Genetic Testing Results

This afternoon I received a call from Baylor Medical. It was Becky, my genetic testing counselor. They got my test results back, and I DO carry the BRCA2 gene mutation at the 15th letter. (DNA can be expressed in rows of letters, and my 15th one is out of whack, to put it in technical terms.)

I will see my oncologist this coming Tuesday, but Becky prepared me for Dr. O'Shaughnessy to make a strong push for the double masectomy and removal of the ovaries. Mark and I have done a lot of thinking about this, and it is not too troubling at this point. If anything, it feels safe. A little painful, maybe, but safe.

To share some numbers, Becky said that my test results indicate a 64% chance of a new breast cancer developing after this current one is healed. Chance of ovarian cancer is established to be at 27%. With the surgery...much lower.

I will be asking more questions and hearing more information on Tuesday. I know I will have more to say about this. But, for now, I think Mark and I are just grateful for the science and expertise God has granted...and I was very blessed by Becky's sweet and caring spirit. Just wanted to let you know.

The Eyes Have It!

Sorry for the pun...but here is the scoop on the hemmorhage in my eye:

Bottom line, all is well. Apparently, we all have jelly-like substance in our eyes, which is attached in at least three different places. As a part of normal aging, this jelly will sometimes disconnect. It is NOT a detached retina, just detached jelly (did the Doctor dummy this down for me, or what?) When the disconnect occurred, it bled some.

In God's amazing design, the doctor said this is actually a good thing. The disconnecting has prevented a tear, and also prevents diabetes and other unwanted problems from growing there (not sure exactly what that means, but it is what I heard him say.)

So, there is no problem, really. If and when it might ever cause me to see floaters to the extent it is problematic, he can laser it. Now lasering might be a problem for ME, but I will wait until I have to deal it. At this point, he will re-check it in 4 weeks. Thanks, God, for something very easy!

External Blessings

I have recently been thinking about how the blessing of cancer taps into one of my weak points, making me a better person. My weakness is this: I am not a "type A" person; rather, I am relaxed, easy-going, and a follower. While I love having those traits a lot of the time, it can sometimes be a problem in that I tend to need and rely on external, as opposed to internal structures to motivate me.

For example, I love to write, but what prompted this blog? Cancer. I have had several people remark that I should turn this blog into a book, but my reaction: "Great idea, but would you show me how?" There are other dreams I might have, but I always wish for a mentor...someone to show me the way, to give me the confidence and cheerleading to pursue it.

In that light, cancer has been the blessing of becoming an external structure for me. It has, as stated, pushed me to write. It has facilitated thought...about life, heaven, meaning and significance. It has helped to create relationships; it has humbled me to accept help and made me realize I need to have people in our home and lives out of strength, not just weakness. It has promoted reading; I wish I could say I have put in some in-depth study, but I can't...but I have read more and, again, thought more. It has strengthened family relationships; it has prompted fun; it has sparked creativity. It has revealed beauty in other persons which I may have otherwise never seen. It has been a catalyst to understanding more about healthy habits; it has also taught me that no matter how many healthy habits one has, sometimes our health is out of control. Thus, I have learned gratitude for the health I do have.

There is more, much more. But, I am grateful for this blessing of an unexpected external. I am also amused, because I realize the very "un-type-A-ness" which I sometimes see as a curse, is also what has allowed me to participate with the journey of cancer...to learn from it and accept the structure it has placed upon me. Hopefully that means that cancer is here to grow me as who I am, to push me a little further into type-A-ness, but not totally remake me.

One of my biggest fears is that I when the journey plateaus, I will do the same. I am hoping and trusting that God is planting this structure deeply in my soul, so that when the cancer journey is taken away, the ways in which I have been formed will stand!

Well, duh!

For whatever strange reason, for the last couple of weeks I keep feeling like "my hair is just a mess!" I've thought it after swimming lessons, upon getting up, and before leaving the house. Wonder which hair it is? :-)

They said it was unpredictable...

Before I started Taxol, they said it was unpredictable. They were right.

Friday (3 days ago), I had my second Taxol treatment. The first one went really well. The second one started out fine. I had a little nausea on the way to the car, but didn't even mention it to my friend, and the drive home was fine and I even ate supper. No problem. Saturday...attended birthday for friend's little girl. No problem. Sunday...attended church. No problem. Sunday afternoon: started getting cranky. Started having alternate bouts of sweating and being cold. Tired, took nap. Woke up, still cranky, still sweating, then cold. Monday morning: Woke up queasy, went to the bathroom, on the way back to bed, started seeing combination of white flashes, fell. If I truly passed out, it was only for a second, but I did have to figure out what part of the room I was in when I opened my eyes. The rest of the day, I slept, felt queasy when I got up, had one minor vomiting episode. Finally, about 9:30, I ate a little, took a pain pill for the joint pain (I was afraid I would lay awake hurting all night since I had slept all day, but I slept well). This morning: I am up, still having sweating episodes, and please don't talk to me about food...I am eating just a little, then I am done. Feeling well enough to sit and blog, but remember, this is my catharsis and I enjoy writing! I have a call into the nurse, just to touch base about the falling episode. I feel so badly for older people that fall...it was pretty traumatic.

Another call I am waiting for is from the eye doctor. Very long story made short: I had an unexpected visit to the eye doctor due to my glasses breaking, and he found a hemmorhage above my right optic nerve. He assumes it is from the chemo, but my oncologist is puzzled. She says one would expect bleeding only with low blood counts, and mine are rock solid.

Things I am grateful for: My husband and my husband's job. How would a single parent undergo treatment and care for her children? Mark was able to stay home yesterday, and entertained the girls all day. It was sweet listening to them play. They are going to think they have one, boring Mommy!

We got a call yesterday from Ellabeth's pediatrician's office, and her MRI (which was last Thursday--the day my glasses fell apart) came back normal! It is a wonderful thing to hear, especially when we heard the opposite 6 months ago.

There are lots of things and people I am grateful for, but the one I will mention here is my "back-up driver" and her husband who arranged their lives so that she could take me to treatment and he could stay with their kids--with a writing deadline, nonetheless. I had a great time with my friend...we talked about the amazing experience of watching our children grow; about pre-school ballet; and about various persons' faith stories and scriptures. I will share one of her scriptures in another blog.

About Trust

Okay...I was sitting here ready to blog, when Annaleigh dropped a package of crackers. I leaned over to pick it up because Wesley (our Maltese) was there, and I didn't want him to get them, and long story short, I fell off my chair. HA!! :-) Didn't I just write on about a bald woman bouncin'? Such grace.

Now. Reflections on trust.

Yesterday, at swimming lessons, the instructor was attempting to get Annaleigh to push off the steps and into her outstretched hands. The only way Annaleigh would consider this is if she was actually touching the teacher's fingers. Later, when she was practicing with me, she was willing to take the leap. She was so excited to show Teacher Jackie, who happily reflected: "You're learning to trust!"

Later that evening, Annaleigh was wanting to pick up Mikey, another one of our Maltese. She had already held him once, and I wanted Mikey to relax and not get stressed, because he can be a little unpredictable. Annaleigh's response to my refusal? "Mom, just trust me!" (How quickly they learn!) I tried to explain to her, while fighting back visions of teenage years to come, that I did trust HER. It was Mikey I did not trust and I did not want her to get bitten.

I appreciate the comparison of the these two situations. Like the first, we are often in situations, such as cancer, where our growth and progress will only be accomplished if we "push off", trusting that God's hands will catch us and support us. For Annaleigh, she was scared just standing on the stairs in the pool. To be asked to use her legs to push into water with no bottom (for her), was unthinkable.

It is rather like hearing one's lump is malignant. At that moment, we know we are in over our heads, and are being asked to move further into the depths that lay before us. It's scary. But if we allow fear to paralyze us, we'll never accomplish the growth inherent in the situation. As well, like Annaleigh, only we "push off the wall" and grasp our Instructor's hands, are we truly protected from the danger of the circumstances. When we are holding His hands is when we are most secure, and His feet do touch the bottom.

In contrast, I also appreciate the lesson in Annaleigh's mis-use of the idea of trust. The fact that she was ignoring and arguing with my warnings was annoying and tried my patience. Yet, I am guilty of the same---presuming that I am in charge of the consequences...that I am in control, when in fact, I could easily be bitten because I am ignoring either common sense or clear warnings.

When comparing both ideas of trust, I appreciate that cancer is not a "consequence" but an opportunity to trust. Even so, cancer does have a "bite." So does death. But even then, Jesus has provided in such a way that death itself is more of a "pushing off the side" into our Instructor's Hands, rather than a drowning. I am blessed in that my cancer situation has not "bitten" very hard. My experience has been one of getting several opportunities to see that if I don't let fear paralyze me, He is always there, whether through His word, or through His people, and most often both.

I know I will be just like Annaleigh, and face lots of choices in the future where I will need to carefully consider if I am "pushing the envelope" in the name of trust, or "pushing off in faith." It is not always clear. Fortunately, in God's grace, I think God is there in both situations, just like I would be for Annaleigh should she ever get hurt. I just hope that for both Annaleigh and myself, that there are more situations where we hear the words, "Great job--you're learning to trust!"

Bald Woman Bouncin'!!

If you would have been in the right place at the right time this past week, you would have seen this bald woman bouncing! It's true, and perhaps I should be embarressed, but it's been fun:

--the evening after my Taxol treatment, our Bible class had a family night at a Gymnastics Sport Center. Not only only did I get into the sponge pit and back out again--which, may I add, was the greater feat--I also bounced down the tramp ramp a couple times. It may not have been pretty, nor was it as impressive as the Mom who did the forward flip, but I was definitely bald woman bouncin'!

--the girls have had swimming lessons this week and last. I got into the pool with them (since it is a parent-child class and both girls are enrolled) and have been bouncing around with them. It has been fun, and especially gratifying to see Annaleigh be really afraid but try anyway.
--I am a little disappointed that I have not been able to shed my turban in the water. It would be so freeing! But there is just something about it and I can't get comfortable in that public setting. It started with making sure others were comfortable around me; now it is just my inability to take the plunge into visable baldness. However, the good news is, my terry turbans work great, stay on, and wash up easily.

--I attempted to climb up the slide at McDonald's playland to rescue Ellabeth. Couldn't quite make the final inches to reach her, but fortunately my defeat was hidden inside the tubes (only to be displayed to all here :-) ). Gave me a good laugh, and we did get her down.

--Last night, while the girls played after swimming lessons, Mark and I played volleyball. We are definitely not ready to join any leagues, but we had the gift of some fun, good husband-wife time, and it felt good to be active.

All this is to say...what? One, this gives you an indication of how I am doing on the Taxol. I might have done some of it on the AC, but not enjoyed it as much. Two, this gives you some idea as to why the blogging absence. Three, to indulge myself in smiling again. Afterall, I WAS a bald woman bouncin'!

About Taxol//Permission Granted

I took my first treatment of Taxol on Friday, and today is Tuesday. All in all, Mark and I give it "mixed reviews." Overall, it has been easy, but not symptom-free. Though I am on *NO medications to counter the side-effects, I am having side effects. (*When I say I am on no meds, it is not because the doctor did not offer me some. What happened is that the symptoms kicked in when Mark was at work, and because the meds are supposed to make me sleepy, I chose not to take them.) The way Taxol is effecting/affecting (spelling help here!) me is: common bone and joint pain; an icky stomach (not nausea, but yucky--how's that for helpful communication? Don't you envy my doctors??); and fatigue. The doctor said the Taxol should make me less tired than the AC, but it seems to Mark and I that I am more tired with this drug. All in all, though, it is bearable, and I have only three treatments left. We can do this!

As long as I am speaking about drugs, I want to make an additional comment. Before I met with Dr. O'Shaughnessy, my oncologist, one of my friends who is a breast cancer survivor mentioned to me that she took an anti-depressant during her treatment. She discussed that she had been worried that perhaps she would not experience this journey as fully as the Lord intended her to if she took it (I thought that profound), but her husband reassured her it was okay. She then passed on permission to me. I am now passing on permission to you. For me, it has been helpful. It has helped alleviate some dizziness, and I am able to not be so obssessive about my concerns. Dr. O'Shaughnessy also validates it due to the way the chemo drugs seriously mess with hormones. So...for you, or for a loved one that might some day go through a cancer journey: If you think an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety drug might be helpful, talk to your doctor. But if it is helpful to hear, I say, "permission granted!"

All's Clear

Just a brief word to let you know that all of my scans came back clear. Apparently, I have a "normal variation" on the brain MRI, but as a friend commented, "as long as the word 'normal' is in front..."

Thanks, Lord, and praises to You!

Carisse, I will send you the website for the pictures, although the puppies have not been turned pink yet.