Fighting Fear
Today, or rather especially this morning, I felt more fearful for some reason. Perhaps I was not so ready to state "The Big Picture". After doing so, I kept wondering...about my numbered days...about odd dreams...and that perhaps the reason we talk to our girls about heaven so much has more significance than just the fact that Grandma and Granpa Horner live there, as well as Toby, Theo, and Cuddles, our puppies. (To all the theologians out there who debate that point...let's just wait and see, okay?)
I'm feeling better now, and in hindsight, I have these observations to offer:
--Not voicing my fearfulness to the first friend I ran across: Not helpful. (It has nothing to do with our relationship...perhaps with the setting. Preschool gymnastics demands a certain amount of levity.)
--Chai Tea: Helped a little.
--"Reading between the lines" when a friend reported her sister with cancer was "pretty good.": Not good.
--Finding reference in book about mortality chart: Bad.
--Giving into compulsion to look at chart: Worse.
--Voicing fear to husband and getting hug: Good, helpful.
--Sending aforementioned chart out the house to husband's workplace: Much better.
--Sending husband for and receiving cookies: Better.
--Voicing fears to a second friend who called: Relief!
--Having friend laugh at mortality chart: Priceless! Much better, I can breathe again.
--Call from Dr.'s office, and receiving news that surgery is sooner rather than later: Sealed the deal, in a good way. The adrenilin is going again, and I have been fine ever since.
The nurse told us that Breast Cancer is a hugely mental and emotional fight. She was right.
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What made me laugh today: I haven't lost my hair yet, but I know it's coming. Hats are in my future. What did we get in the mail today? From my sweet mother-in-law, who just returned from a trip to the Holy Land, a fatigue style baseball cap that reads "Israel Army". :-) I am sure it's for my husband, but...it would be one way to deflect from having no hair!
I'm feeling better now, and in hindsight, I have these observations to offer:
--Not voicing my fearfulness to the first friend I ran across: Not helpful. (It has nothing to do with our relationship...perhaps with the setting. Preschool gymnastics demands a certain amount of levity.)
--Chai Tea: Helped a little.
--"Reading between the lines" when a friend reported her sister with cancer was "pretty good.": Not good.
--Finding reference in book about mortality chart: Bad.
--Giving into compulsion to look at chart: Worse.
--Voicing fear to husband and getting hug: Good, helpful.
--Sending aforementioned chart out the house to husband's workplace: Much better.
--Sending husband for and receiving cookies: Better.
--Voicing fears to a second friend who called: Relief!
--Having friend laugh at mortality chart: Priceless! Much better, I can breathe again.
--Call from Dr.'s office, and receiving news that surgery is sooner rather than later: Sealed the deal, in a good way. The adrenilin is going again, and I have been fine ever since.
The nurse told us that Breast Cancer is a hugely mental and emotional fight. She was right.
____________________________________________
What made me laugh today: I haven't lost my hair yet, but I know it's coming. Hats are in my future. What did we get in the mail today? From my sweet mother-in-law, who just returned from a trip to the Holy Land, a fatigue style baseball cap that reads "Israel Army". :-) I am sure it's for my husband, but...it would be one way to deflect from having no hair!
posted by Beverly @ 3:28 PM
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