Did I Really Mean That?

At the risk of sounding...well, pious, I was reflecting this morning on a short conversational prayer I had a few weeks back. I was thinking about how God seems to have used me most when I am sick. You see, one of the first times I really felt like God used my life in general was when I was in labor with my oldest. I had suggested to my husband that we bring some praise CD's and he played them as we were working through contractions and pushing. The nurse commented that she needed to hear those songs. Later, I found out that she was the wife of a friend's friend and there were some huge marital problems. The second most profound time, of course, has been this past year. My joke is that God uses me best when I am basically incoherent!

At any rate, now that I am better--cancer free--a few weeks ago I was feeling unsure how things would play out. Could God still use me? How? I remember saying/thinking...I would be willing to go through something else if that is how I would best stay close to Him and be of use.

So this week, I am thinking--Did I really mean that? I am typing this with fingers that feel the size of sausages. They are totally numb with painful tingles, though I guess if I can feel sharp needles they aren't totally numb, are they? My shoulder hurts, I had an hour of back spasms the other day...and I am not sure how this will play out medically. For now, I have two splints to wear that help, as well as pending appointments with a neurologist (to assess the sensory issues in my hands) and with Physical Therapy. (By the way, the doctor is thinking it IS Carpel Tunnel, we just need to evaluate first.)

I guess God took me seriously, and I remember having a very sincere heart as I breathed that prayer to Him. So, I trust that this is a reminder that God has not stopped in the process of making me holy. I trust it is also a means of continuing to make me useful to others.

Even as I say that, I want to be careful about what I am implying about God. I don't claim to have all (or any) of the answers. I don't think He is mean, after all, I did offer, here! And I do think that He could have could just enabled me to have profound personal discipline...but I am not the most cooperative student in that way. I think, whether it is simplistic or not, that God is able to work within the fallen-ness and frailty of our world, and bring good--both to me and others. That is what I want to be a part of--to be part of the big picture in a significant way. And, actually, there you have it--that is about ME, not Him...though it is about Him in a round about way. Oh brother! See why I get excited to see that He has been able to use me at all?

Anyway, I guess the reason I am blogging about this is that I felt that I momentarily forgot that He is at work to make me holy. I have been hurting, and that makes me tired...and a tad grumpy. I think I need to jump back into the game--sausage fingers and all--and allow God to use this in my life. After all, I did say I would, and as I write this, I realize I think I meant it. After all, sausage fingers aren't terminal, and I shouldn't have to pull out my wig. So...Lord...let's get to work!