grocery store. Being the first morning at dance class, I felt most comfortable in my wig, and by the time I got home, I was ready to have it OFF.

Off was great! I sat down at the computer with my lunch and uploaded (or did I download? I am not computer savvy.) pictures of ballet class to send to Grandma. Pretty soon, Ellabeth's ECI worker came, and we invited her in. I continued to work on brightening and cropping pictures of our up-and-coming ballet star, when all the sudden I realized: I was sitting there, bald as a doorknob! That was the phrase I used as I burst out laughing and ran and put on a turban.

I knew this would happen sooner or later. Guess it happened sooner! At least I didn't discover it in the middle of the grocery store!

To our ECI worker's credit, she laughed with us, then very seriously told me before she left that she never wanted me to feel like I HAD to do that ever again.

I appreciate her attitude, and I especially appreciate finding that I got a good laugh at myself. Perhaps I should be mortified, but why bother, when I can have a good chuckle?

Saying the word

One thing I have struggled with is saying the word "cancer" to Annaleigh. I am not sure why. It would really be no different than identifying a cup as red, or the sky as blue. But, for some reason, I guess for the power and the fear inherent in the diagnosis, I have had a hard time calling my "boo-boo" cancer.

I was talking to a friend about this, and she suggested that it would probably be good for Annaleigh to hear the word cancer. It would take the power away from it, putting it more on the emotional level of a cold. And, so I did.

We were on the way to get my bloodwork done, and she asked about why I had to go to the doctor (to paraphrase). So, I told her. I explained that we get lots of boo-boo's that heal by themselves. That is the way Jesus made our bodies. It's wonderful! But, my boo-boo is called cancer, and the doctor was able to take all of the boo-boo out of my my breast, and that is great! But, I have to still take medicine so it won't come back. And we have also asked Jesus to help the medicine work. Thus, I explained my cancer, using the word, and the world did not end, and she did not seem the least bit traumatized.

Cancer is still a scary word. But, I am grateful for my current status...for the medical expertise that is defeating it, and for Jesus who is also defeating it in the short term and the long run. It is good to not have to be afraid.

Learning of Jesus Love

Before talking about me...

---Please pray for my brother's wife and her family. She lost both of her parents in one day. Devastating.

---Please continue to pray for my sister-in-law. She has accomplished her first hurdle of completing all of her Adriamyacin-Cytoxin treatments. But, she was sicker than ever and I think it is fair to say, rather discouraged. She has some goals this summer...some fun family activities and a family reunion which we should be at together. Please pray for her strength, for her cancer to be defeated, and for the doctors to be able to help her through the rest of this journey.

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My third treatment is over. It went well...the anti-nausea drugs do the trick in my case. I don't remember much about it--I am not sure if it is the drugs or the phrase "Chemo-brain" that I recently read--but a lot of the past week is a blur. I go again on the 20th, which will accomplish my last AC treatment, then I will switch to Taxol.

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I am utterly struck these last few days about how I am seeing Jesus in people who are helping me and my family. Transportation to Dallas, care and concern, meals, cards... It is profound and I admit I don't have my mind around it yet. The sweet woman who committed to taking me for my treatments: they are even planning their summer travel around my schedule. Amazing.

I have always been taught that we learn of God's love through the love of people around us. That is our calling...to be Jesus to those around us. I am finding that I am on the learning end of this right now...and to repeat myself, it is profound. The embrace the concept that every act of love is a demonstration of God's love for me...well...it is mind boggling.

I hope I am found trustworthy in passing the lesson on to others.

Third Treatment Tomorrow

Wednesday is my third treatment of the Adriamyacin and Cytoxin recipe. I have four total of the AC, then I will change to Taxol and have four treatments with that drug. It feels great to be able to say that I am almost half done!

I am feeling really good going into tomorrow. My lab work was great, my energy level is good, and I talked with one of the nurses who said it would be fine to delay my morning medication until lunchtime, since my treatment is not until the afternoon. That gives me all morning to feel good, not loopy, as well as being able to take the pill with a good meal rather than on the road. Very encouraging.

I also have less dread and more courage (at least at this exact moment) about receiving the treatment. I could expound on that, but I think the bottom line is that people have been praying for me/us and the Lord is answering. Thank you.

One of the things I did in preperation for this upcoming recovery period is to order the Focus on the Family audio theatre version of At Home in Mitford. It is performed by a London theatre group, if I understood correctly. I am looking forward to being able to rest and listen to this favorite story of mine! I am trusting it will arrive in due time.

I will share in an upcoming blog about a couple of my favorite books...some related to my cancer journey and others not. But for now, I must go prepare for leaving bright and early tomorrow morning.

God's blessing on you. May you seek Him to draw near to you in your day, and may you perceive Him when He does.

Made a Believer Out of Him!

For all of my blogger and "live" complaints about my hair stubble being painful, I have elicited the stereotypical, manly nods and grunts of acknowledgement from my husband, Mark.

Today he kissed the top of my head. It was a sweet moment until he said, "OUCH! That hurt!" He then accused my head of being a lethal weapon -- I will let you conjure up your own images :-), and went to check if he was bleeding. (He wasn't).

Being the sympathetic wife, I said, "Told ya!"

Wonder if I am the only woman to find her wig is a source of protection from her family getting "lip-burn"?

Blessed by My Sweet Girls

Thanks to everyone for their prayers and cards...we are blessed and strengthened by you.

I am getting more comfortable with my bald head. I am able to go about the house with head uncovered, and forget about it. I have gone to a couple of places in just hats. In fact, today I went to the bank in a hat. They needed a picture ID, and I found myself making a smiling reference to my old self with hair. It led to a neat conversation in which the lady helping me shared her personal family history with breast cancer, and how she is always on the watch. I encouraged to not jump immediately to fear if it ever occurs.

I am also blessed by my sweet daughters. Today (and yesterday, and the day before, smile), she asked me to lay down with her at nap time. I realized that she was not the least bit bothered by a bald headed Mommy being snuggled up with her in her bed. What a blessing. She does not see my hairless estate, just me. I am not sure Ellabeth has even noticed. To her, I am just Mommy. I am truly blessed by my sweet girls!

I also have to say that I am anxious to be just a little more bald than I am. I had my head shaved, and the remaining stubble hurts! My hat--and my hair--is off to our service men who sport the buzz cut and serve our country.