Grateful to be Better

Since my last post, I am feeling much better. I would have blogged that yesterday, but parenthood called and fortunately, I felt good enough to answer. My biggest upset was not my stomach, but a moment in which Annaleigh got away from me, and my heart stopped. She is fine; my heart is still recovering.

I am not an expert on stomach acid or heartburn, so I am not sure what is still lingering. Whatever it is, it is reduced enough where I am so much better, but I am still being careful. And, for me, I am up early as it started to reappear. It does look like carbonated drinks are out of any near future in that they seem to eat their way down to my stomach. Ouch!

I have to confess I have struggled with a little annoyance...one day miserable, the next day functioning relatively well. Was it sleeping on the couch with my head elevated? Is it truly the nature of chemo, that it just takes time to get through your system, and there IS that magic moment that one is okay? I am more grateful than annoyed, and determined to be. In fact, I am annoyed that I am even that slightest bit annoyed. How easy is gratitude and how hard can I make it?
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Also in my last post, I mentioned that I was asking Jesus to come close. In my devotional book that night, the focus was on Jesus, our Immanuel--God with us. COME to be with us. And, it was also on being thankful...on accepting what He has allowed to come to us that day so that we can experience Him, either in darkness or in thankfulness. It was a great answer to that prayer.

In responding to the first part of this blog, perhaps this is part of the journey...learning to experience Him in gratitude, rather than darkness. Practicing putting aside those human annoyances and impatient feelings that obscure my vision of Him. Perhaps that should be today's goal: Find gratitude and see Jesus.

Needing Jesus...

First and above all, thanks to friends from our Bible Class who took the girls to the park yesterday and let Mark and I have a couple of hours. You are so appreciated!! Thanks for being Jesus to us and our girls.

Of secondary importance...today and yesterday....blech. I have scars, parts that don't belong, and I am bald. And my stomach hurts. Am I being genuine or complaining? Okay, both. Perhaps, genuinely complaining, haha.

I know this is about life, though. It is about enduring so that I have as many years as possible with my husband and girls. It is a time I wish I wish I could be more profound...I am asking Jesus to draw close.

Scriptures anyone, for times like these?

Love to all, Bev

Accomplished!

Perhaps the theme song you envision is from Rocky, as I carried my sack of hats, wig and camera down the sidewalk to my hairdresser. Or, perhaps that amusing commercial ditty for Tide Spot Out..."na na na na, na na na na, hey, hey, Goodbye!" Or, if you are the Mom of a pre-schooler, Dora's "We did it song" and her little orchestra (dum-dum-dum-de-dum!) will suffice. At any rate, we accomplished. I got my head shaved yesterday.

I did take pictures, and we are still trying to figure out the most appropriate way to share them. We don't want to gross anyone out, for sure. Yet, it is part of my goal to be authentic and genuine (that criteria --which is actually too strong of a word-- is for me only, not to be placed on anyone else.) Plus, I do think people have a normal curiousity, and I am okay with that.

But, before you pat me on the back, you need to realize I did not fare so well getting ready to go. In all honesty, God was so good to me: On Tuesday, at Baylor, I kept looking at my full head of hair in disbelief. On Wednesday I raked my hands through my hair and came out with a handful. On Thursday, Annaleigh came and plucked some out. On Friday, I showered....and it came and came. I got nauseated and so dizzy I had to turn the shower off and lay down in the tub. So...no pats on the back there! I say God is so good, because He prepared me. He prompted me to make the appointment on the basis of information I was given, and by the time I went, I knew there was no way I could endure another experience in the shower like that. Everything was in place so I did not have to. Thanks, Lord.

How did the girls do? Fine. Yesterday, Annaleigh said, "well, it bothered me a little bit." But, this morning, she took my turban off, and said, "Mom, don't cover your hair," and she went and put it on the counter. She tried to explain something about "the people" but it was beyond her. I think she was saying the people would not mind. She also likes to pat my head. Ellabeth seems oblivious or at least non-bothered. Mark is a trooper!

And, how do I feel? Yesterday...I was on a pill that seems to literally glue my eyes shut. This morning, I am gathering my "sea-legs"...it is my fifth day from treatment, so no formal regimine. At this point, I am basically ok.

On the Edge

Okay. I am feeling well enough to sit and make a short blog entry. That says something! But, I have been "on the edge" all day, with short waves of nausea and being ready for the next anti-nausea drug when the clock rolls around.

We had a friend come help me today with the girls, allowing me to go to bed, allowing Mark to go to the office, and allowing the girls to be safe. Thanks so much! Another friend called for a another reason, offered her assistance, and she went and picked up a head form for my wig. What a help! I cannot imagine Mark accomplishing that with much comfort or finesse, smile. Finally, we had a friend bring a meal by, not to fail to mention the friend who brought something last evening. We are so blessed. Thank you to all of you! I don't say all of this to brag, but to reassure friends and family far away that we are well taken care of. (But I do feel really rich in writing all of it down.)

And, alas, I can now rake my hand through my hair and come out with a handful of hair. Mark's comment..."oooooh." Annaleigh's comment: "Neat!" At least I know it is time to see the hairdresser.

May God's favor rest on you today.

Second Treatment Accomplished

Two friends took me to Dallas yesterday for my second chemo treatment. We had safe travel, a nice lunch, and good conversation. We also seemed to wait a lot, but that is just part of it. We arrived at Sammons at 9:20-ish, and left about 4:30. I took my Emend pill with "breakfast" (a bag of Ritz Bitz cheese crackers,smile, sigh. That's what happens when you leave Abilene at 6 a.m.). From there on, I was pretty dopey and had a bit of harsh stomach. Why is that anti-nausea pills can make you feel bad? Doesn't make sense; its ironic at best.

On the way back for the actual chemo, I found a small emotional wave wash over me...something akin to "I don't want to do this." But, I was able to swallow it and focus on my two little ones, and I did okay. The nurses there are so sweet. The lady who drove me laid down on a bench to rest for the drive home, and one of the nurses brought her a blanket and covered her up. My friend said she envisioned and felt like it was God covering her and was so blessed by it.

This morning, I feel amazingly good. I am having bouts of nausious (SP?) feelings that come and go. I have taken two of my pills so far and am starting to feel drugged again, but I am not going to bed as I have to go get a shot for white blood cell support. When I get home, I have to take another pill, and that one will knock me out for sure, but a friend is taking the girls for us, so that I can sleep and Mark can go to the office for a few hours. We have also have a couple of meals lined up for us this week, and that is such a huge blessing. We also had somone help us with laundry, and that helped to uncover that load.

To my UnNamed Friends mentioned here: please know I would love to honor you by using your names, but wish to embarress no one, nor forget anyone. So, in respect to you...not out of any other wish...I will call you friends, knowing that some people will know who you are, and that God and the angels are watching and smiling. Love you!

A Fine Line

I have never been of the company that believes that all "healing" (I put that in quotes, because I believe as Christians, sometimes our ultimate healing is that which moves us from this life to God's presence) comes exclusively of God, i.e., without the assistance of medicine. I confess that I have never understood the stories of parents who withheld medical help for their suffering children on the basis of "faith."

I also have never held to the position that illness is the result of sin, or a result of lack of faith. There have just been too many godly people I know of who have had terminal illesses and colds, for that matter. I just cannot accept that.

However, I do agree with a comment made by Kerri Lane, a godly and sweet woman at my church who recently died of melanoma. If I understood her correctly, she believed that cancer was of satan. I cannot speak for her, so I will speak for myself: I don't take that to mean that every woman who has breast cancer, or person who has an illness of any sort has been specifically targeted by satan. Perhaps in some cases they have. But for the most of us, I take it to mean that cancer, and all illness, and certainly death itself, is the result of the original sin in the Garden. I do not think that death was part of God's original intent, or at least not death as we currently experience it.

We know that God has triumphed over death through Jesus, but until He declares all things finished, we all are susceptable to various aspects of that original fall in the garden. So, as a woman with breast cancer, I think my situation is somehow a result of that defiant choice made by Adam and Eve. Just like my impatience, hatefulness, and stinginess (how's that for confession), I am now similarly experiencing the defilement of God's original creation and intent for His children.

As a woman with breast cancer, that has a couple of implications:
1) I certainly do not see medical science in conflict with my faith. Though there are surely scientists and doctors out there who have the spirit of self-importance that caused a lot of trouble at the Tower of Babel, I think in general that God has enabled scientists to discover truths that help keep life going, and thus help keep His work and kingdom going in this world.
2) In fighting my cancer, I am fighting for life, and that is congruent with God's intent for us. This is a spiritual fight as well. I think of Jesus' words, "The thief comes to steal and destroy; I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10 Though as a Christian, I believe death is being ushered into His presence, I also think that while we are here on this earth, we are called to enjoy life in all aspects...spiritually, emotionally, relationally, physically...to the full. Life is a gift; satan means to interrupt it in whatever way he can; God triumphs and helps us overcome...hatefulness, stinginess, and cancer.

I recognize there are some fine lines here. And I realize theologians and non-theologians may be able to argue my points. But for now, these are my thoughts.

Yet another thought: Kerri Lane did not die defeated. She spiritually conquered (by leaps and bounds, in my opinion!) her cancer and Jesus defeated death for her--I believe she was ushered joyfully into His presence. I think many of us who knew Kerri find ourselves in a odd place: we don't want to have to be like Kerri, but if we find ourselves in her place, we hope to imitate her at least in part. Jesus, please give her a hug for me!

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On a lighter note, I made my hair appointment to deal with my hairloss. I may be a bit early on the draw, but that will take me to my 18th day, when hairloss is supposed to rapidly begin. If I wait, I will have to wait past the weekend and Memorial Day, and that may get traumatic. So...humor, seeing myself as God does, and relishing the hope of not having to shave my legs for 4 months...we will pack it all up with a prayer and a wig and hope for the best! My plan is to take the family with me. I figure if we all see it happen together, it will be less scary for the girls and less traumatic for Mark.

A favorite line I recently read..."we are hairless, not prayerless!"

Two Words

Stomach virus.

First Ellabeth,, now me.

About Hair Loss

From what I understand, if the chemotherapy one takes causes hair loss--and mine does--it begins around day 18 and happens rapidly. I confess, I am getting antsy (is that how you spell that word?) about it. I have seen some individual strands fluttering around, but nothing drastic. This coming Tuesday, the day of my second treatment, will be day 14. By this time next week...

In some ways, I wish it was over and done with. The waiting is hard, but it is an opportuntity to remind myself to...

---have a sense of humor (I so want to connect with my bald brother --who is 15 years older than me-- and do twin pictures!!)
---this will be temporary
---I am more, and my beauty is more (assuming I can use that word in a broad sense, haha) than my hair
---this is a good reminder to not be vain and not focus on externals
---this is like a formal induction to the league of breast cancer survivors I so admire. I should be proud.

But still, I am antsy!

Just Some Thoughts

Today was my last day of Bible Study Fellowship. It officially ends next Wednesday, but since I am doing my chemotherapy on Tuesday, I am not planning on going. As well, there is no childcare for the last session, so I would be home anyway. But, as we closed out the year, I had a couple of thoughts:

...We studied Genesis, and
I am challenged to ask God for BIG things. For example, every now and then I still find myself talking to the Lord in terms of "Okay...if I can just have 10 years, Annaleigh would be 13. No, that's a terrible age to loose a Mom...better make it 17...no, 18 years, so that Ellabeth would be 20." First of all, my cancer is more curable than that, and that mindset is not really appropriate. Secondly, Creation and God's Promises teach me to ask BIG. So, I catch myself and ask for another 50 or years. Why not live until I'm 90+??

...We also looked at the life of Jacob, the man who clung to God and insisted on His blessing. When I think of that story, I also think of the story of God meeting Hagar and Ishmael in the desert, and providing for them so they would not die. The story says that God was with them.
I am challenged by this in a huge way. I confess I do not understand how God was with them, yet Ishmael was not part of God's covenant of promise. But I am paying attention. I want to be like Jacob. I want to live through this cancer and seek and find God and His blessings. I want to cling to Him and seek not just an awareness that He exists, but I want to know Him more. I want to ask BIG--and develop a deeper relationship with Him...to seek the blessings of His promises, not just His presence.

...And, I will never look at stickers the same way.
Scripture teaches that thorns and stickers were the result of the fall, and I realized I have a yard full of them to remind me that sin occurred in this world! Every time my puppies carry one in, I am reminded that sin was not God's idea...that Jesus bore on His head that symbol of sin as He went to the cross. I am so grateful that His death on that cross flung the crown of thorns--and my sin-- away. Thank you, Lord.

...Finally, I am grateful that "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose..." Romans 8:28. As we concluded Genesis, the words of Joseph rang loud and clear: What you intended for evil, God intended for good, for the saving the many lives."
I am grateful that God can use my cancer, and other difficult things, to bring about His purpose. Though satan may intend difficult times to thwart the work of God in my life, or to douse my faith, God is faithful. He will have the upper hand. He will use these things for my good. He will NOT allow what is intended for evil to destroy the work He began in me. I am amazed, humbled and grateful, and I want to cooperate with Him in this!

Today a Better Day

Today I was better. I'm learning to do the "dance"... frequent, small meals seem to keep me feeling better. Never too much, not waiting too long... and the periodic stomach upset has been more manageable. I've still been hit by some tiredness, but that too has been weathered.

A challenging thought. If I had only my faith ... and not my friends and family acting out Jesus to me ... how would I be doing? I have some room -- huge room -- for growth here.

Honestly speaking....

Today, in my effort to be authentic and genuine, I will say that in recalling my nurses's words that breast cancer is 10% physical and 90% mental and emotional....I am not sure I am doing very well.

I woke up queasy. I was emotional at church from said queasiness. I've taken two doses of anti-nausea drugs when I expected to be flying high and steady. My port is annoying. I had bizarre dreams last night. Not nightmares, none disturbing, but what seemed to be a steady stream of vivid dreams that left me annoyed and confused. It is almost 8:30 p.m. and I still have four drugs I have not taken yet today. I doubt I get them all down. This is hard, and I don't feel I am doing such a great job.

To my friends who saw me at church today...who noticed my Sprite and offered sympathy...who saw the tears in my eyes and let me be emotional and just hugged me...who once again surrounded us with ways to help and food to bring and offers to assist with the girls: Thank You!

I will try to get better at this. God bless you!

Recollections on Chemotherapy

In theory, this post, though way over-due, should be easy, in that pretty much all my memories of this past week are pretty hazy. Though I have not been sick per se, the anti-nausea drugs have pretty much knocked me out, and my memories are a bit patchy and vague.

But, here goes, to at least pass out some thanks:

Thanks, to Mark's Aunt Glad, who stayed with me before and after my port was put in. Her job was not high and lofty, though I wish it could have been. I got my usual pre-surgerical nausea, and after the procedure it was worse. She was a trooper, claiming she did NOT have a queasy stomach and came and repeatedly patted my back everytime I was ill. True servanthood. She also prayed over me at least twice. Everyone needs an Aunt Glad.

Regardig the port: I was not, and I repeat NOT, put out. This is not a fact that makes me happy. The whole ordeal was one of nausea, having my head under a tent, and carrying on a three-way conversation between the doctor, the resident he was training and my self. Somewhere in there, the doctor shared his child is also involved with ECI. We are both in agreement its a great program. No telling what the resident learned during the procedure, except that maybe some patients would be best put TO SLEEP!!

Because I got so ill, my chemo was delayed a day. They sent me home in my hospital gown, which I dutifully tried to return the next day. Ever try to hand off a used hospital gown to hospital personnell?!!! Those not equipped with rubber gloves? Pretty funny! But one brave soul finally risked life and limb to take it off my hands. Wonder just how much I saved Baylor medical by returning it?

I was told the chemo would be a 4-5 hour infusion. It took probably less than 2. I will inquire again with my excellent clarificaton skills when I talk with the doctor again.

I never did get sick from the chemo, though I have come close a couple of times. It is pretty foggy, since all the drugs knocked me out. So, rather than wondering if I can be "so sick" and I am wondering if I can, indeed, sleep 3-4 days every other week.

Further thanks and a prayer request: Mark's cousin, Barb, was to stay with me the day after my treatment. Her daughters were going to assist as well with the girls. Barb's dad had a sudden, massive heart attack. As of this writing, I do not know if he is still living. I do know they have been facing serious life-support issues. Please pray for them. In light of all that, Mark's brother, John, took a couple hours off of work two days in a row to come to my rescue (while Mark was at a conference.) The first day Ellabeth was napping and Annaleigh was staying at my side watching PBS. I remember his arrival with great relief! He also stayed with me one afternoon while Mark took the girls out, but I did not know that til later.

So, how to do I feel? Tired. And like something really harsh is on my stomach. Not exactly nauseated, but whatever is sitting there doesn't feel like it belongs. And sleepy. Did I mentioned sleepy?

My favorite memories of this past week....listening to Mark truly enjoying the girls; resting in bed and realizing I was truly, PEACEFULLY, resting--thanks Lord for granting that and for those who prayed for that; and for resting on the couch with my two little girls falling asleep with me. One night, just Annaleigh, and the other night both of them, and Annaleigh climbed to the floor and slept by my side. Sweetness and blessing to me!

I Love My Oncologist!

I met Dr. Joyce O'Shaughnessy, Medical Oncologist at Baylor, last Friday. There is just something about her--she is strong, fiesty, and caring. She validated my questions. She is in a research office 3 times a week, and sees patients twice weekly. I feel very fortunate to be assigned to her.

Dr. O'Shaughnessy said my cancer is very straight forward, and so is its treatment. I am grateful that we are not facing 3 possible treatments and weighing the pro's and con's of each one!! In my case, we know what to do, and we will do it.

This is what she explained:

No treatment: chance of recurrance = 30-35%

4 treatments of AC (Adriamyacin/Cytoxin) every two weeks: recurrance rate = 18-20%

4 treatments of Taxol: recurrance rate = 9%

Add low fat diet (35 grams) and 30 minutes walking per day: recurrance rate = 5%

My treatments will begin on May 8th, and be every two weeks. That takes me through the summer. Radiation begins a couple weeks after the treatments are completed. Because of my family history, Dr. O'Shaughnessy is going to do some gene testing. If that comes back positive, then I would forego radiation and do further surgery, likely a double masectomy/reconstruction and removal of the ovaries.

Regarding hairless: it is a given. My level of o.k.-ness varies, but overall, I am in good humor.

I Love My Oncologist!

I met Dr. Joyce O'Shaughnessy, Medical Oncologist at Baylor, last Friday. There is just something about her--she is strong, fiesty, and caring. She validated my questions. She is in a research office 3 times a week, and sees patients twice weekly. I feel very fortunate to be assigned to her.

Dr. O'Shaughnessy said my cancer is very straight forward, and so is its treatment. I am grateful that we are not facing 3 possible treatments and weighing the pro's and con's of each one!! In my case, we know what to do, and we will do it.

This is what she explained:

No treatment: chance of recurrance = 30-35%

4 treatments of AC (Adriamyacin/Cytoxin) every two weeks: recurrance rate = 18-20%

4 treatments of Taxol: recurrance rate = 9%

Add low fat diet (35 grams) and 30 minutes walking per day: recurrance rate = 5%

My treatments will begin on May 8th, and be every two weeks. That takes me through the summer. Radiation begins a couple weeks after the treatments are completed. Because of my family history, Dr. O'Shaughnessy is going to do some gene testing. If that comes back positive, then I would forego radiation and do further surgery, likely a double masectomy/reconstruction and removal of the ovaries.

Regarding hairless: it is a given. My level of o.k.-ness varies, but overall, I am in good humor.