For My Girls...

The other night when I couldn't sleep, I started to think about things I hope the girls can learn from my health situation.

There are several things, but one of them is that I hope our experience helps them choose well when they marry. While I wish them all the giggles and tingles and romance in the world, there is a lot in marriage that has nothing to do with romance, and far fewer when it comes to cancer.

My husband has amazed me. He has cleaned out the tub when my hair fell out, seen me with no eyelashes, few eyebrows, and baldness, yet still calls me beautiful. He has sat through several surgeries and helped me come out of anasthesia--not a pretty sight. He has put his work to the side to attend doctor's appointments--and he loves his job. Work is not something he seeks to escape but instead fills him...he has sacrified a lot. He has never once looked at the checking account and blamed me. He has tended to the girls, and driven to the store when I craved something specific. He has "stripped drains" and changed bandages...definitely nothing romantic there!

Yet, all he has done and who he has been over the past 8 months IS romantic. He has proven his committment and love on a deeper level than most ever need to. I hope I have the presence of mind to tell the girls about who their father has been for our family. I hope it will raise the bar and give them wisdom when they make choices about their own mates.

Thanks, Honey, for who and what you have been for me and for the girls.

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Today: I still feel like I have a steel wire cinched too tightly around my chest, but I didn't feel like I had to take a pill until after lunch. I only took one, but feel a second is coming my way. Overall, though, I am better. Not too wise...I picked up Annaleigh so she could help start the washer. Dumb. Also, today: Annaleigh is sick. Ellabeth has had a runny nose, ear infection, and general crud, but has passed the torch to her big sister. So, it has been Annaleigh and me today at home. Nice to have her company, but a crummy reason to have it.

First Expansion/Second Follow-Up

One of the hard things about being a Mom is toast. To me, cold toast is just dry bread. Yuck. I know that one day soon, I can have all the toast I want, sigh. I want to have my babies AND eat my toast, too!

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Yesterday I met with Dr. Carpenter, my plastic surgeon. He took out my last two drains and said I am healing like a champion. I told him I am still have pain...that I feel like I have 2 steel plates smashed into my chest, and he said, "You do!" He also reminded me that I am not that far out from surgery, that the removal of the drains would help a lot, and that over time, it would get better. He urged me to not give up yet! Then, he started the expansion by injecting 120 cc's on each side. I am still hurting and having a burning sensation, but I can tell the removal of drains has helped. Encouraging!

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A couple we go to church with, and who are leaders in our small group at church took me to Dallas yesterday. It was a great day. We got there early and had breakfast, and they prayed over me before my doctor's appointment. Then they treated me to lunch at one of their favorite restraunts. I had a panini that was delicious, which was served with homemade chips. Yum!

I was also touched and bosltered up throughout the day as they shared some of their life story with me. She is a brain cancer survivor of 20 years, as well as a post-polio survivor. They understand the stresses...they have learned the lesson of taking joy in today and not borrowing worry from tomorrow.

So, yesterday was a gift to me in many ways. Today my pain is less, and the depression I was struggling with a couple days ago is beginning to fade. Thanks, Lord.

Breast Cancer Survivor Chokes on Cookie

Figures, doesn't it? :-) Mark finally let me out of the house today to join him at an ACU luncheon, and I must be rusty on eating and talking at the same time. Just as I was visiting with a lady about how the point of life is to PREPARE for eternal LIFE, not preserve this one, the cookie went down the wrong way. I was and am fine, no Heimlich manuevers required, but it was rather comical.

On a more serious note, the lady I was visiting with has a lot of credibility with me. Her daughter was involved in a van crash over a year ago, which claimed the life of one of the young boys at our church. The group was returning from a youth conference in the metroplex. Her daughter seriously broke her leg, and though she has recovered quite well, she still has some pain.

One of the things we talked about is how easily fear can creep in. For her, it can be releasing a family member to travel on the highway. For me, it is recurrance. It is easy to chit-chat about the realities and our belief about heaven; it is another thing to combat fear with that same faith. We both are determined to not live in fear, but it doesn't mean we each don't have to take a deep breath now and then. I so appreciated my short visit with her.

This afternoon, thoughh, I didn't have to combat fear...I had to combat boredom. I am in between books, and after a while, TV is only so interesting. On top of it, neither of the girls napped today. Finally, Annaleigh said, "I know, lets put on music. That's my favorite!" So, we put on a children's gospel CD, and she and Ellabeth danced away. It was the end of my boredom...watching Annaleigh interpret the music and implement her dance class moves, and watching Ellabeth do her best to imitate. I just wish the performance would have started BEFORE I made the desparation call to my husband. He answered just as I was threatening one of the girls with discipline if she kicked at her sister. "Hi honey," he says. I am so glad he can recognize our happy household. Sigh.

Things got better with the dancing, and then Mark did get home and loaded up the girls to go reclaim the house key he left the rental car key chain. (Yep, we have our car back and Saturn paid for half the expense of the repair since it was so close to warrenty.) Then, my sweet mother-n-law called to check on me from rainy Alaska...she and my father-n-law are cruising away up there, and having a rainy and cool, but good time. Shortly thereafter, a friend brought a meal.

Life could be much worse and dull, huh? At least I didn't make local headlines over the cookie incident!

Decisions, Decisions

I admit it: this mastectomy business has stolen some of my courage about my hysterectomy. Perhaps my doctor was right...perhaps spring is better.

However, my doctor's office called me today and we discussed dates. They can get me in on December 7th. I confessed my current "waffling". She understood. Mark and I are supposed to talk over the weekend, and let them know on Monday.

Decisions, decisions...with two drains in, nonetheless!

She Has Touched My Heart

A few weeks ago, I found myself especially blessed by an author:

During each of my chemotherapy treatments, I made a habit of treating myself to a book. During my last two infusions, I read a new-to-me author and enjoyed her a lot. The last one was a fun book about menopause, but it touched more than my funny bone. Chemotherapy induced menopause for me, and it seems my internal thermostat is never regulated for long. Although this is Christian comedy fiction, it was so helpful to me to read about the menopause experience and "normalize" my symptoms, especially my crankiness (as well as be inspired to hold my tongue in those less than glorious moments!)

So, I wrote the author and thanked her. And, she wrote back!

I have been honored and blessed by this lady. I anticipated, at most, a form-letter response, but she wrote me personally. She also offered to send me a couple books she thought I would enjoy. I was overwhelmed...how sweet!

But, she has gone beyond that. She has emailed me since...she took my name to her church and they have prayed for me at choir practice. She wrote the author of one of the books she is sending for an autographed bookplate. She has prayed for me, sent me scripture, and read this blog. I am humbled and amazed.

Because I have made a habit not to mention others' names on this blog for fear of embarressing them, I will stay true to that habit (but you can ask me in person :-)!
But I wanted to share this story...it is a great example of an unexpected blessing and expression of God's care for me. It is a great story of the body of Christ on a larger scale, yet ministering to each other, individually. And, I know I have said this repeatedly, but it has again made this journey a rich one. I am truly humbled. Not to be self-depreciating, but who am I that this person has let me into her heart and prayer life? No one special, but I am touched that she has.

Pathology Report

They ran pathology on the tissue they took during the mastectomy. It was all CLEAN! Praise God and Yippee!

Mastectomies: Ouch!

Whew! Even as I sit down to blog, I am still not real up to writing. This mastectomy has been harder than I anticipated. Even so, I am over the hump of the surgery itself: finished with the antibiotic, had a good check up with my surgeons who were pleased with how things are looking, down to 2 drains, and using Advil for pain relief. So, upward and onward!

I want to say a public thank you to our Bible Class! They have been fabulous in helping us out with meals, childcare, and house cleaning!

I also want to applaud all the night-time nurses out there. Mine was Tammy, and she was wonderful. I think it takes a special spirit to tend to patients at night with gentleness and attentiveness. I got up for the first time after surgery in the middle of the night, about 3 a.m....Tammy helped and made me feel like I had accomplished an impressive feat, rather than checking her watch with a raised eyebrow!

A "WE" Blessing

Sometimes I notice the "small" things...perhaps even to the extent that I might read more into something than was intended. Perhaps I did so in this situation, but I don't think so, as I have seen this person's heart several times.

But with that in mind, let me share that I was extremely blessed the other day by a friend who used the word, "we". As she and I talked about my upcoming surgeries, she commented that hopefully the mastectomy would not be so bad, but the hysterectomy....well...she knew several who had gone through it, and "we" would have to be careful to really plan for it well.

Such a small word, but I was very touched: "WE" would have to plan. I was not alone. She was joining with me as this part of the journey loomed ahead (just as she has joined in from the beginning.) My heart was touched--this is a person who knows how to come alongside others.

Just two little letters...what a big blessing of strength and courage they give.

Such a Sweet Idea!

One of the rich parts of my cancer journey has been to see the neat ideas others have about how to minister to others. For some, it is words. For some, it is sending cards or gifts. Others have called. Some have sent pictures encouraging my attempts in art. Our girls have been cared for. People have used their administrative and organizational skills to coordinate meals and housecleaning. Others have demonstrated their servant's hearts in being available for anything. There have been cooked meals and dogs taken care of.

You can see why my journey has been incredible, humbling, and a blessing despite the circumstance.

About a week ago, I was the recipient of three ladies' creative ministry idea. They called and arranged to bring a tea party to me and the girls. I had been in Bible Study with one of them, but the others I did not know as well. In fact, I had to ask their names, twice. (Can I claim chemo brain?) But, they knew of my cancer and upcoming surgery, and wanted to come. They have done this for several women, and I assume they work off of the prayer list at our church.

So, on a Friday afternoon, they arrived: picnic basket with china tea cups, cookies, sippy cups for the girls, napkins, hot water in a thermos, tea bags, and a pitcher of Kool-aide! We enjoyed it all, and it was such a blessing to have them around my table and get to know them better. And, my 4 year old, the socialite, enjoyed being front and center...and was so sad when they left.

I love their creativity, and the sweet Spirit they share, and I do mean the capital "S". That they are making themselves available to be used of the Lord to bless others is evident. Though I did not know them well, it was comfortable. Though I didn't quiz them, I suspect I am right when I say they have committed these tea parties to the Lord...for Him to use them to bless others. And He did.

What a challenge I am receiving as I receive the ministries each of you offer me. I hope to be an tool He can use, too. Thank you all for using the gifts the Lord gave you!

Outcome on Car

Well, it looks like the situation with the car is one in which I get to exercise my faith in God's provision. Rats. Yep...my 'druthers are for a quick and easy fix here. I am not big on physical exercise, and guess I am not huge on spiritual workouts either...though I am getting better about that!

As Ellabeth and I walked home (we had walked Annaleigh to speech therapy and then to campus) she started singing her Bible class song, "Deep and Wide." I had to smile. Yes, God's love and riches are deep and wide. He can do this. I cannot. Literally. But He can. His love and riches are vast...He can do immeasurably, beyond all we think or can imagine. I have seen it before, and I am certain we will see it again.

Thanks for the Mammogram!

My title is THE title of a book given to me by one of Mark's cousins. She was so sweet to help us with the girls while we met with the surgeon, and then went above and beyond in sharing this book with me.

By Laura Jensen Walker, "Thanks for the Mammogram" is a humourous reflection on the author's journey with breast cancer. She was diagnosed on her first anniversary, participated in experimental research that meant that she received very heavy doses of the chemotherapy and thus, was VERY sick, and her journey ended with her car being stolen out her driveway while she and her husband attended the very last appointment with the reconstrucive surgeon. With that ending, Laura says she could laugh or cry, and they chose laughter...it was just so absurd.

I enjoyed the book a lot. Laura is very inspiring and her attitude is great! And beyond that, I have to smile at the blessing of God's timing in letting me read this now. Because, yesterday, our car was stolen. JUST KIDDING! But, yesterday, our car did break down. Just three days before we have to drive to Dallas for surgery. Just a few days after I had a meltdown about the price of cancer and the state of the union in our checking account.

So...with God's provision in all things, He armed me with the book, with surprise encouragement (more later about that), and with safety as I was able to get the car (and the girls) within walking distance of campus (Mark's work). We will find out today whether the outcome will mean more stretching of my faith in God's financial provision, and if we will be renting a car to drive to Dallas!

During the whole escapade yesterday, I kept thinking about Laura's story. This is absurd...but I can laugh or cry, and I choose laughter! I choose gratitude (it could have happened miles away from campus, or worse yet, in Dallas.) I choose faith. God will provide.

Helpful words

Yesterday I was visiting with Annaleigh's dance teacher, telling her Annaleigh would be absent next week. As we talked, she shared that her Mom had had the same surgies I am facing, for the same reason. Another breast cancer survivor! I loved the way her Mother referred to the parts being removed: "it's all just a cancer factory; get rid of it!"

I appreciate the way those words are "fighting words". So far, I have been approaching all of this with an attitude of acceptance...of peace...believing it is the best and right choice for me. Yet I still felt a little passive...a little "accepting of what is going to happen to me" as opposed to this being another way to destroy the cancer. Not sure if that makes sense, but I hope it makes a little.

Perhaps the reason those words were helpful is that the flip side of the "prevention" word is the "re-occurrance" word. The R word has made me a little anxious. It seems a bit scarier than chemotherapy for sure. During chemo, I was under the care of a great oncologist, and it is "now". "Now" I under control and I believe all is well. The future holds the unknown and uncontrollable. It is a trust factor...it is applying the lessons I have learned thus far about God's presence, faithfulnes and victory. It is remembering that we are all terminal, and that each day is meant to live and live well, not waste.

Fear makes it easy to forget all of that, whereas "destroying a cancer factory" is an attitude of control, choice, and victory. Thanks God, and thanks Miss Laura, for those words.

Strange Timing

I was sitting on the couch last night with Mark and Annaleigh. Something caused me to rub my eye, and it just didn't feel right. I had to ask: "Are my eyelashes gone?" The answer from both was "Yes." Annaleigh was matter-of-fact; Mark was somewhat saddened. I accepted it with a sigh. They will grow back.

It is the strangest timing. Now that I am done with treatment, they fall out. I look the worst, but am in the best place. Go figure!

Follow-up and Pre-surgery discussion

I had my one month follow-up regarding the hemmorhage in my eye last Thursday, and my doctor said the blood had re-absorbed, and it looked fine. He will see me in one year! Yippee!

That same day, I saw my gyn here in town. He wanted to check my ovaries before my surgery, to make sure they did not need to come out at the same time as my mastectomy. He could only see one, but it looked fine. I am in good shape as far as that goes.

Regarding my hystorectomy, which we had discussed on the phone about doing in November...he said he was concerned my body would not be ready for it. I have a 4 year old, so I argued: "But I WANT to!" He explained my body has to be able to respond to infection. I said, "But I want to! I want to be done with all of this and enter 2007 with all the big stuff done.!" He said spring would be better. I said, "But my oncologist didn't seemed concerned." Like I said, I have learned from a 4 year old, haha!

We finally decided that we...he or I or both...would talk with my oncologist about surgery in November. He won't do it without her okay. That seems fair to me...even though I want to!

Surgery Date

I discuss this a couple of entries earlier, but I have my bi-lateral mastectomy on September 11, 2006. We are supposed to get to the hospital at 6 a.m., and from what I glimpsed on the nurse's computer screen (devious, aren't I??), I am on the schedule for 7:30. The surgery is allotted 5 1/2 hours (again, a little glimpse to the computer).

Amazingly, they anticipate me only being in the hospital one...ONE..night. I looked at my surgeon twice, and squeaked out, "ONE? Can't I have TWO?!" She said it was best for my recovery...persons do best who get up and moving, and who do not get infections. Hospitals are the worst place to be to for infections. "But I have a 2 and 4 year old!" She just smiled. My reconstruction surgeon said I might get a second night if I am still queasy. I am too honest to "fake it"...a second night would be no fun if I am feeling guilty. Guess it won't be too fun if I am still queasy, either. Sigh...

So, this week is the week of details, and the week of "lasts". I am okay...a bit saddened, a bit anxious...but still choosing to land at gratitude: for my doctors, for science and research and all of its advances, and for my husband, who is sticking by my side and still calling me beautiful. Bless him!

I am also grateful for friends with hugs, friends who call, and friends who are volunteering support and help and meals. I am grateful for family, who have helped and who will keep the girls at nighte during my surgery, and for Grandma Kaysha's best friend, who will keep the girls during the day.

While I am thinking about such things, let me say, "Kudos to my surgeon's office." While I was at my brother's, they called Mark. Dr. Knox's staff had noticed that I was going to be at Dr. Carpenter's office on the 24th, and would I like to take care of my pre-admit testing that day, thereby saving a trip to Dallas? How great is that? (Pretty great!!)

So...this week we prepare. Packing, filling prescriptions, readying the house. Probably lots of things I cannot think of right now. But, I am grateful...on the calender is also two days in which the girls will be in their Mom's Day Out class. That will be a huge help. Plus, this Thursday is Ladies Night Out from our Bible class at church, and on Friday (I hope), is a friend's vocal recital, and on Saturday, it looks like Mark and I will get to go out by ourselves. Lots to be thankful for amid the details! Thanks, God!

My Brother and I

I mentioned in the last entry that I got to go see my brother. I am so happy about that, because I had really wanted to do so, but did not think it would happen. He is 17 hours of driving time away, in Quincy, Illinois. There seemed no way to squeeze in that type of trip in between my treatments (which were two weeks apart). I truly believe someone prayed about that for me, because the odds of me coming across the 97.00 round trip fare are just too slim!

Annaleigh and I went from the 17th-22nd, and had a great time. My sister-in-law, who has always been a good friend, did a great job celebrating Annaleigh's birthday by getting little angel food cakes, buying her a couple of neat gifts, and taking her to a place called "Going Bonkers". It is a place exclusively for kids of all ages...mesh climbing tunnels, ladders, slides, bouncing areas, and a swing. I at first let Annaleigh go up by herself, and I think she was a bit lonely...she went to one area and bounced a while, then came back down. I decided it was time to take cancer-lessons in hand, and I donned my turban and went and played! We had a fantastic time, despite the bruised knees! One memory in particular is laughing with Annaleigh as we played with (and fell off) the swing. We both busted out laughing. It was special comradre!

The time with my brother was also very good. It was the first time I had gotten to talk to him since his cochlear implant, meaning that for the past several years, communication--in person, during our visits--had been mostly impaired. It was so neat to just be able to be heard by him! Great technology!

My brother and I also did 2 things: we took a 45 minute motorcylce ride to Hannibal, MO, which was just plain fun! It smelled good...country pastures and all...and felt great with the wind blowing through my...um...helmet. I actually decided being bald on the back of bike is the way to go...no little wisps of hair beating your eyeballs to death!

We also...my bald brother and I...got our twin pictures taken. I called the photographer the day before and told her what I was doing. She was right on board, totally not disturbed at the idea of photographing a bald woman and her brother! She got some great shots, with Annaleigh in some of them, and I hugged her when we left. The funny thing: when I got home, I realized that our package deal included a 10x13...that is a lot of bald!

I also got to see my niece and nephew. Kelsey we helped move to her dorm; Dane was home after his summer job. Both are great young people, and my nephew...who was a baby when I was in college...picked me up from the airport. It was great to see them and I am proud of who they are!

I am so grateful Annaleigh and I got to go. It felt right...to embrace family during this time.

I'm Back!!

If there is anyone reading this is at all, THANK YOU for still checking back in to see if I would ever post again! Since my last entry, I have had Annaleigh's 4th birthday party, flown to Illinois with Annaleigh to see my brother and his wife and kids, met with my surgeon, accomplished pre-op procedures, had my last treatment, finished our photo's for my cancer collage, had my follow-up exam by the retinal specialist, saw my gyn about my hystorectomy, and had Meet the Teachers night at the Mom's Day Out program both girls will start next week.

Now the debate...write about all this in one entry, or split it up? Here's a quick over-view:

About birthday parties...we rode horses and had birthday cake in the covered riding arena. We were blessed by comfortable weather and good friends, and the kids had a great time!

About Illinois... we flew, but only after going via 5 different roads and 1 plus hours of being lost. But, we made it to the airport that was only 10 minutes away from our hotel with a luxurious 30 minutes to get checked in and to the plane! Finding I-35 is EVERYTHING when it comes to finding Dallas Love Field! Like the commercial, though...plane tickets: great deal; hotel room the night before: reasonable; having your little girl hold your hand as you run through the airport and then look up at you and say, "Mommy, you're my best friend": PRICELESS!

About my surgeon: He is my reconstruction doctor and his name is Dr. Carpenter. His name makes me chuckle. (Had I had radiation, my doctor would have been Dr. Au, as in ow!) Dr. Carpenter reports that the current quality of expanders and implants are so good, they are in my best interest. So, no moving tissue from one part of my body to the other to create new breasts. Thus, much shorter surgery, less pain and less chance of infection. The downside: no tummy tuck. Rats!

Last treatment: It was on the August 25th, and true to my nature, I took pictures. I had my picture taken with Dr. O'Shaughnessy, and with the girls in the infusion chair. I look pretty wiped out, but was grateful to have them with me for that last, special day.

My surgery: On September 11, 2006, I will have my mastectomy. (The "twin towers" will be falling!) Dr. Knox, who did my re-incisional and node biopsy will remove my breasts; Dr. Carpenter will build them back up again.

So, that is the short version...I will go into details in other posts.