Pet Blessings

One of blessings in my cancer journey has been my pets. We have three Maltese: Mikey, Wesley, and Angel. Yes, at times they have been extra work, but we have an excellent groomer who has become a friend, and she has kept them when the going has gotten rough.

As crazy as it sounds, I think Mikey knew my lump was malignant when I came home from my very first lumpectomy. I could see it in his eyes. Before you discount it, let me share that in a breast cancer research magazine, there was a report that dogs are sniffing out cancer with accuracies of 88-99%. So, perhaps something smelled amiss, and it translated to his eyes, but I hope I don't forget the look on his little face when we got home. It was true canine concern.

And, not to make light of my husband and girls, my puppies have been my favorite resting buddies. No squirming, snoring, or kicking. They hit the bed and are out for count until I am ready to get out. They are a warm snuggle and a breath of life beside me...fuzzy companionship! During my chemo, sometimes it was nice to just lay there quietly and stroke their fur, enjoying the silky texture.

Then there was the photo-shoot with my precious pooches. That just make me smile. Once I got better from my masectomy, a couple of them needed some medical attention. There was something healing in being able to care for them...in being on the caregiver end.

Related to my pets, but not about my pets directly, was a huge blessing that happened on the day we left for my surgery. Our groomer had come to pick up the dogs, and noted that our back gate was open. The mowers had been there the night before, and I guess it didn't get closed properly. We still had 2, but Mikey had decided to take himself for a walk.

And, walk he did. Around the corner--actually three corners--and across a major boulevard to campus. Without a word, my groomer and her husband took out looking as soon as we realized he was gone. They happened to catch just enough people to show them the way. Eventually, they caught up with him, and he bolted--into a drainage area of a new pond the university is building. Our groomer says she did her best "Steve Irwin" impression, and dove in after him. They both returned to our house, covered head to toe in mud. Literally.

While I am still a little miffed at my ungrateful, independent fur-kid, I am deeply touched by the picture of what my groomer-friend did. She sacrified her comfort, lost a shoe, and jumped into the grunge to save our puppy. I think it is a great example of what Jesus did when He came to earth to rescue us.

I cannot imagine how I would have felt leaving for surgery with Mikey missing, and am so grateful I did not have to. I am also so grateful that I don't have to figure out what to do with the mess of my life when I am pondering the life-questions that cancer bring. Jesus jumped into the picture, rescued me, and is taking me home. I am safe...muddy at times, but safe!

Bunco for Breast Cancer

Last week, I got to participate in a night of Bunco for Breast Cancer. A co-worker of Mark's invited me, and we had a great time. I even rolled 4 "buncos"!

About 8500.00 was raised that night, along with extra for free mammograms.

It was such a fun evening, and I appreciate being invited...and hearing the stories of the ladies who shared that evening...and the money being raised for research...and the care and concern interfaced with it all.

Thanks to everyone! You have help boost my spirits and my hope.

Locks of Love Night

I am so sorry to be lagging behind in blogland! Things are going well, so there is less time to sit and write.

An update on my time with the High School and Middle School girls when they met about Locks of Love. As we gathered and waited to begin, I got more and more nervous. I am a LONG way from being "high school cool"! In fact, even in high school, I wasn't even "high school cool"--I was just "me". But, that is a different discussion.

I told my story, and as I spoke, I took off my hat, and passed around a picture I had taken with my bald brother (our "twins" picture), and one I took with Annaleigh in that same sitting. I then thanked them, not only for the encouragement they already were to me, but as a parent, how I could imagine the gratitude the Mom's and Dad's would have for this gift they were considering giving.

Then I talked about the practicalities...that hats get knocked off, blown off and even hugged off. I passed around my synthetic wig and told how it moves when I itch my head, and how it came with instructions to not panic when I washed it, because it would look ruined. (Not so with real-hair wigs). I mentioned the costs we guestimate we have incured medically this one year, and how it is not hard to imagine that parents of childsren with long term illness could not afford the level of wigs Locks of Love provides.

I also shared my thoughts that hair is just how we are supposed to "be". It is how God intended us, and sometimes disease takes it away. By donating their hair, they were helping restore what God intended for these kids...and they also were helping to restore some things these kids lost when they lost their hair, such as courage and esteem. I mentioned, too, the relational barriers I thought they were helping to break down, so that both the kids and their friends could express/receive the gifts the kids have. I left them with the challenge of praying "big" for the kids who would receive their hair.

I am not sure how inspiring it all was, but I can say that the girls were attentive and polite throughout my time with them. I was impressed! And, I am choosing to trust God with the outcome of my efforts and words. They are an offering to Him to use. I hope He does...that would make ME feel good, but I am trying to get my eyes off myself and just let Him work and me cooperate.

A Small Part of God's Intention

I spent some time this morning looking at the Locks of Love website as part of my preparation for speaking with the girls at church on Wednesday night. On the site is a gallery of both the donors and recipients (with their permission). Two things struck me. 1) How young some of the donors are, and 2) How beautiful these kids are with their hair.

Some of the before and after pictures are really striking. Looking at them reminded me of some of my thoughts at the first of my cancer journey; mainly, that sickness and disease is not part of God's original design. He intended wholeness and health; he intended kids and people to have hair (I am not talking hair style choices here, though I admit I hope my girls don't go there).

At the same time, I know, believe, and am confident that God looks at our heart, not our hair. The spirit and character of these kids...my kids...MYSELF...is what matters. I believe scripture teaches that, and I am in a refresher course on the topic myself. Yet, there is something about bald kids that is just not right. Seeing their photos, both the starkness of their hair loss and the beauty of their new hair drove that home to me. Don't get me wrong, please! These kids are beautiful without their hair, too. But, seeing them with their new hair seems "right." Like it is "supposed to be". And, I think that is in part, not just our culture, but because God intended it that way.

I think I will start my talk with the girls at this point. God created us wth hair. Sometimes disease takes it away. By helping these kids restore their hair, they also help restore their spirit, courage and esteem that God also originally intended us to have. I hope I can help the girls see that their contribution of hair is not just for the sake of "vanity", but in some way, they are helping these kids experience life as God intended it.

If you want to take a look at the website yourself, it is www.locksoflove.org

Living in Response to the Truth

There are lots of directions one could go with this title. Perhaps this is less profound than a lot of them, but I may have stumbled onto something...

In thinking about, and talking with Annaleigh about her unwillingness to eat lunch with her friends at Mom's Day Out (also referred to as school), I posed two scenarios to her, based on what she has said to us. Do you think you don't want to eat because 1) It is too busy and you just don't enjoy it, or 2) You miss Mommy and are worried about being away because I have been sick? At that, she said she was worried about me and hugged me and patted my back.

This was what I told her, in turn: "Annaleigh, Jesus says that the truth will set us free. Mommy is not sick right now. I have been, but right now, I am not sick. So, I think that frees you to eat lunch with your friends...you can go and have fun and participate with your friends, because the truth is, right now, I am OK! We should live like that."

Yes, I know she is only 4. Yes, I really said that to her. Yes, it was probably more profound to me, than to her. And, yes, I should probably just tell her teacher, "If she doesn't want to eat, that is okay, but she must sit with the class."

But, like I said, I think I stumbled onto an important principle...it is time that we start processing the truth: right now, I am OK! I am cancer free! And, it is important to live life in response to that, not sadness of what has or hasn't been, or fear of what might be. Today, the truth is that I am fine, and we should live like it!

How I am Doing

I do apologize for this gap between posts, and now numerous thoughts. Life is getting back to normal, and thus back to busy. Thanks for still checking in!

After visiting with my plastic surgeon last week, and then visiting with a friend whose wife went through a double mastectomy, I have adjusted my expectations about healing time. That seems to be helping me to do better, even though the consensus seems to be 2-3 months before feeling really okay. When I heard that, I was able to stop waiting to feel like I wasn't hurting so much and decided to just go out and "do." I think for the most part that has been an aid in my healing, though sometimes at the end of the day I can be really sore and really tired.

I was supposed to go back to Baylor yesterday, but as Mark and I discussed our schedules and its demands, it seemed the better choice for my family to put it off until later. So, I canceled and will be going back on October 31st. The only thing that makes me a little nervous is the doctor's comment that scar tissue tends to build up when there is too much time in between expansions, thus making the expansion more painful...but...what to do? Sometimes, family just needs to come first!

______

Often times people ask about how the girls are doing. Thanks so much for that! I think they are doing okay. It seems that they rolled with the punches for the longest time, and now that we are edging out of the surgery, there have been a few bumps. For instance, I think that Annaleigh saw her school/Mom's Day Out as a great thing while I was post-surgery. Now that I am stronger, she is seeming to struggle with having to go, and while she is there she will not always participate and does not want to eat her lunch or snacks, because she wants to eat with mommy and daddy. Yet, her teachers are working with her beautifully, and she is participating more and being happy more often while there.

Along the same lines, Annaleigh heard someone on TV use the term "breast cancer". "You had breast cancer, Mommy." "Yes, honey, I did, but it is all gone now." (Yippee, I can say that!) I was a little surprised to hear her say that, but she is a bright little girl and I have tried to be open and honest, so I shouldn't have been. Like the situation at school, it makes me a little sad that she is having this experience, but I am determined to keep on finding the silver linings...like the fact that she will learn early on that life is to live...that we run TO God in trouble, not away...that we are to be God's hands and feet to those who hurt.

Come to think of it, if I, myself, can learn all of that, this experience will not have been wasted.

Three H's

Over the past several weeks at our church, a gentleman named Randy Harris has been speaking on Wednesday nights. Last week, in the context of "What in the World is God Doing", he addressed the times in which we don't understand how an all-powerful, loving God can allow really hard things to happen. Things such as cancer, Katrina, children's deaths.

I appreciated that he did not pretend to know the answers, yet did offer some helpful words:

Humility: As we see things happen, it is NOT our place to assume we understand or can presume to assign God's motives in allowing hard things to happen. It is misplaced arrogrance on our part to pretend to know what and why and how God is at work. There are times we cannot know, do not know, and do question "what in the world is God doing". Sometimes, there is just not an answer.

Hallowed-ness: Suffering is a sacred place. It is personal, intimate...it is a place where masks are stripped off and hearts and souls exposed. It is also a place where God is at work, and people are seeking answers. As others allow us into their worlds of suffering, we must recognize that we are stepping onto holy ground of the soul.

Hope: Though there are answers we don't have, we choose to believe what we understand to be true: that God is still in control...He is still working toward an end in which all that is evil will be finally and completely defeated, and that at some point, those who believe (not to be equated with those who never question or doubt) will experience the heaven He promises because Jesus' work on the cross was "enough".

Randy did a great job addressing this hard area, and likewise, did a great job tonight discussing how God uses ordinary people (again...what in the world is God doing?). And though I am really giving such a condensed version of what I understood him to say, the discussion was so relevant I wanted to note it here. Perhaps others might find it helpful as well.

That's "using my head!"

I am so excited, because today it became official: I will have the opportunity to share with some High school and Middle school girls at my church about my experience being bald.

The girls are participating in a program called Locks of Love. It is a service project in which they will grow their hair out for the next year and then cut it and donate it for wigs to be made for children with medically induced baldness. I thought it so neat and called the youth office to express my thanks. Then, I offered to come visit with the girls, just to thank them and share my bald estate with them, in hopes it would make what they are doing become more real and personal.

So, over the next week, I will be collecting my thoughts. I appreciate all prayers for that process, so that perhaps I can say something truly helpful. I am trusting the Lord will give me words and ideas to that end, and I am truly excited that I can use my baldness to help! I love it when I get to see the Lord use something hard to a good end!

If you are interested, you might want to check out the Locks of Love website: www.locksoflove.org (if not org, then try net. Sorry about that!)

The Nordstrom Experience

Well, I did it. I marched my non-Nordstrom-experienced self through their doors and discovered that in high-end departments stores, they have real-live musicians, not Musak playing over loudspeakers. I think the pianist might have even been wearing a tux, I am not sure. But, the music was impressive and beautiful. It almost intimidated me from going to the spa, but since they had my check card guarenteeing my spot, I wasn't going to skip it.

And I am glad I didn't. It was rather fun, being "high-end" for a day! The furniture was plush, the fixtures expensive, and the atmosphere calm and serene (they did have "canned" music piped in there.) The bed I layed on for the waxing was cushy and heated, and they served my friend water in a glass-glass. No styrofoam there!

I was also impressed with the girl who did my wax job. She was professional and made me feel very comfortable with my bald head and bearded chin! She worked for almost an hour getting my face cleaned up...which, by comparison...my regular hair stylist usually waxes me just prior to my hair cut, generally a 10-15 minute job!

I was also touched. As we chatted, the technician shared with me that she had had a friend who had had breast cancer, and that she is a volunteer with the breast cancer society. She has not been called upon, but she has offered to do skin care classes for breast cancer patients, and was disappointed that she did not have any information with her. Really sweet!

One thing I found "interesting" was that I had a sense of "been there/done that" when she pulled on the rubber gloves and turned on the bright light that shined on my face. It didn't ruin it for me, but I had to remind myself that this was not a medical setting!

As we left, my friend asked me if I thought I would make this a regular part of my Dallas trips. While I would love to, it is not feasible budget-wise, but it was fun. I am just trusting that I don't re-grow the beard that sent me there in the first place!

Getting back to beauty regimens...

I am a LONG way off from having to get my hair cut, but somehow or other, the hair on my chin and eyebrows is growing back with a vengeance. So, I made an appointment for tomorrow, after my visit with the plastic surgeon, to have my chin waxed and eyebrows done. I could do it here in Abilene, but would have to have the girls with me. So, in a gallent effort to save my hair salon from two pre-schoolers, I am sacrificing and doing it Dallas. At the mall. At "the spa" at Nordstroms. The place the girl at Baylor recommended. It is pricey of course, but I am hoping that being a more upscale place will make it less likely to have a technician whose experience is on their kid sister! (Baylor Medical DOES have a spa on campus, can you believe it? It is just that they are booked for tomorrow. Rats!) It is reminder that before I know it, I will be back to hair cuts and the like.

I have heard all along that my hair will probably grow back thicker and fuller, but I assumed that would be on my head! That I have more hair on my face than under my hat is just wrong. Funny, but wrong. In fact, I was opting for a sense of humor about it until I took a good look in the mirror. Scary--in a Redbeard type of way. (Guess that was Bluebeard, but you get the drift!) I then looked at my husband and inquired kindly as to why he had not mentioned this. Imagine the sheepiest of sheepish looks. "Uh...I was going to say something....but I didn't notice until at church." Lovely. :-)

Back Where I Belong

Today I went back to church. During worship, with Annaleigh sitting between Mark and me (Ellabeth had childcare), I felt like I was back where I belonged, and it felt good. Really good. Thanks, Lord, for the healing process. With patience and His mercy, time brought me to today. Mark had to work this afternoon, and while he was gone I also felt a lot more like "Mom" too (cleaning and disciplining, as opposed to resting and trying to make sure no blood is shed). That was also a good feeling.

Good feelings can be short lived...Ellabeth threw up this afternoon and has been running fever. We are going to the doctor, not for the vomiting, but for evidence of another ear infection. All more than you want to know! The sweet thing is that Ellabeth has let me rock her. Not normal for her, which may just prove how sick she is, but nevertheless, I savored the time spent with my little one in my arms.

I go back to the plastic surgeon on Tuesday. A friend is taking me, and I think we will have a fun time. I am curious what he is going to say about me still being so uncomfortable, i.e., having pain and burning. I am learning to live with it, which is perhaps what my experience will be, but I am still curious as to his reaction.

May God bless your week, and sustain you while patience, His mercy, and time take you where you want to be.

Opening Page

Following up from what I mentioned in my last post, Ginger put my picture on her opening page. You can see it at www.gsnaps.net

Thanks, Ginger, for your support and interest, and may God continue to protect your recovery from breast cancer.

Happy Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month and so far three different people have "celebrated" with me in three different ways:

--a friend dropped by with a cute pair of breast cancer socks for me. I know she thought it a small thing, but it made me smile and blessed my heart that she thought of me!

--I got an e-mail from the photographer working with me on my cancer collage. She asked permission to post one of pictures on her site in conjuction with the month. I was honored and of course said yes! I am not sure where it is on her site, but her web address is www.gsnaps.net if you want to look.

--Mark bought me a giant cookie decorated for BCAM. Annaleigh carried it to me singing, "Happy Birthday to Mommy!" I tried to explain that this was a "Happy boo-boo's go away cookie" but she stuck with the birthday theme. Works for me!

I appreciate the thoughtfulness of all these I just mentioned, as well as all who have supported me with cards and prayers these past months. I also appreciate the funds raised through all the efforts made during this awareness month. Without the research, who knows what my story would be? Because of all the research, it is truly a reason to celebrate awareness! Thanks!

Some Things I Don't Know

...I don't know what is going through my 4 year old's mind, especially when she puts the portable phone in my glass of ice water.

...I don't know when the doctor said my expanders would be attached to steel discs, but apparrently they are. When I told him I felt like I had steel plates smashed into my chest, he said, "You do." But neither Mark, nor I, remember being told that. Perhaps that was ommitted so he could also avoid telling me this procedure might hurt and might keep on hurting. The energizer bunny version of reconstruction, I guess. :-)

...I don't know how Saturn can fix our ignition so the key doesn't stick, and now the only key that DOES work is the one that DIDN'T work before they tore it all apart. Furthermore, the copy of the non-working key that didn't work before they fixed it still doesn't work. And, I guess it goes without saying that the key thad DID work before they fixed it, now sticks. Go figure.

...I don't know how many more calls I can make before Saturn either begins blocking our number or begins answering me on a first-name basis. :-)

...I don't know where Annaleigh learned to quote Genesis 1:1, but she recited it perfectly the other day. Pretty impressive, but I wish I could take credit for teaching it to her!

...I don't know the mysteries of God, but I continue to see Him at work in our family and through our church family. I am so grateful.

...I don't know where to begin with thank you notes, or how I will find words to truly express my gratitude for the way people have touched my life deeply through my breast cancer journey. I want to do something creative, but not dorky. :-)

...I don't know "what is up" with my persistant thirst and dry tongue since surgery. No matter how much I drink, I seem to always crave more. I am grateful, though, that I can drink water again, which was not an option (according to my stomach) during chemotherapy.

...Lastly, I don't know the current price of portable phones, but I guess I am about to find out.

Out -n- About

Out and about...
2 steps forward, one step back...
White + red = strawberry blonde?

This weekend I have finally gotten out a little. Our Bible class went to May Farm, which is a local petting farm with goats, llamas, sheep, a pig, birds, rabbits, chickens, donkeys, etc. Mark and I had the goal that I would go, and I did. It was really fun, though I am still pretty cautious. Last night I was pretty sore, though, and when we got home, I HAD to rest. But, it was a goal met!

This morning, Sunday morning: yikes. Our family didn't do so well, though it was not a complete defeat, either. I cannot explain it, but I was overwhelmed about returning to church, so last night I opted not to go. I think it is because I am still in pain, and the thought of visiting with lots of people and trying to figure out whether to be honest about it or cheerful--or cheerfully honest--when instead I am feeling kind of like crying for the persistance of the pain...it just seemed too much. (Let me hasten to add that up until this current situation, talking with the people at church has been tremendously strengthening! I have loved it!)

Well, anyway, Annaleigh did NOT want to go to church without Mom. Dad insisted Annaleigh go...and there was the proverbial locking of the horns, with a bit of 4 year old stubbornness thrown in. So, I chose to compromise. I rode into church with them, and then drove myself (the first time since surgery) to Starbucks, and went back to the church parking lot and read and then did some Bible study. It was pleasant, though the entire context of the morning's upset, pain, and not being in church rather robbed the experience of being thoroughly wonderful.

In Annaleigh's defense, though...to a 4 year old, it must seem that Mom's boo-boo and absence from church has been FOREVER. Throw in the fact that she has a cold, and who hasn't felt awful in the morning with a cold, even when over the worst of it? Add in all of the things she cannot verbalize...well, a bit of a melt down seems reasonable, especially considering how happy she has been throughout this entire journey. It is all I can do to NOT say, "poor baby!" In reality, I think that phrase is rightfully extended to my husband, who is trying to manuever through breast cancer within a household of 3 females, even if 2 are pre-schoolers!

On another subject, a friend noticed that my hair is growing back. I thought my hat was askew, but she could tell from what was peeking out from the sides. I lifted up my hat and asked her what color it was looking like...lots of white, with some red. Strawberry blonde? We'll see.

So, overall: I am definitely better, but still hurting (about a 3 on the pain scale). There are some moments in which I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and other moments I definitely know I am in the here and now, pain wise. Three steps forward, two back, but still moving ahead!