Annaleigh's Words of Wisdom

The morning of my Oncology appointment, Mark sweetly fixed my tea in the mug that came in the Choose Hope basket from our Aunt Karen. Annaleigh asked what the words on it said. I read them to her:

Never give up. This may be your moment for a miracle.

Annaleigh then imitated me, and read the cup by herself:

Never get a boo-boo in your bra.

Amen, Annaleigh. Amen!

(FYI: The Choose Hope basket came from a website that offers breast cancer oriented gifts and donates some of the proceeds to breast cancer research. The website is www.choosehope.com)

A Momentary Low Note

Mark and I went to the ACU Jazz Concert tonight, and they did a great job. Annaleigh enjoyed it thoroughly. She thanked some of the musicians and said, "I liked the music, I danced and danced and danced!" Which was true. Meanwhile, Ellabeth could not tolerate the noise and clapping. She finally compromised in walking up and down the stairs in the foyer for the second half.

As I sat there, I thought back to High School and was grateful I was able to play in the jazz band (alto sax). I then thought about today, and how pleasant it was, and how I was thankful the surgery removed my cancer. Then it hit me: The surgery was not the end. In a few weeks, I will, really and truly, be bald. Momentary low note.

Perfect timing, though--Annaleigh came and sat on my lap right at my low point. Her hug pushed visions of baldness away.

Mark said it hit him, too. After the concert, he heard folks discussing their after-concert plans...going to eat, etc. For us: going home to prepare for a doctor's appointment. He didn't say, but I trust Ellabeth distracted him. The blessings of children in the midst of low points. Thanks, Lord!

To Live Well

Since I received the news that my margins and nodes were clear, I have felt a little pressure. It is one thing to face the prospect of dying, and determine to do it well. I never wanted death to be the outcome, but if that was the inevitable, I wanted to handle it like Kerri Lane, a beautiful and godly woman in our church who recently died of melanoma. I wanted to die with grace and strength and dignity. To testify of God and glorify Him in the process.

It is one thing to die well, but it is another thing to live well. I could get so easily distracted. I could forget the lessons I have learned. I don't want to, though. I have been given the gift of being reminded that life holds no guarentees. It is essential to focus on the important and to purposely live on purpose and with purpose. And to figure out what that really means.

To die well is one thing, to live well is another.

A Very Good Day

Today has been a very good day. The girls and I had Mother-Daughter pictures taken this morning. When I made the appointment I was not being fatalistic, but I did want to get some done before my hair fell out. Local photographer, Aaron Winters, took them. We did them outside at a beautiful Episcopal church. I am hopeful we got some good shots.

Afterwards, I took the girls to McDonald's. They played well, and I had fun going in to rescue Ellabeth who had not appeared for quite some time. If you have never been up in the playland tubes, I highly recommend it. It is hard on the knees, but otherwise fun. And rather disorienting. You should be impressed that your kiddos come out at all! I also recommend the new Asian Salad. Quite tasty!

As I left, I felt an awareness of being "cancer free". It felt good! It poses a question though: At the point where I am at, when I am essentially cancer-free but the evidence of my cancer will soon be visible to everyone, do I tell folks I HAVE breast cancer, or HAD breast cancer?

I am impacted by the freedom I have to feel more freely, now that I am surgically clean of the cancer cells. I never "felt" like I had cancer...and only when I found out the nodes and margins were clear, did my feelings about being a person with cancer catch up. My defenses were up pretty high, I think, but I think that is o.k. I think those defenses are designed by God for a purpose. They allow us to ignore fear and focus on God and hope. Though, if you have read some of my past entries, I was not totally fear-free. If you can sum that up more clearly and concisely for me, please do!

We see the Oncologist tomorrow, and oddly enough, I am looking forward to it. At this exact moment, anyway.

May God grant you a very good day, too.

Nothing in the Nodes!

I am so grateful to report that I saw Dr. Knox today and she gave me the following news with a smile: the margins she took were clear, and the sentinal biopsy was clear as well. She will see me in 6 months!

So, the next step from here is finding out about my chemotherapy protocal and then the follow-up with radiation. Even though all the cancer has been surgically removed, chemotherapy will happen because 1)there may be microscopic cancer cells milling around. Chemo will be a "search and destroy" mission for any such cells. 2) I am pre-menopausal, which meets criteria for chemo. I will refer you to your internet or local library for further explanation, haha.

We meet with my oncologist, Dr. O'Shaunnessy, this Friday, the 28th. And, somewhere in the next few weeks, I will go wig shopping. We looked a little today, but not seriously.

Two friends took me today and we had a great time. They are both breast cancer survivors, and were truly able to celebrate the news, much more so than had Mark and I been by ourselves, actually. I so appreciate their joy and excitement on my behalf!

Afterwards, one of them shared with me that she had been praying for me on behalf of my daughters. Because the girls are not old enough to really understand, or have their words or own prayers, she prayed for me for them! That is so beautiful and sweet, it makes me tearful!

We ran into one of my friend's past research nurse in the hallway. She still works for Dr. O'Shaunnessy, and is one of 3, soon to be 4, research nurses. She said they are starting new research with newly diagnosed patients. I am hoping I meet criteria. It would be neat to contribute back to all the work that has made my situation so hopeful.

Thanks to everyone for your prayers and support and encouragment. And, thanks, Lord, for answering those prayers.

Invaluable Friends

God has given us the gift of invaluable friends. They are part of the community I want to someday write about, but am postponing because I want to give it due thought and not write "off the cuff." It is that important and profound to me.

Today alone, various and *asundry friends have...

...given me a hug
...offered to loan me a cat on chemotherapy recovery days
...passed along some wishes of others who want to help on chemotherapy-recovery days
...agreed to keep Ellabeth
...agreed to keep Annaleigh
...communicated a thought to me about a question I had prayed about yesterday
...offered to take me to Dallas so Mark only has to travel once
...called to check on me from Bakersfield, CA
...called and advocated on my behalf with the Oncology office to get me seen tomorrow (thereby elimating one trip). It didn't work out, but it was a great try and was meaningful to me that they tried.
...called to make sure everything is in place for tomorrow's trip.

Surely I am missing something, but this is just one day. You can see how rich life is. Thank you, invaluable friends!

*Anyone know what "asundry" means? If you can tell me, I'll share the loan on the cat!

Missed Their Call

Though it is hard to admit, yes, I missed the call from the Doctor. Twice.

I called the office about 2, and the nurse informed me that the Doctor, herself, would have to talk to me about the pathology report. Plus, she had not seen the pathology come across any desks yet. She looked for my chart on the Doctor's desk, but did not find it. And, she stated that the doctor makes her calls in her free moments, sometimes as late as 6 p.m., rather than a designated time.

So... I had told Annaleigh that we could go buy flowers for our wooden barrels this afternoon. I took our time leaving, so as to be available as long as possible, then gathered my cell phone and we took off.

While the Doctor did not call my cell, nor did she call Mark at work, she did call the house twice. (No message...I am basing that on the caller ID.)

The "up" side is that we will be enjoying the weekend "information free." If the nodes are clear, that is a moot point; if they are not, then we won't be thinking about the implications of that this weekend, anyway. Not having the information changes nothing about my health status...but having flowers for our barrels adds some much needed summer color. :-)

And, we did accomplish setting my post-surgical appointment. It will be Tuesday afternoon, so that is the very latest we will find out what the pathology report says. Thanks for checking in!

On the Lighter Side

Being a woman of great courage, I weighed in today. I am proud and happy to report I have moved into a new denomination of "ty's". You know, twen-ty's, thir-ty's, for-ty's..." But I am not saying which one.

Before you break out in cheers and wild applause, it is only by half a pound. But it is always encouraging, and it seems that once I break that denomination barrier, the next few pounds come off pretty easily before I get stuck again. (Wonder if there is a sermon illustration in that?)

I suppose some people would say that concerning myself about weight loss when I have breast cancer is nonsense. But why not? If I can keep focus now, it will mean I am managing my habit of eating in response to stress. Then when all this is over, I will be cancer free AND "X" amount of pounds-free. I will be in a good place. One can hope!

A Silly Thought...

This morning I was praying about my expected from phone from my nurse. "Lord, today I am getting this call...I'm going to hear whether I'm going to live or die..."

WAIT. STOP THE TRAIN. Where did that come from?

I am not going to hear "if I am going to live or die." I am getting more information about my cancer. The "state of the union." Where we go from here.

Back to some of the first lessons. We ALL are terminal. Whether by breast cancer, car wreck, or old age, I am going to die. Someday. Probably not now. (And, sorry, dear reader, this applies to you, too.)

But, I now have a serious warning. Not about pending death, but pending life. To live on purpose, and to live with purpose. To enjoy, delight, and soak in beauty as it comes. To seek the Lord with all my heart...to trust Him in new ways...to see Him at work in my daily life...to rise up and be an active part of the community which has blessed us so much in this difficult time.

So, "Lord, I am going to get a phone call, or make a phone call. Please help me hear the news with grace and courage. Help me live today with wellness in my soul, to do my laundry and housework as if for You...to parent with love and intention. To be a wife who is loving, supportive, helpful and appreciative. Amen."

Finding Out Friday

My title says it all. We should be able to find out what my pathology report says on Friday.

I did find out that they were unable to coordinate my appointments with my Oncologist and Dr. Knox in a timely manner. So, looks like two trips to Dallas next week. It shouldn't happen often, and Dallas was, afterall, our choice. So, no complaints! (If you are detecting just a tad of "self-discipline" in that last sentence, you are right!)

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A sweet lady encouraged me at church last night, and prayed over me during prayer time. She has a sister, I believe, who is 10 year survivor of breast cancer. One of her commments concerned our girls being able to see and remember how we relied on and drew strength from the Lord. That is my hope.

It is a little paradoxical...they are so young they don't understand what is going on. Annaleigh knows Mommy has a bad boo-boo on her breast, and that we are asking Jesus to help the medicine make it better. Ellabeth understands less than that. Their age somewhat protects them from the fearful feelings in all this, though I don't believe entirely.

However, the very age that protects them, also prevents them from understanding and perceiving all the blessings in this time. It might especially prevent them from remembering. They see and feel the hugs, and hear the prayers. (When the Elders prayed for us, Ellabeth leaned over and kissed one of the men's hands on Mark's shoulder. She won a heart that night!) But, will they remember? We are seeing the love, heart, and hands of Jesus in this time, and I don't want them to miss it. But, I can't help that they are 2 and 3.

I will have to do my best to remember for them. And...if something goes terribly wrong here, it is up to you all to tell them, o.k.?

No News Yet

Dr. Knox thought my pathology report should be in by Wednesday, but no news as of yet. I am pretty sure some of you have been praying for my courage to call, because today I was o.k. Thank you.

I got quite a bit of practice in calling, actually, because the office was not answering their phone. Incoming calls were being answered by a recording offering the number to call in case of emergency. The unofficial speculation from my friends "in the know" was that Baylor may have been affected by the brown-outs/black outs occuring in the Metroplex as as result of the unexpected heat-wave. April in Texas.

I will try again tomorrow. I hope to get through, because I will have to work myself up to quite a dither to rationalize calling the emergency number. And isn't life funny....I can wait on the pathology report a few more days, but what I really need is my new oncology appointment date which is supposed to coincide with my post-surgical appointment, so that I can schedule Ellabeth for three sessions with her ECI worker between now and the end of the month. Life is rich!

'Fessin Up

Confession time. My name is Beverly, and I am a hypochondriac. I fought this before I had breast cancer, because "everyone" in my family had cancer. Now that I have breast cancer, I still somewhat of a hypochondriac. That dull throb...a stiff leg...fuzzy headedness...probably all have logical, conventional reasons behind them. They do not mean my cancer has spread. In fact, I know that it has not spread to certain places. But it makes the waiting hard. I am ready to hear about the nodes and move on to getting more information.

Confession #2: I started to call my nurse today ask about the pathology report. I chickened out. In the name of waiting patiently, of course!

Confession 3#: In the process of waiting patiently, I have scheduled my girls' summer. Perhaps overdoing it a bit. We will do gymnastics for both, one dance class for one, swim lessons x 2, and maybe summer speech therapy for Annaleigh. Ellabeth's therapies will continue. It is my way of taking to heart the experiences of my friends who have been down this road and "hardly missed a beat."

Confession #4: I opted out of volunteering in the Children's program at Bible Study tomorrow. It has nothing to do with my surgery; I am a little tender, but fine. It is just that I have missed a lot, and might miss more because of doctor's appointments and such. And tomorrow's discussion is about God's purposes in the midst of hardship, and the success he can bring in its midst. I just really wanted to hear that. The volunteer coordinator was gracious and understanding. God's blessing on the lady who takes my place!
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I asked Annaleigh the other day what she would write about on her blog. In order to maintain daughter-loyalty, let's just say it had something to do with her extricating things out of nasal passages. HA! Being a mother who doesn't give up easily, I tried again. This time, she offered a favorite poem that fits in sharing with you all...

I see the moon,
and the moon sees me;
God bless the moon
and God bless me.

So, friends...

God sees you
and God sees me;
God bless you
and God bless me.

Keeping and Eye Open

In my study of Genesis through Bible Study Fellowship, we are currently looking at the life of Joseph. The main principle from last week's lecture was that God uses adversity for good. Our teaching-leader then went on to discuss how not just Joseph, but the nation of Israel, would face adversity in their future. They would be driven to Egypt by a famine, and eventually become enslaved. But, God would use this for their good.

Though on the surface one could question the good of simply moving from pagan-Canaan to pagan-Egypt, there was benefit. In Canaan, they were inter-mingling and inter-marrying. The line of the Messiah and the Jewish nation as a whole, could have easily been "lost in the mix". In Egypt, however, not so. The Egyptians apparrently did not like the Israelites, and they did not like shepherds. Thus, the Israelites had a chance to be isolated to themselves, and grow and strengthen as a nation. After a time, they were ready--big enough and strong enough--to conquer and take the land promised to them through Abraham. As well, they were removed to the resources of modern Egypt. It is possible that there, they had access to the writing skills that eventually helped preserve God's words and law (and grace) for us.

In this is my application: What, in this breast cancer journey, is God going to isolate me from, to my benefit and growth...and the growth and benefit of my family? As well, what resources or things will I be isolated to? I am going to try to keep an eye open. If you see anything, let me know. I think it will be revealing.

Hope you Had a Happy Easter

Our Easter was a good one. We had a great Easter service, communion time where everyone went to the front (at our church, communion is weekly, and normally passed down the aisles), and a quiet day at home. Sweet dresses, pictures, and Easter baskets, phone calls with family. It was a nice day. We hope yours was, too!

A couple of insights... I have always tried to make my relationship with the Lord one based on gratitude for what He has done for me, recognizing that the fact that God has even let us know who He is, and that Jesus died to take care of my sin, is huge. Those two things are enough. Throw in my sin, which is inescapable, and I need Him. I am grateful. I have tried to avoid thinking that I could wait until I was in a foxhole of some sort, until obeying and serving Him, and for the most part, I have.

But, throw breast cancer into Easter, and, for lack of better words, WOW. Like it or not, this Easter I was in a different situation. If I did not need Him before, I do NOW. And, if I was not grateful before, I am NOW. Easter is profound. There are still some unknowns here, despite my optimism. The resurrection and defeat of death, the hope of heaven and of being united with Jesus and reunited with my family and fellow believers...it gives tearful, confident hope. Thanks, Lord.

And, while I took home that experience, I also took home a comment that seems in utter contrast to it: "Easter does not "dummy down" death. Death still stings." Probably an odd comment to take home with me, but for some reason, it fit. My optomism does not need to dummy down anything. That sting is what makes me take this cancer seriously and fight it with determination. Death still stings. It will for me, and for my daughters, and for my husband.

So, I will fight through this cancer. I will try to do so in a way that His purposes in this situation are accomplished. And, when I am 94 (I am learning to ask for BIG things from God), death will still sting, but it will be easier to accept. And then, as well as the inescapable moments between now and then, the hope of heaven and all the wonderful implications of the resurrection will be a huge comfort! Thanks, Lord!

Counter-balancing the Negative

A month or so ago, I came across an article printed in Today's Christian Woman, by Cindy Siglar Dagnan. Cindy was my former dorm/hall-mate at Ozark Christian College. In her article, she described how they lost their dream home to a tornado, but everyone in their family survived. As they tried to recover from the devastation, they determined that for every negative comment, they would require of themselves at least two positive ones. In that spirit, in light of my last entry, here are some positives:

--Annaleigh and Ellabeth got to play in a jacuzzi bathtub while we were gone. (Ellabeth's love for going under water about scared our friend to death!)
--They awoke to a sweet fill-in Grandma
--They got to attend an Easter Egg hunt, and spent the rest of the day playing inside and out with friends
--They were excited to spend their second night with their caretakers from our first excursion to Dallas, including a little dog named Eskimo
--They are seeing us leave and return, learning a new level of trust and patience
--They are seeing the Spirit of Jesus expressed through the loving care of others

And, for us,

--Gotta love the heated blankets at the hospital. Seems like blanket-toasters would catch on in the residential market...
--Mark had a visit with his dad and brother.

Tears are and will still be hard, but I think it is important not to let them obscure the real and positive experiences amid the difficulty.

It was just too much...

This afternoon, I felt some of my first strong, negative emotions about this journey. While I am doing fine after my lumpectomy, Annaleigh, my 3 year old, had a major meltdown today over something (seemingly) trivial. I am certain it is a reaction to being away from Mom and Dad...the routine of life being interrupted and not understood.

She did fine while we were away, and several Grandma's at Highland prayed for her specifically while we were gone, because when we talked about me going away, she told me: "I'm kinda scared". I quickly called the church office and asked if some Grandma's could be rallied to pray for her. I rest upon the confidence that those prayers sustained her while we were gone.

But, today, in hindsight, for Annaleigh, it has all been too much. Fortunately, we don't have many more expected overnight trips away. Maybe none. And, fortuntately, today was an easy day, and we could rock and cuddle until the sad feelings went away.

Back Home

Adequate words are beyond me to convey my appreciation to everyone. Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness and answered prayers. Thank you to friends...who have prayed, who came to Dallas (more comments about that another day), who kept our girls, cleaned our house, sent cards, and persisted with blogspot to leave comments (I know your angst.)

We are back home and things went well. I am, however, remembering back to third grade, when we were supposed to check our math homework against the Teacher's book with all the answers in it. I had completed my work and was checking my answers. All was going well until the book had a different answer than I had. I was so confused, and I still remember the "AHA!" moment when I realized that I--not the book--was wrong. Oh. Rats.

All that, is to say this: We truly expected and told people that we would come home knowing whether the cancer had spread to the nodes. We understood there would be an initial check during the surgery. After asking the doctor a couple of different ways, and giving her some confused looks, I have realized: We were wrong. Oh. Rats. We either misunderstood or were mis-told along the way. It's a little frustrating, but I am sure we will get it cleared up when we meet with the doctor next. At any rate, we should hear the lab report about the nodes sometime during the middle of next week.

Regarding the surgery itself, it went well. I was my emotional self, beforehand. Two sweet ladies from my church, also breast cancer survivors, came and spent time with me in the pre-op area, while I was being my emotional self. The anasthesia doctor was very reassuring. My surgeon was caring and said the tissue she took looked good. And, I had my usual nausea following surgery, and we were the last to leave. Again. But, since then, I have felt pretty well, and did not need anything for pain that night. Most importantly, we are now safely home, and reunited with our girls. Thanks, Lord, for everything and everyone, including my sweet husband.

PS: My friend for whom I asked you to pray....her biopsy came back benign!! Yippee!! Thanks, Lord, AGAIN!

Times and Feelings

I thought some might be interested in what is going on for us this Thursday. To put it in print, it is very simple. I report to Radiology to be injected with the dye for the sentinal node biopsy at 9:15 a.m. My surgery is on the books for 2 p.m. My only complaint is that I anticipate being hungry by 2, though some have suggested I will have other things on my mind. Probably so. But, 2:00?? (If I have to wait 6 hours like I did for my first biopsy...wheee!)

Someone asked me the other day how I was feeling about the surgery itself. I am really am not that nervous about going under anasthesia...in this case in particular, I feel much worse for Mark, who has to wait. I am nervous about the results of the node biopsy, and not so crazy about knowing I will be dealing with that information coming out of anasthesia. I always get so emotional coming out, that anticipating hearing that information in that state....I am kinda dreading it. But, again, I feel worse for Mark, hearing it first, and hearing it alone.

For all my sense of calm going in, I must admit I get rather panicky once there, too. And, for all my calm, Mark has to be there to help me wake up, which seems hard for me. They say it is because I am a red head, and more sensitive to the drugs. And, it is kind of weird knowing I am going to sleep not knowing for sure if I will have a breast when I wake up. I expect to have one...this is supposed to be a lumpectomy, but if they cannot clear the margins, they will change course. "Surprise." Sigh...talk about the possibility of unexpected surprises.

But, overall, I am fine. Reallys! Thanks for your prayers!

More to the Point

A little while ago, I sat down to add this thought, and Annaleigh said from the couch, "But, Mom, you're my best friend now!" Translation: You are supposed to be sitting by me while I eat my fruit sauce.

She is occupied now, so I will add this thought. As I reflect on the last blog entry, I realize that I worked really hard to avoid saying this: If God's purpose is for me to die NOW, I will try to do so with acceptance, grace and courage. Ick. I don't like even writing it. But isn't that more to the point....isn't that the issue cancer makes us face?

The other side of the coin, though, is that I sincerely DON'T believe that death is the only possible purpose or change that God could have in mind. It doesn't take much self-examination to see several areas where He can grow me through this experience. And, the truly fun part is that He often does things "immeasurably more than we ask or IMAGINE, according to His power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20. I am hoping for that actually. How mundane to work on just what I can already see....how exciting to watch for His immeasurably more...His above and beyond-ness!

I feel better now, having been more to the point. I am going to go back to spending time with my girls, being their best friend.

A Message From My Nurse

I e-mailed my nurse at Dr. Knox's office last week after a friend asked a question of clarification, which I could not answer. Not only did she answer, but she signed her letter referring to the sovereignty of God and His plan.

I love the way she signed it, and I love being treated by a Doctor and her staff who embrace such a high view and trust in God. It it challenging. It is even a bit "unsettling". I would like to hear, "You are going to be just fine." It is a bit unnerving to hear, (and I am paraphrasing) You are in an outstanding place, but we cannot say anything 100%, except that God is sovereign and has a plan.

Although I desire the 100% outcome, I also want to accept God's plan, courageously and with grace. Being a patient where I am allows me to be hopeful, and contemplate and practice the issue of courageous, gracious acceptance of hard things. I am glad for that, because when it is all said and done, I hope to not only be a healthier person, but a deeper, better Christian person. That would not a bad outcome.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my birthday. And since I messed up the math last year, I will just tell you the year and you can take it from there. 1965. It would be easier to just be perpetually 39!

I have had a wonderful day. My Bible class prayed over us again (I am so appreciative of that...it is a wonderful feeling to be literally surrounded by others in love and support and prayers. Very humbling...who am I, really, to receive that? But, they love Jesus and in imitating Him, they have taken me/us into their hearts and prayers, and I am so grateful! Thank you, Families of Faith, for showing me His love!).

...Preacher Mike (as he is known to the girls) shared a great sermon on the Sermon on the Mount, and being Palm Sunday, the girls got to take Palm Fronds to the front. That, of course, included Ellabeth bursting into tears right beforehand (the congregation clapped for some special music, and most everyone knows Ellabeth does not "do" clapping), her losing a shoe going down the aisle, and Mark getting separated from Annaleigh who exited the wrong way. Annaleigh, being the smart girl she is, must have realized it because she danced her way back across stage, jumped off a step or two, and connected with me, leaving Mark childless on the side of the stage he had just made a mad dash to. It all makes me smile!

...and we went to Johnny Carino's (after pinch hitting a potty-training accident)where we had a nice time and some good Italian....

...came home, heard both girls sing Happy Birthday, opened cards and gifts...

...and in the afternoon, we all went to the ACU campus and walked the new walking/jogging track. It was perfect weather, I took my camera, and got some pictures of the girls. I love afternoons like this! Perfect.

Nothing profound, just Happy Birthday to Me. Thanks to everyone and thanks, Lord, for the perfect afternoon.

They Got Ahead of Me

I had said earlier that I was going to take childcare concerns one situation at a time. That was working fine, until I received my paperwork and appointment time for the oncologist. I was happy to get the news until I realized I don't even have all the childcare details in place for my surgery yet! They got ahead of me, and I am a bit overwhelmed. Deep breath, release. It will get worked out.

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I had a great "what if" thought today: Wouldn't it be great if Baylor allows chemotherapy patients to receive pet therapy visits during their treatments? I would LOVE to hold a kitty or pet a puppy for a couple of hours. Soothing. I wonder????

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We--or perhaps mostly I--have declared Saturdays as "no-cancer day". A day to put my cancer aside and enjoy one day without talking about it or attending to its details. So far, it has been nearly impossible. There is just so much to do, think about, line up. Cancer is pervasive, in more way than one, I guess. Maybe after we get into the treatment aspect, it will be a more reasonable goal.

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We saw the husband of my friend who had her biopsy. Her procedure went well, and she is doing okay. Please continue to pray for her results to be benign, and for the Lord to show her how to use this experience to her growth and His glory. I think she would appreciate that; that is the type of person she is.

My Neighbor; My Oncologist

My neighbor is not my oncologist, but wouldn't that be handy? They have to live by someone. Slight attemtpt at humor. Sorry.

The reason for this post: Remember when I said that several ladies in my Bible class have had biopsies? My neighbor and friend, had her biopsy today. I will let her remain anonymous since I have not asked her permission to post her name. Please pray that her results will be benign. I will talk with her later to see how today's procedure went.

About my oncologist: I have one now! I have been assigned to Joyce OShaunnessy, MD. She is at Baylor, and was the doctor for two of my friends here in Abilene. They absolutely loved her, so I am looking forward to meeting her. My appointment is on April 28th.

About my chemotherapy: Originally, I planned to do chemotherapy here. However, I have had a friend, actually 2 friends, make strong offers to drive me to Dallas for my treatments. I think they are listening to the Lord and their hearts. I think I am going to listen to them and accept their offer. Dallas, here I come! (Please note that in my first entry I mentioned that my experience is all about change, so...I am keeping an open heart and mind until things are finalized.)

An Unlikely Outcome

Remember the old joke about the man who broke his arm? "Doc," he says, "am I going to be able to play the violin when this arm heals?" "Yes," answered the doctor. "Great!" answered the man. "I've wanted to play the violin since I was a little boy!" (Okay, my husband had never heard it either...and didn't even understand it, but I promise I read it when I was little.)

Anyway, I think I am guilty of hoping for a similar, unlikely outcome. I blame it on hats. And, watching too many episodes of "What Not to Wear." But, in my opinion, hats are classy. Sophisticated. Maybe even svelte. Definitely charming. I, on the other hand, am a "What Not to Wear-wannabe." But, somehow, in my world of logic, if I have to wear hats for an extended period of time, I am hopeful that I will come out having taken on their nature: Classy. Sophisticated. Svelte? Probably not--I think you have to be at least 5'8" to be svelte. But, maybe charming. "Charming" might maybe be in reach. If I'm lucky.

I must confess that I am embarrassed to admit this little hope. I know, and believe, that God looks at the heart. He adores a gentle and quiet spirit. However, I caught a look at myself in the Department store mirror the other day as I was chasing my 2-year old. Yikes! Frumpy. Ick.

I really would be a good "What Not to Wear" participant. Besides my overall "frumpiness," I have also recently lost about 40 pounds....and I still am wearing my old clothes. (A major "rule" breaker, but I am trying to be slow about replacing my clothing. It is easier on the budget and insures, in my mind, that I don't go gain all my weight back.) Plus, I would not argue. Well, I might possibly argue about the principle of my worth and value apart from my clothing, but I would not be one of those women with cleavage and rolls hanging out and admantly insist that I look "good."

And, wouldn't it be neat for them to do a "What Not to Wear--Breast Cancer Survivors" show? Of course, I would insist that they at least double-match my wardrobe fund and donate it to breast cancer research or treatment centers for women without insurance. But, wouldn't that be great? And wouldn't the look on Nick's face (the hair stylist) be priceless as he stares at my bald head? I guess he could re-style the wig (assuming I opt for one.)

But, alas, that, too, is probably unlikely. I am sure that in Hollywood time, my treatment will be done and my hair half grown back before they would get to me. Oh well!! Maybe my hope, however unlikely, will come to pass! God is a God of Miracles, and I guess my wardrobe would be a cinch. He is, after all, the Ultimate Designer.

To Wig or Not to Wig, That is the Question

This week I told my hair dresser about my breast cancer. I am still surprised when I tell someone and they begin to list other names of women going through this. I was given a name of someone through whom I can order wigs. I had time, so I stopped by her shop.

I found that wigs run approximately 200-300 dollar range, some a little more, some a little less. These are factory-made, not hand-made. I have kind of planned on doing hats, and this was more about getting information than placing an order. But the lady suggested I order soon, so that I can begin to wear it before my hair falls out, thereby getting used to beforehand, and others get used to it also. They take about a week to get in. By the way, this lady is in the middle of her breast cancer treatment.

So...to buy and wear wig, or not. That is the question. Advise or opinions, anyone??? Please email me or call if you cannot get the comments section to cooperate!

Fervently Praying

When I first learned that I had breast cancer, I seriously relied on the prayers of others, moreseo than my own prayers. It was not that I was angry with God and therefore couldn't or wouldn't pray. I was just overwhelmed. A little paralyzed.

One of things that has been most humbling and encouraging about the prayers of others is hearing about how seriously they are praying for us. One friend assured me, "I am praying, and I am praying hard." Another told us how our names were on her prayer board in her kitchen. Yet another told me how the prayer ministry group had prayed for us that day. Family members have voiced the same.

I was and continue to be so grateful for these people. And, in the last couple of days, I have also been feeling the need to join with them. Paul's words to the Galatians, about "each one should carry his own load" have been on my heart. Don't get me wrong...I have been praying. But I am more of a "pray-as-you-go-pray-continuously-pray without ceasing" type of gal. And it is not that I am sensing God's displeasure about that. My conversations with Him are from a sincere heart with belief that He hears and is answering. But this is really serious stuff. Others are treating it this way, and I need to as well. I guess I sense Him pulling me deeper and closer.

So, I have faced a question. How will I know that I have prayed fervantly, and seriously for myself? I needed a marker, so to speak, to know I have indeed faced this with the Lord for myself. My answer: I will know I have seriously and fervently prayed when my knees have hit the floor.

What have I found out? First, be careful, because in our house, praying on your knees apparrently is an invitation for piggy back rides! Second, it feels right. Third, it has already taught me how much I do want to live...to beat this disease and live for my children and my husband. It has been good; a source of focus and determination. Fourth, I think it reaffirms my sense of God's goodness. At first I was a little afraid of that. "Life and and death are in the hands of the Lord," and I know what answer I want. But bringing this to Him has not resulted in fear, but in hope.

To all those who have prayed and been such examples, THANK YOU.

My Sister-in-Law's Beginning

I want to take a moment and ask for your prayers for my sister-in-law, Jan. She is beginning her chemotherapy treatments today (Wednesday, which I hope is correct, because I thought it was Thursday, after it was originally supposed to be last Friday. But, hey, who's keeping track?)

Anyway, 5...FIVE...(that's one, two, tree, bour, BIVE! in my two-year old's language)HOURS of treatment to start with. Can she read? Watch TV? What does one do...what will I do, during 5 hours of treatment? (When I find out, I will let you know).

One of the most difficult aspects of this is the upcoming hair loss. Jan is beautiful. She has beautiful, Texas-sized hair (her words, not mine.) She will be beautiful, hair or no hair. But, it's hard. Not looking forward to it myself.

Please pray...Our God is so powerful, I know He can sustain her and even help her smile, probably even sing (she has a beautiful voice.) Most of all, let's pray that this treatment hits her cancer hard and strong.

Fighting Fear

Today, or rather especially this morning, I felt more fearful for some reason. Perhaps I was not so ready to state "The Big Picture". After doing so, I kept wondering...about my numbered days...about odd dreams...and that perhaps the reason we talk to our girls about heaven so much has more significance than just the fact that Grandma and Granpa Horner live there, as well as Toby, Theo, and Cuddles, our puppies. (To all the theologians out there who debate that point...let's just wait and see, okay?)

I'm feeling better now, and in hindsight, I have these observations to offer:

--Not voicing my fearfulness to the first friend I ran across: Not helpful. (It has nothing to do with our relationship...perhaps with the setting. Preschool gymnastics demands a certain amount of levity.)

--Chai Tea: Helped a little.

--"Reading between the lines" when a friend reported her sister with cancer was "pretty good.": Not good.

--Finding reference in book about mortality chart: Bad.

--Giving into compulsion to look at chart: Worse.

--Voicing fear to husband and getting hug: Good, helpful.

--Sending aforementioned chart out the house to husband's workplace: Much better.

--Sending husband for and receiving cookies: Better.

--Voicing fears to a second friend who called: Relief!

--Having friend laugh at mortality chart: Priceless! Much better, I can breathe again.

--Call from Dr.'s office, and receiving news that surgery is sooner rather than later: Sealed the deal, in a good way. The adrenilin is going again, and I have been fine ever since.

The nurse told us that Breast Cancer is a hugely mental and emotional fight. She was right.

____________________________________________

What made me laugh today: I haven't lost my hair yet, but I know it's coming. Hats are in my future. What did we get in the mail today? From my sweet mother-in-law, who just returned from a trip to the Holy Land, a fatigue style baseball cap that reads "Israel Army". :-) I am sure it's for my husband, but...it would be one way to deflect from having no hair!

Surgery Date; Lumpectomy vs. Masectomy

We received my surgery date this afternoon. The procedure will take place on Thursday, April 13th, 2006, at Baylor's day-surgery center. The time will be somewhere after 9:15, which is when we report to the radiology center to be injected with the dye that will assist in the sentinal node biopsy (in my understanding).

What is being done: Breast cancer treatment has come so far that we now have some choices about the form of treatment. Research has demonstrated the outcome is essentially the same between masectomy and chemo vs. lumpectomy, chemo, and radiation. We have chosen a lumpectomy. It is possible, if the doctor cannot clear the margins, that she may change course mid-stream, but we are not anticipating that to be the case.

The reason behind my choice... Though every person's choice is personal, the reason behind mine is not that profound. I was talking ordinary, day-to-day mom-talk with another Mom from my Bible class. We both have snugglers, and we laughed about having built in "pillows." (I never did have enough milk for my babies, so this was a positive use for something that had otherwise failed me...) Later on, I recalled our conversation and realized this was my answer: I would make a choice for my girls, hopefully having something left to snuggle with. Keep the pillows, haha! It will have to yet be seen if my reasoning follows through, but all things being equal, I had to make a choice. That was the best reason and motivation I could come up with. So, to the Mom with whom I was talking, if you are reading this: Thanks for the conversation and insight!!

The Big Picture

Okay. First attempt here to talk about the big picture... And before proceeding, I must warn you that the only C I ever got in high school was in geometry, indicating that logical reasoning (at least in one sense) is not my forte'.

However, for all of us creative souls, we understand there is a logic not bound by numbers. And, for all of us trying to learn of Christ, we understand that His ways our not our ways. God is not bound to our reasoning. And, I am glad that I have a God so big I cannot get my mind around Him. That would make Him a pretty small God. But, I do believe He has given us some truths about Him and His ways in Scriptures that we can understand. So, in a first attempt to put some of that all together....

One: Scripture indicates that God has numbered our days (Psalm 139:16). And, we each do have a "number". Even if I survive breast cancer, I will someday die. I don't necessarily like that, but thoughts of heaven (because I believe it is true), help. Not accepting my universally, "terminal" state is not helpful. I could survive breast cancer, but then when confronted with death again, I could still die a bitter, old woman wearing purple and a red hat. What benefit to myself or glory to God is in that?

Two: One of the things that our nurse spoke to us about was understanding that God could have prevented this cancer, but He chose not to. Therefore, He has a purpose.

Three: I really am hoping, and trusting, that my days are numbered well beyond this cancer--I have a lot to live for, including my husband and two little girls. I have a sense of peace and lots of reasons to hope that is the case. And, I will do whatever I can--resources, following directions, prayer, and maintaining my determination to help make that happen.

Four: Thus, if within the days I am allotted, God has allowed this cancer, I can accept the nurse's suggestion. I want to look for His purpose in this situation. I want to cooperate with it. I want to reflect Him through it.

It is all probably a bit simplistic. But, they are my beginning thoughts for now. My biggest concern is trying to define His purpose. I am not sure that it will be fully revealed...I think that could be frustrating. But, I also think it might be a bit arrogant to think I can shine a flashlight and identify "MY PURPOSE". But, I do hope to catch some glimmers...some moments I intuitively know "this is a part of His plan". I will trust Him with the rest.

So, those are my thoughts for now.

Three out of Four, Yahoo!

I mentioned earlier that there were other women in my Bible class who were also going through biopsies or other breast irregularities. We found out this morning that three of those women have received benign reports! Yippie!! Yahoo!!

Please pray for the fourth, whose biopsy is at the end of this week.

Our Top Ten List about Breast Cancer

Sometimes I wonder if I am taking my new illness seriously enough. Am I at peace, in denial, immature? Or, has God used the strong encouragement of other breast cancer survivors (another story in itself) to quickly boost me up to Optimism? Certainly the prayers and love of family and friends has not hurt! At any rate, here is our Top Ten List about Breast Cancer (in no particular order):

1. It reveals the richness and beauty of friends and family in a whole new way.

2. It is highly treatable.

3. We have the opportunity to value today, as never before.

4. As someone pointed out to me, our cancer has visible markers, not letting us forget the lessons we are learning along the way.

5. The color for breast cancer is PINK!

6. Trips to and from treatment are, or can be, actually fun. The night after our conusltation with the specialist was the first night my husband and I had had out for a long while! And, at least from my doctor, FUN after treatment is "doctor's orders." It's in her book!

7. Receiving the heritage of those who proceeded us. Walking up to Sammons Cancer center, it hit me that we were entering a place developed because those before us were responsible in using their gifts and committed to their passion about research and breast cancer treatment and cure. To those who went before us, allowing us remarkable prognosis and hope: A very indebted Thank You!!

8. The opportunity to think and "wax philosophically" about life, God, and the color pink.

9. Thirteen syllable words. I haven't learned any yet, but I know they're out there!

10. God. We have already been challenged and already been strengthened to see God in this situation of breast cancer. I will write more later, assuredly at the risk of saying something that reveals my immaturity. All I can say is that I--we--know He is here. We cannot explain it all. What we can say is that He is here, He is reflected in the people around us who are demonstrating His love (and if we are "but poor reflections of what is to come" as it says in Corinthians, we are going to be blown away when we see Him face to face!) and we believe His words and promises are true.