Oncologist Appointment this Friday

Today is a rainy and even chilly day in the last of June. Know what? I'll take it!

Tomorrow we go see my oncologist, and as usual, I am excited to see her. I have some questions about my thyroid nodules...about my dermatology office...and a few other things. She will get to see my new breast reconstruction and give some feedback about what she sees (we will hope its good, since what is done is done!) I will also do some labwork and make sure all is looking good.

We are going as a family and got a great summer special on a hotel in Dallas. We are hoping the rain clears just enough to allow us to take the girls out to do some fun things, but with this deal, at least Mark and I will feel pampered just a bit.

Will share the results later!

Said I Wasn't...

A couple of entries ago, I wrote an entry about the balance and tension between living and growing NOW, versus talking about what has happened in my life this past year.

Well, the girls are in Vacation Bible School this week, and one of their songs is an upbeat, stick in your mind song:

Said I wasn't goin' talk about it,
But, I couldn't keep it to myself
(No I) Couldn't keep it to myself,
(No I) Couldn't keep it to myself

Said I wasn't goin' talk about it...
But I couldn't keep it to myself,
What the Lord has done in me (clap, clap, clap!)

The thing is, I was strongly impressed several years ago to really listen to the words of the songs going through my heart and head....especially the ones that are just faintly playing in the back of my mind at first, until I pay attention and bring them forward. I really believe it is a way the Lord speaks to me...heart to heart, one might say.

I still am firmly planted with the truth that now is now...and that I don't want to have people run the other direction when they see me coming for the cancer story I have to tell. Yet, at the same time...I don't think I am done talking. I think I have some more to say, and certainly more to ponder.

A Call to Bare Arms

When I first began my cancer journey, I voiced hope that the experience of wearing hats would rub off some sophistication in my sense of style. Maybe I have gained a teensy bit of what I hoped for, but not much, I am afraid.

The proof of that? I am shamelessly going about sleeveless this summer. I don't have the arms for it, and I know it. But it's hot here in Texas, and combined with the occasional hot flash...I am rebelling! The fashionista's of this world are appalled, I am sure...and if there is going to be air conditioning, I wear a sweater or jacket, so perhaps they will offer me just a bit of grace. But for day to day living...for errands to the store...I have given in. I am ignoring my flabby arms and letting others ignore or roll their eyes! But, for me, I am being comfortable!

I think the motivation behind my courage to bare arms is this: my arms are never going to get better, and I refuse to survive cancer just to swelter in summer heat! And the reason I think it is not going to get better...my lymphodema folks don't want me to lift over 5-10 pounds. Of course I do, with the girls, but as far as going in for weight training, those days are over. (Rats, right? Like I really did that anyway. Well, once in a phase in my past life.) So what's a girl to do?

My decision...I am exercising the right to bare arms and give you permission to do so to. We'll just press on toward fashion goals this winter!

Can Persistance Fly a Kite?

...I ask this question because just hours before my husband left for four days, he came home with a new kite for the girls. So, guess who has been trying to fly it for them while he is gone? Yes, that would be me.

At first I was a little irritated. Being on my own with the girls is enough, let alone being handed a project that demands being put together before it can even be tried out! But, with my four year old PLEADING for me to PLEASE TRY...I decided it was probably a good message to show her that girls can put together things too. It went pretty well, until step 3. My wisdom to share about step 3: when all else fails, look on the floor for missing parts!

At any rate, we have the kite together, and though I am not sure I can claim success, I will challenge anyone who questions my persistance at trying to get the silly thing in the air for more than 30 seconds at a time! Do I have a sunburn? Yes! Have my arms gotten tired? Yes! Have I tried to analyze wind flow and direction? Yes! Have I stood on the electrical box trying to get more height? (Well, no...you have to draw the line somewhere, and I figured that being a good example in that regard was the priority.)

And, lastly...has my persistance outlasted the girls' interest? Yes! With a determination that mirror's my three year old's, I have tried and tried again. And, it has been a little fun. For the few seconds it is waving in the breeze, it is beautiful. Have the girls been by my side for those few seconds of glory? Absolutely not, or at the most, they have glanced my way.

But the experience has been thought provoking. I mean...can persistance really launch this thing, or is it the lack of wind? Is it the kite itself? Is it my lack of technique? Since my husband gets back today, I am not sure I will ever know. (If he gets it up, I am sure it will be because he is taller than me and the wind has picked up! :-) ).

Whatever the answer, I think the question could be helpful: Is my current situation one in which persistance will make the difference?

And...I guess this shows I am an optimist, because I am not sure if we ever know, at least not while we are in the "thick of things." I do think there is a place for wisdom to know when the answer is a glaring "NO!" And there are times we know we need to increase our skills or training. But apart from that, if the Lord seems to be calling us to try...or if it is of value to us...then I think persistance, the Lord's enabling, and the sense of personal satisfaction to know we hung in there are critical parts of the answer.

Can persistance fly a kite? Maybe! Just maybe!

Holiness of Soul

I emailed a friend the other day, who is fighting a lung infection. As I signed off, asking the Lord's healing for her, I also asked that God would grant her holiness of soul as she endured the healing process.

Though the thought stemmed from a discussion we had in Bible study the other night, I liked the wording that flowed through my fingers. I will try to blog more about it, because I think that the concept has a lot to do with what I blogged a few entries ago, about having a "theology of cancer." It's too late tonight to do so, but perhaps it will be good to ponder on for a while!

I Know Doctors are Human...

...but, yesterday, one confused Mark and me. We are happy with the outcome of the appointment, but.... Here's what happened:

Early this year, I went to see a local ENT (ears, nose, throat) doctor, primarily to start on my hearing issues (or lack thereof, I should say.) He did a very thorough exam, including ordering a sonogram of my thyroid, because of bi-lateral nodules on it. When we met to discuss the sonogram results, he explained it was very small, and we would watch it. I gave him "the look" and asked, "even with my history of cancer? It doesn't need to come out?" He was adamant. He explained that the nodule was extremely small. He said that thyroid cancer rarely spreads, and that autospies often find people with thyroid cancer, but that was not the cause of death.

I held my tongue, and knew I would just "table it" and discuss the situation with my oncologist. I don't want to be cancer-phobic, but then again, my vet's wife died last year from a mestasis of thyroid cancer. I have such confidence in my oncologist that I felt just fine putting the discussion to her judgement.

So, what happens yesterday? A follow-up appointment with the ENT. (First of all, the nurse said the chart indicated I was supposed to come in October, not June, but hey...my card said June and they had me on the books!) I said I thought I was there to follow-up on the nodules.

When the doctor came in, he looked at me and chart and said I had a nodule, and referred to the sonogram. He felt it, then asked if it bothered me. I replied that it didn't, except sometimes I see it, and it bothers me knowing it is there. He then looked at me with a compassionate look and said, "Well, we could biopsy it with a needle guided sonogram, or remove it. What would you prefer?" We said we would prefer to have it out (that's been our approach thus far--if it has potential, get rid of it!) He said that was fine, and we are now scheduled for the 27th of August.

All that to say: I know doctors are human, but why the change? Why try to convince me three months ago that even a malignant nodule that size did not warrent concern, and now invite my input and display concern about my comfort level? I talked with a friend today who kind of knows him...she thinks highly of him and knows he has a great reputation. Sigh. Human nature and inconsistancies!

I see my oncologist next week, and will talk with her. And unless this makes her uncomfortable, I guess we will proceed. After all, who needs a nodule?

Integrating "Then" and "Now"

I think post-cancer life is so interesting. After a year of dealing with a cancer diagnosis, surgeries, etc., it is essentially all done. Finished! Yet, as you have often heard me say, I don't want to forget the lessons I have learned!

The challenge? To remember, but be living and learning NEW lessons NOW. To apply the lessons of last year to today's circumstances. I realized this in a Bible study I am in now, where I have heard myself comment on scripture or concepts that have been so very important to me during my cancer journey. I think that's okay...it will always be a part of who I am...but...I need to be dealing with today's challenges and finding the same strength and relevance as I did last year.

I am glad to say that it seems like "awareness is the key", at least this week! I just don't want to stagnate, nor do I want to develop into a person who "always talks about her cancer"!

The point is: God is alive and active in my challenges today, and His love and support of me has not changed. It may not be as intense as last year, but it is still true. If I look for Him, seek Him, and really "see" the dynamics and amazing people and growth in my family and myself, I don't think I will be disappointed! God didn't heal me from cancer to stay there, so I need to try my best not to!

A Father's Day Tribute

I can't believe that it has been so very long since I posted! If you are reading this, it is amazing! But, if you are...

Just wanted to post an address where you can read a Father's Day Tribute I wrote to honor my husband, Mark. I think it is such a gift from God--the opportunity to do so, I mean. On a Sunday, we picked up a flyer called Abilene Families. I spotted a request for Father's Day stories. On Monday morning, I skipped story time at the library for the girls :-), and wrote in. In doing so, I realized it was so very late, there was probably no way it would be included, but I figured I would print off my email and give it to him anyway. That afternoon, I got a reply from the paper...they were going to print the next day, but would love to use my story!

The real miracle? I actually suceeded in taking a picture of Mark and the girls (good thing he is used to me being camera-happy!), uploaded it, and managed to attach it to an email, all in one afternoon! God is good!

Here is the address: http://www.abilenefamilies.com/abilenefamilies/0707above.html