Visualizing It Isn't Helping

In a common thread with my last post, I AM at peace with my upcoming surgeries. I believe my doctors when they say it is preventative, and my attitude is, truly, "sign me up!!" But...

Yet, when I think about the actual removal of my breasts...when I imagine them being placed in a metal bowl and discarded...well...I don't feel so great about it. It is a moment when "visualization" and "imagery" is less than helpful.

So...I guess for once the answer is honestly: DON'T THINK ABOUT IT! Focus on the positive, on the years to come, and on my beautiful girls and wonderful husband in front of me. Keep a sense of humor...about what it will be like to pick out parts (and I thought a wig was hard!), and what will happen if I spring a leak (my nurse said I would be sent home with a saline solution until further reconstruction takes place.) I can just see me watering the fresh produce at the grocery store! HA!

At any rate...I am okay, as long as I don't let my mind's eye conjure up unwanted images.

By the way, speaking of beautiful children and grocery stores, the girls and I just got back from shopping. When we checked out, the grocery clerk invited and helped Annaleigh to do the actual check out, making the machine read and beep at all our stuff. Perhaps something like that happens anymore only in Abilene, Texas, but it made me smile and gave me a great day. How fun!

War or Peace?

I find it interesting that my cancer journey holds a certain tension. On one hand, I think and talk in terms of fighting my cancer. I want to do everything I can...prayer, optomism, chemotherapy, surgery, exercise, diet...to beat the cancer that has tried to grow inside of my body. I want to cooperate to fullest extend to beat this thing.

On the other hand, I talk and think in terms of cancer being a gift. It is not a gift I may have had the wisdom to choose, and as my friend says, it is a harsh gift, but it is a gift, nonetheless. Mark and I have been given the opportunity to be reminded to value life, love our girls, and see the small--yet huge--acts and items of beauty and love around us. I have described my journey as one that is rich, and that I would not necessarily turn the journey down if it were offered again. I believe that is true.

So, am I at war or peace with my cancer? Both. Despite the vast contrast, both.

The Nurses Were Right

Regarding the blood I mentioned a couple of entries ago, I believe the nurses were right. I have had no bleeding today, so am trusting all is well.

Today is the third day after my Taxol treatment. This unpredictable drug is at least consistant...I am wiped out, a little queasy, and generally blah. But, I expect to be much better tomorrow. I have to say the contrast has run through my brain today: Jesus rose on the 3rd day (or as we put it for the girls, "Jesus JUMPED from the grave")...Taxol takes me down.

Tomorrow is a new day!

Fly Me to the Moon

I forgot to share this fun blessing...

On the way home from my last treatment, Mark and I stopped at Macaroni Grill for a bite to eat. A waiter was helping another table...he was singing to their little girl! Perhaps because I was "on drugs", I boldy asked our waitress if he could come fill my tea and sing to us, too. She said she thought so and went to talk to him. (At this point, Mark is trying to slip under the table.)

The waiter came over, filled my tea, and sang to us. His choice: "Fly Me to the Moon." It was GREAT!!! He had a fabulous voice, had great personality, and the song was so fun.

So, now Mark and I have "our song". And, we have a great memory. Thanks, Macaroni Grill waiter!

It's Hard to Know Sometimes

Sometimes it is hard to know what to do...do I post this entry, do I wait on calls back from the doctor...do I wait patiently and calmly?

To risk providing more information than you want to know, I had blood in my stool this morning. The triage nurse in Dallas said to give it a day or 2, because it could be an internal hemmorhoid, but that we should not ignore it.

Shortly after that conversation, I had another stool, with even more blood. So, I called my GP (knowing my personal doctor is on vacation, because I talked to the office yesterday about referrals for my surgery). I am still waiting on their return call.

It is hard to know what to do: It is now Thursday. If I wait a day or 2 as per the triage nurse in Dallas, then I hit the weekend. Life slows down significantly here on the weekend. Which is why I called my GP's office. I am trying be a patient patient, but I wish they would call!

Surgery Confirmed

I had my 7th of 8 treatments (my 3rd of 4 Taxol) this past Tuesday. I was also able to visit with my oncologist and my surgeon (Dr. Knox) about my genetic testing results. Surgery was confirmed. Dr. O'Shaughnessy said that I could opt for just having my ovaries removed. That would reduce my chance for recurrance (indicated by the genetic testing to be 64% for a new cancer to develop) by 50%. If I have the double masectomy, it puts it into the 90% range. On a more practical level, she said she has seen only 1 recurrance in 20 years of practice with someone who did the surgery.

I am okay with this, and Mark is as well. I admit that when we start talking "numbers" and when the discussion and focus is on the chance of cancer coming back, some fear creeps in. Kind of ironic, since we are talking about preventing it from coming back, but I guess the discussion also opens the door to some "what if's" to float through my mind.

Dr. Knox said to plan on only one night in the hospital. I argued for 2, but got no where, haha. She said a lot of people who travel in will stay in a hotel the day of discharge, so I guess we will do that, or head a short distance to family. We will see! The reason for one night's stay is that it has been demonstrated that folks do much better, and rest better, once they are up and around and out of the hospital. To be whiny about it, I told her, "But I LIKE the hospital! It feels safe and feels good to be cared for!" I got no where.

So, my surgery is scheduled for September 11th. It will be the double masectomy and beginning of reconstruction. It will last about 6 hours.

My only discouragement is that the removal of the ovaries will be a separate surgery unto itself. I guess I did not realize that because it has always been talked about together with the masectomy. So, that surgery will occur sometime in November. The good news is that my gyn here in Abilene will do it. He is suggesting that we go ahead and do a complete hysterectomy. I trust his judgement, so we will.

All in all, there are some mixed feelings...fear...weariness...anxiety...gratitude. And gratitude is where we will choose to land. We will choose to be thankful for science, for good doctors, for caring friends, and the provision we know will come as we need it. Thanks, God!